I got a little carried away with this one so it has been split into two parts - second part out tomorrow.
Stop Trying to Change me ...
Four weeks earlier ......
I am just drifting off into the sleep that I have been longing for all day when Mace snaps me awake again.
"The shower is free. Gran?" I hear him laughing "Come on baby there is no time for napping, get a wriggle on we only have an hour to get ready."
Hell I hate it when Mace calls me baby because HE used to call me that!!
"No Mace." I start moaning "I'm well beat!! Go without me please I need to sleep."
Mace is stood staring down at me.
I watch his face change suddenly - I really hate that look of his!! I knew he would not be happy with me when I returned home from work totally shattered, but when is he ever happy with me these days. He doesn't even need an excuse to start a fight.
I am stretched out across the bed where I literally collapsed still in my clothes. All I want to do is sleep and before it has even started I know exactly where this is heading just by the look on his face - a row!! I close my eyes so I don't have to see his wrinkled up sour face!!
"Granite Rock You Promised Me!!" I can tell by the sudden change in the tone of his voice that he is far from happy and know I am now in for constant earache probably from now till midnight. "I am sick of you doing this to me!! You know they arrange these things around your shifts so the least you can do is turn up!!"
"No YOU get them to arrange these things around my shifts!! Tell them I've been called in on an emergency or something!" I open my eyes to catch him pulling a right evil face at me "and I didn't promise Mace I said I would try there is a difference!! Why do you need me to hold your hand anyway? They are your mates not mine!!" I snap at him.
"I'm not letting you do this AGAIN Gran!!" he snaps and scowls at me.
"I'm sorry I am not going end of!! I am totally wiped out - I'll probably be asleep before we even get there and I'll be crap company. I've got tomorrow off I'll make it up to you then I promise!!"
Why the hell did I just say that?! It is not like I have to make anything up to him!! I need to put the brakes on here because I can see he is slowly dragging me into that stupid fantasy world of his and I'm falling for it!!
Mace starts ranting and moaning that he is sick of me letting him down, he's sick of my job interfering with our life, he's sick of the long hours that I work, he's sick of hardly ever seeing me and when he does I'm too tired or asleep. In fact he is sick of my job full stop!! He is starting to sound like a nagging wife!!
"I'm sick of you moaning about my job - it's what keeps a roof over your head!! You are quick to moan but I don't hear you complaining about the money I'm earning ... you are spending it quick enough!!" I point at the new lamps by the bed. "I spotted the new lamps. What was wrong with the old ones?"
"They were getting old so I replaced them!" he mumbles "Do you like them? They are marble. Which reminds me I've seen a really nice four poster bed ...."
"Fuck off Mace!! We DO NOT need a new bed this one is hardly 6 months old - four poster bed my arse you are not a princess you know!!" I laugh at him "Fudge Mace, Marble!? Those lamps were not old I bet they were there for a few months if that. You know people generally replace things when they break not when they get covered in dust for the first time!! Maybe I should get you a pack of dusters and teach you how to use them it would be cheaper!! Frigin marble!! didn't they have them in 24 carot gold - you twat!! Maybe I need to cut down on what money is going into your account every month - if you haven't got it you can't waste it!!"
"Tight arse!!" he snaps at me
"Its not the money Mace - you filling up this house with expensive shit doesn't make it look any better or you, it just makes it a magnet for burglers and especially the way you brag to everyone about everything you buy - how we have not been done over yet is beyond me - back in my day you would have been a dream ticket to a scumbag like me!!!" he pulls a face at me "Those lamps would work just the same in wood or ceramic but no - you had to go and get them in marble because Atlas has just got some in granite - I'm not stupid!!"
I laugh because if I don't I'll cry. He is so materialistic and a shopaholic. While I'm working all day he is out shopping, buying stupid stuff that we really don't need because he always has to go one better than his friends - if they have it in granite he has to have it in marble, if they have it in silver he has to have in gold - I hate that about him!! In fact there is not a lot I do actually like about him these days, other than his body. How the hell did I even let myself get into this situation!!
"What the hell are my friends going to think about me turning up on my own AGAIN!!" he says trying to change the subject "Please Gran!! They are already starting to talk ... they think our relationship has problems!!"
"Well they would be about right wouldn't they and quite frankly its your own fault Mace for constantly lying to them about us - making us out to be something that we are not!!" I laugh at him "Who gives a shit what your friends think anyway, let them think what they like!!"
"Please Gran!!" he starts whining
"No Mace!! I've done a double shift back to back, had hardly any sleep in 48 hours, I've hardly set foot out of surgery or eaten all day ... if they don't understand my job is demanding and I'm only human and not a robot ... fuck em!!"
"But ..." There is always a but and its never worth listening to. I cut him short and don't even give him the chance to say it.
"They are not worth having as friends anyway if they are bitching behind your back. And the stupid dinner gatherings ... that quite frankly I'm sick of you dragging me along to because all they do all night is bitch about each other and all the materialistic shit they have got!!" I snap at him "Oh and just GUESS what the topic of conversation is going to be tonight your frigin MARBLE lamps!! I couldn't give a shit about who's got what - you know that's not me!! They are narrow minding twats that need to get a life!!"
"Oh here we go!! My friends are suddenly not good enough for Mr High and Mighty neuro doctor, Mr Pathetic who is still clinging onto a past love, Mr Tea Total I'm so clean my arse squeaks, but that's only because it hasn't been shagged for 20 years!! ... " I just laugh at him "Like all of your friends from the hospital aren't so stiff and boring I fall asleep in my soup just listening to their drivel or puke in it because I'm listening to their graphic descriptions of what someones bowel looked like!! Then we have all your ex addict friends from that stupid group you go to who are so exciting ... woo hoo lets go out together and drink WATER and whine about life!! They drive me to WANT to drink and I'm not even an addict ... at least my friends do know how to have fun!!"
"Like bitching and showing off is even fun!! Just listen to yourself, you are turning into one of them!! and you have the nerve to call me Mr high and mighty!! You - Mr social climbing snob, Mr Fantasy Bullshitter who makes up unreal crap about his bullshit love life, Mr look at me I'm a shopaholic and can buy better than you, but that's only a fake front to cover up the fact you haven't shagged arse for five years!!" I snap angrily because I can hear myself - now I'm doing it!! He is starting to turn me into him!! "AND Don't EVER knock my addiction group again it's far from stupid - it keeps me clean!! Believe me you wouldn't want or like the man HE had to put up with when I was an addict!!"
"Oh and up HE pops ... I wandered how long it would be before you brought HIM up - can you never go a day without mentioning HIM!!??" he yells at me. "If HE is so special why are you not there instead of here with me?"
"You know why!! Grow up Mace ... do you know how childish you are starting to sound!!"
"You are the childish one not wanting to go out to play!!" he snaps at me "I do the shopping, the housework, the laundry, the garden, the cooking, I even clean your damn car ... the least you can do is come with me to a dinner party, but you've always got an excuse these days!!"
"How selfish can you be exactly I NEED SLEEP!! I work damn long hour to keep a roof over your head and finance your shopping addiction and I'm KNACKERED!!! Do you know how much of a nagging bitch you are becoming?! Anyone would think you are my wife!! and the more I earn the worse you get!! Just face it - the only reason you are pissed about going alone or not at all tonight is because you will miss out on playing Mr I'm better than you, you'll miss out on showing off ... "
"It is so ... its because your bitches are not going to hear about your MARBLE lamps or see those new designer suits that have probably cost ME an arm and a leg that I spotted hanging on the wardrobe, which are revolting by the way!! That no doubt you will have a tantrum to make me wear when I'd much rather just wear jeans and a t-shirt!! Why do you even feel the need to dress me up like I can't dress myself anyway!! Clothes don't make a man you know!!"
"You can't dress yourself!! You dress like a scruff - if you are not in your ripped jeans and a scraggy t-shirt, it's those cringe worthy cartoon shorts or that stupid cardigan you keep wearing and your shoes, don't even start me on those cheap fabric things you buy from the market ... you are a neurosurgeon you should act like one!! You bounce around like a clown playing the joker and dress like an old man or a tramp!! You walk around like you live off benefits and are still on drugs and the most expensive thing you choose to wear you hang around your neck and hide under your clothes and you need a haircut!!"
"And there we have it!!" I snap at him angrily "Does my job make you look good to your bitches but I'm showing you up because I'm not playing the part?! I bet your friends don't even know I'm a convicted criminal and an ex junkie do they!! Have you not filled them in on my alcohol and drug addictions, I bet you've told them I don't drink because of my job haven't you .... maybe I should make a point of filling them in on the truth!!"
"DON'T YOU DARE!!" he yells at me
"SEE!!! It's all about keeping up appearances and material stuff to you, it's all fake and surface shit - fuck what's underneath ... and don't even start on about my ring again!!" he is really starting to make me angry "Mace - I am me and I am quite happy with me right now. Stop trying to change me, you are never going to mold me into what you want. You are never going to make me act the way you want me to act or change how I feel!! You are never going to change who I love or make me love you ... so quit trying!!" he just stands there scowling at me with his arms crossed. "If you don't like me - us - this situation - you know where the front door is USE IT!!!" I snap at him.
"I'm going nowhere!!" he snaps at me "I love you!"
"You say you love me but you are not doing a very good impression of it ... I could have walked around in a paper bag for HIM and he wouldn't have even noticed ... "
"Oh here we go ... comparing me to HIM again!!"
"Yes HIM again ... love is blind and if you loved me like HE did you'd take me as I am warts and all and be happy with me, which you obviously arent!! Fudge!! I don't love you or like you very much anymore for that matter and still I don't slag you off and run you down all the time like you do me - how the hell can you say you love me?!" I start laughing "It pretty comical really HE had the very worst of me, the addict, the piss head, the thief, the liar and HE never moaned, HE loved me, HE took all the crap and still had a smile on HIS face .... you however have the best of me, the clean hardworking decent guy who gives you everything except for one thing and STILL you are not happy, bitching, moaning - just look at that face it could turn milk sour and just because I won't go out to dinner when I'm exhausted - maybe I should tell you some of the shit I used to put HIM through then you might see how lucky you are!!"
"I DONT GIVE A SHIT about what you put HIM through!!" he snaps at me "I am sick of you talking about HIM!!"
"Maybe it is time you did one Mace!! You can't turn me into your Mr Perfect, if you loved me I would already be perfect to you and you wouldn't be trying to change me and quite frankly I am sick of your earache!!"
"But I do love you!!"
"Mace you don't know the meaning of the word - lust is not love - you seriously need to sling your hook, go out and find Mr Perfect because I'm not him ... which makes me wander what is going on in that head of yours - the reality of our relationship is far more plausible than the fantasy shit you make up in your head!" I snap at him. "Now go away, your bitches will be waiting for you, I need sleep!!"
He doesn't say anything he just stands there staring at me. I close my eyes and hope that he'll go to his dinner and leave me in peace. I just start to drift off again when I feel the bed moving, he slaps my leg and tells me to move over.
I give up!! I should have known this was coming, when I tell him to sling his hook and show him where the door is, he always comes creeping!! He starts to kiss me after he's crawled all over me and I just let him hoping that's all he's after. It starts to become obvious it is more than just a kiss he's after when his hands start to wander and he's trying to undress me.
I push him off me and sit up a little, he is seriously really starting to pee me off now!! Has he not heard me say I need sleep?! Have I not said it loud enough?!
"If you cared about me like you say you do - you would worry about my health before anything else and LET ME SLEEP like I've asked!! But no we are having to have a row over it and now you are trying to molest me ... like I've even got the energy to be shagging you - are you trying to finish me off because you know I'm no good to you faded am I ... who's going to foot your ridiculous shopping bills then?!"
"I earn my own money thank you!!" I laugh at him, man he is driving me cuckoo
"What?! Remind me when was the last time you actually held down a job long enough to even get a decent months wage? I'm not stupid even though you think I am!! I know you have jacked in your job again ... one good thing about your bitching friends, they can't keep their mouths shut!!"
"I'm looking for another job okay so keep your shirt on." he snaps at me.
"To hell with it Mace why bother it's pretty obvious you don't want to work ... stay at home, I don't honestly care - if you think it makes you look good being a kept man - you carry on! Play the house wife like you play everything else in that fantasy world of yours!!" I laugh at him when he starts grinning at me, I knew that is exactly what he has wanted for ages. "Maybe then I might actually get a meal cooked for me when I get home from work!!"
"I do cook for you!!"
"Only when you've got your friends coming round otherwise I can whistle, like now I'm starving and don't have the strength to spit let alone cook myself a meal but you won't rush to feed me will you!!" he just laughs at me and reminds me it's my own fault because we should have been having dinner out tonight. "Which reminds me - our monthly food shopping bill is getting ridiculous by the way, I nearly fell off my chair when they told me how much it was!! It's because of all the poncy food you insist we eat just to impress your bitching friends."
I start laughing just remembering something I saw in the fridge when I first got in from work looking for something to eat but was too tired to sort through the shit he's got in there to find something I actually want to eat and I got a little freaked out by something moving about in there, so I just closed the fridge and came to sleep.
"Every time I open the fridge I already wander what the hell is going on in there ... but those thing you've got in there right now wrapped in damp newspaper ... I swear they are still moving!! Since when did we keep living wildlife in the fridge?"
"They are lobsters" he starts really laughing at me "They are for tomorrow night, you haven't forgotten have you." I roll my eyes, no I hadn't forgotten, he annoyingly always arranges for someone to come round on my days off "They are still moving because you have to cook lobsters while they are still alive."
"That's cruel and disgusting!! You are taking the piss!!" he shakes his head and laughs at me "A tin of tuna is cheaper already faded and tastes a lot nicer!! "
"You've got no class or taste and you are a tight arsed git that's your problems." he laughs at me. "I can't feed them a tin of tuna we'd be a laughing stock!!"
"I don't give a shit ... I want NORMAL food ... I'd kill for a cheese toasty, and I don't mean your poncy fruit flavored cheese that you've had shipped in from berry knows where and that stupid brown bread with bits all over it that tastes like dirty cardboard - I mean plain old cheddar and white bread with ketchup!!" I've made myself even hungrier just talking about cheese toasties, I've not had time to eat all day. "Actually I'm starving and seeing as you haven't taken the hint that I'm way too tired to cook I think I'm going to phone for a pizza and fries ... when was the last time you actually bought potatoes bigger than marbles so we can actually make fries?"
"You can't phone for a pizza .... what will the neighbors think?" he snaps with a look of disgust on his face.
"Which proves my point yet again ... Fuck the neighbors Mace, where the hell do you think we live anyway?! ... you are so far up your own arse I'm surprised I can even get in there!!" I snap at him "Just go to your social climbing dinner party with your bitches and leave me to eat my greasy pizza with fries and sleep in peace!! I am sick of you Mace!!"
"No I want you to come with me ...."
"For Fudge Sake Mace!!!" I snap at him really nastily because I'm seriously starting to lose my temper now. "Actually why am I even arguing with you Mace - Do one!! When did you suddenly become my wife? - actually when did you even become my boyfriend?! Mate!!"
He just lies there staring at me for ages without saying anything. I lie there just staring back wandering how we got to this? ... more to the point how did I let it get to this!!
It was great when we started out - it was the ideal situation for me to keep me away from temptation as well as grounded and it seemed the ideal situation for Mace too, we had the best of both worlds.
I had placed an ad for a housemate, I was rattling around in the three bedroom house I'd just brought. I didn't really need a house this big just for me, but I needed to move to a better class of area far away from the drugs and alcohol that I was having to walk past on the streets everyday on the rough estate where I lived, kids on the corner of the street as young as twelve blatantly swigging cider and smoking spliffs ... I was starting to get tempted.
I was okay when I was at work or out with mates but they have their own lives to live and when I was home alone I was getting a little lonely and found myself tempted on more than one occasion to find a bar to haunt just for company and the last thing I could afford was to start drinking again. I wanted a female housemate, not interested in a romantic relationship - still being in love with the man I'd walked out on 15 years before, I still couldn't let it go. I doubt anyone would ever come close so I'd resigned myself to a single life. I'm gay, I didn't need men wandering around the house and that's why I advertised for a female housemate.
Then Mace turned up at the door with a cheeky grin on his cute face. I told him I was after a female housemate and he made me laugh saying that he basically is female, he's gay. Really I should have told him to sling his hook there and then - he was gay and way too cute stood there in just shorts and flip flops showing off a body you could fade to get your hands on. My imagination was running totally wild just having him stood on the doorstep!!
The ad had been running for a month and he was the first one to even inquire about the room so against my better judgement I told him he could move in on a trial basis - helped by the fact that he looks like a pure brown berry like I do even though underneath we are both mixed - I like to travel when I get vacation time from work but hate traveling alone - he was not just becoming my housemate but also my traveling companion, he can go out into the coded world with me without any stress, nobody would bat an eyelid at two brown berry's being together.
It worked out great, he went about his life and I went about mine and he was always around when I needed company. He'd just come out of a bad relationship so we were both on the same page - neither of us in any hurry to start up a romantic relationship with anyone. We became a sounding board for each other, he poured his heart out about his ex and I told him about mine, the only thing I didn't tell him was his name. I can't even say it and I don't want to keep hearing it because it hurts too much so he became known as HIM or HE.
Mace had been around for about six months and in that time we'd become good mates and spent a lot of our free time together. Back then we seemed to both be a lot alike, we liked a lot of the same thing, we had a laugh always pulling harmless pranks on each other he was just as much a joker as I was. One day we were playing video games together and he just randomly came out with "I need a shag I'm as horny as hell!!" I cracked up. The joker I am, you don't say something like that around me and get away with it so I told him "I can easily sort that problem out for you!" I didn't expect him to answer back "Come on then, I'm game if you are!" I thought he was joking but he wasn't. He went straight for my trousers and I lost my head. For me it had been a long time - 15 years too long and it was just sex.
I made it clear from the start I loved HIM and didn't want anybody other than HIM. If I still loved and missed him so much to the point it still hurts even after 15 years apart I doubted I ever would be able to love anyone else. Mace knew that and he was fine with it ... to start with.
Slowly over time without me even noticing things were slowly changing. He came to me more and more for sex until he had moved into my room without me even realising at first, we slept in the same bed whether we were doing anything or not. His clothes slowly found their way into my wardrobe until he was completely living in my room. Bit by bit things change, he no longer paid rent and I found I was supporting him because he never held a job down for more than five minutes. Everything became ours and not his or mine, we went out together, his friends became my friends and mine became his, we shared everything. We even wound up with a joint bank account which I put money into every month for him to do the food shopping, the small amount going in there has slowly grown and most of it he now wastes with his shopping addiction. We were literally playing house together before I even realized it. We had fallen into a relationship of sorts but I refuse to give it a label.
The situation wasn't the only thing changing, so was Mace - he became quieter and troubled, his personality changed and he started to act like a nagging boyfriend. He started telling his friends I was his boyfriend and started with the fantacy world he's now living in for his and their benefit. When I tackled him about it all - he dropped the bombshell. He told me he loved me.
I handled the situation all wrong - I should have sent him packing, instead I gave him the choice to go or carry on as we are. I made it clear I don't love him and never will, I still don't want a relationship we are still just mates having sex he is never getting anything else out of me. Even though I didn't realize it myself at the time he is actually getting everything from me that you can get from a relationship other than one thing - love. He chose to stay, he said he was okay with it, he said just being with me how we were was better than nothing at all. He was fooling himself!!
Now it's getting to the point where I think he is starting to believe the fantasy, sometimes he forgets we are just mates having sex, he forgets I am not his boyfriend, he forgets I don't love him even though I tell him often enough - and when he isn't forgetting he is pushing me all the time for more when I've got nothing left to give him. He wants and probably needs me to love him but I can't!! I can see what this situation is doing to him, it has totally changed him, it is dragging him down and twisting him into a person I don't even know or like anymore.
Five years down the line we are lay here bitching like an old married couple who are spent and falling apart. I know I should have put a stop to this a long time ago for his sake and I never should have let it go this far.
My phone starts to ring which kind of pees me off a little because I really do want to order me a pizza, if for no other reason now than just to piss him off!!
I push Mace off me trying to get my phone out of my pocket, always aware that it could be an emergancy call from the hospital. Mace gets up off the bed and just stands there still staring at me ... I hope he isn't waiting to continue with this row!! I stay where I am lying on the bed and answer my phone glancing at the unknown number flashing up on my screen.
"Hello, is it possible to speak to Granite Rock please?" the male voice asks quietly and politely.
"Speaking." I reply wandering who it might be as I don't recognize the voice.
"I'm really sorry to disturb you but we are trying to locate a friends brother and I've got your number off a long list that we have of all the Granite Rocks we can find."
I laugh wandering if this is a dodgy call - any minute now he is going to try and sell me something.
"The Granite we are looking for is Granite Slate Rock who was born in Sugar Valley and has a brother called Gravel." he mentions my parents names and my date of birth "I don't suppose that is you?"
This makes me sit bolt upright.
What the fudge?! ... I automatically think something has happened to Gravel, I've been clean for too long for anything to be catching up with me now. Or is this about HIM?! I can hear another voice in the background saying something pretty similar almost like they are on another phone. Now I'm getting worried!!
"Yes that is me!! I am the Granite Rock you are talking about ... who is this??" I ask. I look up at Mace nervously, he is frowning at me and all I can do is shrug my shoulders.
"Oh Berry!! Can you hold on one second." he says to me then shouts almost excitedly to the other person who I can hear in the background "I've got him!! It's him!!" the phone makes a muffled noise like it is being passed about.
"Hello Granite. Do you know how hard you have been to track down ..." a different voice starts to speak to me and he's laughing.
"Who is this??!!" I snap because I'm starting to get irritated as well as worried.
"I'm sorry, Granite! I am Mango Muffin ... hopefully you will remember me from when we were children, I am Gravels friend."
My stomach flips over. Mango Muffin - The Dr Mango Muffin no less - well I never!! Now there is an orange blast from the past!!
Hell!! There are only two reasons that I can think of for why Mango could be calling me after all these years ... something has happened to Gravel or HIM!!
I'm scared of what he might be about to say!!
.......... Part 2 out tomorrow :)
Song = Stop tryna Change Me ~ Olly Murs