Saturday, 31 May 2014

Rock 7

Far Away .....

As soon as I walk out of the stadium I turn on my phone and am really surprised to find it going crazy for a moment with quite a few missed calls from various people flashing up on the screen.  Mom, Fudge, Mosaic, Mango, Lilly, Parsley, Mulberry, Sunny ... Gravel - what the fudge does he want!!??  

It looks like I'm popular for a change tonight!!

I laugh as I stuff my phone back into my pocket thinking if they want me urgently they will phone me back ... I just want to get home to Slate and my bed because I'm totally knackered after the game, I doubt very much that Slate's crying will keep me awake tonight!! 

Suddenly I get a nasty feeling wash over me and I stand thinking about the amount of missed calls I've had.  I'm guessing there is another E.F. (extended family) drama going on!!  I wander for a second if they have found Tapestry, then remember that neither Mosaic or Mulberry showed up to work tonight without letting anyone know why, which is really unlike both of them especially when there is a game!   This worries me for a moment and think maybe I should phone one of them and find out what's going on just in case it's something bad!

I pull my phone back out of my pocket and am just about to dial Mosaic's number when my phone starts ringing ... Mango's number flashes up on the screen.  I answer it quickly knowing if Mango is persistently calling me something is definitely going on!

"Bay, I don't suppose you've seen Slate over the past three days?"  he ask me.

"Yeah, he's crashing at mine why?"

"Oh thank berry!!  We have been looking for him everywhere! Gravel has got the police out looking for him!  Nobody has seen or heard from him for three days and he's not answering his phone to anyone ... is he okay?"  Mango is rambling on like he does without taking a breath, the guy is a robot!

"Gravel has got a nerve after what they have done!!!"  I snap down the phone  "Slate is not good, but he's not going to be is he!!"  Mango asks if he can speak to Slate so I tell him that I'm not with him, I'm at the stadium as I've only just walked out of work. "I'm heading back now I'll phone you when I get home."

"No!  Stay there ... I'll come and pick you up ... I really need to see him and make sure he's alright!!  I also need to talk to him about something quite important which I really don't want to do over the phone"  Mango says before saying goodbye and puts the phone down.  

Mango cracks me up ... he is the one who holds us all together and sorts out all of our drama's.  He is our rock!  I seriously don't know what we would do without him or even where he gets the energy from ... and I guess now he is going to be the one trying to pick up all the pieces from what Coral has done to Slate ... like he doesn't already have enough to worry about with Tapestry and River still missing.  I feel a little disappointed that it wasn't Tapestry and River that have been found, alive obviously!

It doesn't take long for Mango's car to pull up and I jump in.  I ask him if Slates disappearance is why Mosaic and Mulberry didn't show for work tonight.  He said everyone has been out looking for him, they were starting to get really worried about his disappearance we've already got Tapestry and River missing we don't need another one. 

Being a mixed berry they hoped he hadn't gone out of town but they were beginning to run out of places to look for him in Sugar Valley.   They didn't think about me because they didn't realize we were still friends anymore, it has been years since anyone has seen us together.  I explained that I'd found him in the cemetery visiting Storm's grave trying to get hammered to blot it all out, so I took him home because he said he had nowhere to go.

"What did you do to your hands?"  I ask him noticing his knuckles are all bruised.   He turns to look at me and laughs for a moment, that's when I spot his split lip.

"Gravel's face fell onto my fists quite a few times!!"  he laughs "I kind of lost it with him, he wound me up more by not fighting back!!   Luckily he's not pressing charges or I might have been in some trouble - Prelude got locked up for assaulting him once, but he was in uniform then!"  I laugh at Mango not quite believing he's had a punch up with Gravel, Mango is usual quite calm and collected even in a crisis and fighting just isn't his thing!  I wish I'd been there to see him lose it especially with Gravel!  "I got security throwing me out the hospital too, can you believe it, they banned me from the place until I'd calmed down!"

When the car pulls up outside I notice my house is in total darkness which I didn't expect.

I think maybe Slate might already be asleep, he hasn't slept well over the past few nights.  I open the door and flick on the light switch as I walk in, Mango following close behind.  I don't even look around the room as I wait for Mango to come in and I close the door behind him wandering what the strange smell is that is now creeping into my nostrils.

"FUDGE NO!!"  I hear Mango shout so I spin round and watch him as he runs over to the bed in a blind panic.

Slate is lay out face down on the bed.  I spot the empty bottles of vodka on the bed and floor ... It's his vomit that I can smell, he's lying in it, it's all over the bed.  My eyes fall on the box that is also lying on the bed which I recognize instantly.  Then I see the loose pain killers scattered all over the bed clothes and a pile of empty tablet strips lying on the floor by one of the empty vodka bottles. 

My already battered heart almost stops beating in my chest for a moment as I stand frozen and numb with shock, watching Mango, already thinking I know exactly what Slate has gone and done!!

 The silly bugger has tried to top himself!!

"IDIOT!!  He's taken an over dose with booze!!"  Mango glances up at me briefly as he rolls him over quickly and starts checking for a pulse, shining a light in his eyes and starts to give him mouth to mouth

"Bay ... phone for an ambulance QUICKLY he's barely with us!!"  Mango shouts as he sits over Slates body and starts pounding on his chest.

 ... I start panicking - has he already stopped breathing?! Are we too late?!

I pull out my phone and quickly dial 999.  I'm as scared as hell and don't take my eyes off what Mango is doing for a single second looking for any signs of life coming from Slate ... but I don't see any. 

Please not again!!

I sit staring at Slates almost lifeless and battered body hooked up to a collection of noisy machines in intensive care that are keeping him alive for now.  I am really struggling to hold myself together, but I have to or I'm going to give myself away!!

It's pretty scary stuff!!

I never even realized that alcohol could do so much damage.  I have never heard of acute alcohol poisoning before, and after witnessing it first hand ... it has scared me to the point where I doubt I will ever touch another drop of alcohol again. 

FATE had Mango picking me up from work and taking me home because if I had gone home alone Slate would not be here now.  I wouldn't have been able to have done a single thing for him as he lay there fading.  I think if I'd walked home like I normally do, and intended to, he would have already been gone by the time I reached home anyway.

When we found him on the bed he was lying in a pool of his own vomit and urine, hardly breathing and even before the ambulance arrived he started having seizures.  I just stood there frozen in shock while Mango fought to keep him alive.  If Mango hadn't been there Slate would definitely be gone now.

Mango asked me to collect the alcohol bottle and all the pills together that were left scattered on the bed so we can try to work out how much he had taken.  I found four vodka bottles, one full and three empty that definitely had not been in the house when I'd left for work.  When I told him that it looks like Slate has drank three whole bottles of vodka and there were about 20 painkillers left out of a full box of 100 that I'd collected on prescription a few days ago and only had one out of, Mango started to panic a little himself.  

I think he knew then it was not only the overdose he was fighting but possibly acute alcohol poisoning too ... the combination of the two ... probably fatal ... so he told me to get myself prepared, he didn't see this ending well!!

He tried to explain it to me, Slate must have consumed an excessive amount of alcohol in a very short period of time.  Our bodies apparently can only process one unit of alcohol an hour ... each bottle of vodka contains 30 units ... so a sudden intake of 90 units of alcohol was just way too much for his or anyone's body to handle ... and that's even before you start to take the painkillers into account.  All of his organs are shutting themselves down and he'll be very lucky if he even pulls through this.

Slate KNOWS all this being a trainee doctor ... he KNEW exactly what he could be doing to himself ... he must have MEANT to do this!!  He must have known that if the alcohol didn't get him the painkillers would!

I couldn't have sat around at home waiting for the horrible phone call to come with the bad news that I am expecting.  Not that it's any easier having to sit and watch either, but I had to stay with him because I had already started to feel partly responsible for this happening.  So I jumped into the ambulance and go with Mango and Slate to the hospital.

The ride to the hospital was scary enough on it's own, I sat back and watched the pandemonium going on with the two paramedics and Mango, I don't understand half of what they are doing to Slate all I know is they are trying to keep him alive ... and really struggling.  At one point the ambulance had to pull over, he had a seizure followed by a cardiac arrest ... watching them trying to shock his heart back into action is probably the scariest thing I've ever had to watch ... Thankfully they managed it.  

He's too young ... he shouldn't be going through all this and he's definitely too young to fade or even want to end his life!!  

All the time I kept thinking he is not going to make it through this ... just like Storm didn't.  Another waste of life!!  I am not sure that I could go through all that grief again and remain sane, not so soon and especially not with Slate.  I sat nervously terrified, for what felt like hours, alone outside intensive care ... just waiting.  My heart breaking all over again!!

The ventilator is making a horrible noise as it goes up and down, and while that machine is doing his breathing for him, he is hooked up to quite a few different machines that are also doing very important things for him.  He is on full life support.  Without it he is not surviving.

I sit watching him relieved he's made it this far even if he has a load of difference machines helping to keep him alive at the moment.  Praying that he's going to make it through this because we really don't know if he will!!  He is now stable enough for me to sit in with him.  There is a nurse sat at a desk keeping a very close eye on him while Mango slips out to phone around and tell everyone that he's found Slate and what's going on with him.

I feel guilty, I think this is partly my fault!  I should have spotted the state that he was in!!  They were my prescription painkillers that he took for berry's sake, why didn't I think to take them out of the house when I left him alone?!  I knew he was really cut up by what Coral and Gravel have done to him, I've had to lie awake for hours for the last two night listening to him crying his heart out ... it's damn near killed me having to just lie there listening to him hurting.  Then there is all the strange shit he's been doing, kissing me looking for some sort of comfort ... I should have seen that he's totally lost the plot!  I was beginning to think it but I should have thought it through properly. 

I knew he was trying to put on a brave face ... but I never thought for one moment that he might try to take his own life like he has tried to do.  If I'd even had the slightest inkling that he might do this to himself then I would never have gone to work and left him alone!!  I should have seen this coming just by the amount of crying he has been doing for the past two night!!  Slate is not a crier!!  In all the time I've known him I've only seen him cry once before the other night when he staggered into the cemetery and cracked up and that was at Storms funeral.

I find myself holding his hand and I start to play with his fingers.  I can't help but keep thinking about those kisses.  Hell!!  Why would a straight guy kiss another guy like that?  Like he was actually feeling it!  Whatever possessed him to kiss me in the first place?  I can only think that it was a cry out for some kind of affection because of how alone he now feels, and a few moment of madness fueled by the alcohol that he totally regrets today!!  He is not gay ... I'm wandering if he had been feeling grossed out by those kisses today on top of what he's already going through ... is that second kiss what has pushed him over the edge? I let it go way too far, I pushed it way too far, it was a little intense - I was on the verge of losing all control and I think so was he which I don't quite understand when he's into women not men! 

I let both of those kisses happen, I could so easily have stopped them both from happening.   The moment his lips pressed down onto mine - I thought about stopping him for one slit second but I didn't!  I should have pushed him away and stopped him, but I didn't ... I let it happen, because I wanted it to happen and selfishly I couldn't let an opportunity like that pass me by, thinking at the time it's never going to happen again.  I thought just once isn't going to hurt!  But it does hurt!!  I should have stopped him for my own sake as well as his.  I've opened everything back up again, started it all off again and now I'm back to square one feeling like I did when I was 15 years old!!  Wanting something that I know I can never have!

I laugh at myself, I am such a jerk!!  Thinking about the situation that I've now helped put myself back into.   It's always been Slate!!  Ever since we were spotty teenagers at school ... I swear he is the reason I am gay!!  He was that mad school boy crush that every kid gets at some point in their life  ... the one that is always out of reach ... the one who doesn't even knows you are alive and doesn't remotely feel the same way that you do or even have the slightest idea of how you feel about them.   The one that you day dream about constantly or watch in the classroom always thinking I wish!!.  Then of course I have the added burden of the one who isn't gay like I am.  

When he started dating girls it nearly killed me - I had to put distance between us because I couldn't be around him ... it hurt too much ... but this was more than just a crush because it's never gone away!!  I was coping with it, I was living with it  ... now I'm not so sure I can anymore!!

Mango walks back into the room, so I quickly let go of Slates hand.  He's looking pretty stressed out - I know Mango, he takes what his kids do onto himself, he'll be feeling responsible for what Coral has done when really he shouldn't!!  She has her own mind and this is her doing, but Mango will take it as a failing of his.  I have watched him for years kicking himself over some of the stuff that Tapestry has done ... but this, I'm not sure that Tapestry has ever done anything as low as what Coral has done!!

He says he's managed to hold off the hoards for the time being ... he's told everyone he can't have visitors yet because he's still critical.  He doesn't think that Slate would appreciate everyone gawking at him in this state anyway.

He checks all the monitors and and does a few things to him then he comes and sits down next to me and put's his head in his hands.  He is quiet for a moment then he glances up at me and smiles.

"You know I remember, like it was yesterday, when your Dad was lying in this very room in pretty much the same state as Slate ....."  

I don't know why but he starts to tell me the story of what happened the day that Manderine drove the car at Mom, Dad, Fudge and me.  I was too young to remember it because I had only been a toddler at the time, but I've been told that the small scar that I have on my forehead is from that day.  I was tipped out of the pushchair along with Fudge who was just a baby when Dad literally threw the pushchair out of the way of the car and stood there taking the hit.  If Dad hadn't done that me and Fudge would both have been goners!  

Mango made me laugh when he said I'd been running around in A&E, before Sunny came to collect me and Fudge, without a care in the world a big cheeky grin on my face showing everyone and anyone the stitches in my head like I was proud of them.  While my Mom was on the verge of having a breakdown and my Dad was in here fighting for his life.  He was telling me about what they had to go through in theatre with my Dad ... 

Suddenly the door bursts open quite forcefully and Gravel comes rushing in ... 

Just seeing Gravel makes me really angry!!  Mango is up on his feet and flies at Gravel stopping him from coming any further into the room.

"GET OUT before I lose it with you again!!"  he yells at Gravel  "I don't know how you have GOT THE NERVE to show your face!!"

"He's my Son!!  You should have told me straight away!"  Gravel shouts at him the tears are rolling down his face.

"YES and just look at what YOU have reduced your Son to!! and he doesn't even know about the baby yet!!  Berry knows how I'm going to tell him now!!  That's if I EVER get the chance to tell him!!"  Mango yells back at him  " and I was too busy trying to keep him alive to phone your miserable ass straight away, you are lucky I even called you at all!!"

Baby? What Baby? I've never seen Mango so angry he grabs Gravel roughly by the arm and almost shakes him. 

"Take one good look Gravel because that is all you are getting ... do you see what you and Coral have done!!"  Gravel tries to shake off Mango's grip on his arm and move towards the bed but Mango pulls him back, they are both crying now which is making me go.  "Now you can GET OUT!!! You can take that image of your son with you and I hope it eats you up until you can't live with your miserable self anymore!!"

"He's my Son Mango I need to be with him!!"

"Like hell you do!!  YOU and Coral have destroyed that boy!!  You should have brought her with you because she also needs to see what she's done!!"  

Mango seriously looks like he's about to lose it, I've seen him mad in the past but never like this.   


"He's my Son!!  You have no right to stop me!!" 

"You are A JOKE  ... it's a pity you didn't remember he was your son every time you dragged my daughter into your bed behind his back!!"  Mango yells at him.


"YOU are the reason Slate is lying in that bed - YOU PUT HIM THERE ... now sling your hook before I call security!!"  Mango yells and I hear Gravel laughing sarcastically  "And don't even think you can flash your police badge in this hospital because you know it won't work!!"  he starts pushing Gravel in the chest and I can see they are both getting very angry, I'm waiting for it all to kick off.  "You know very well, I'm the one with the authority in this place and as his doctor I am telling you, you are not stepping one foot into this room again until Slate says you can ... that's IF he actually makes it through this!!  Now GET LOST!!!"  

"So why is Bayleaf in here?"  Gravel asks frowning at me

"He's been trying to look after your son for the past three days, he's the one Slate turned to while he's shut the rest of us out!!  If it wasn't for him Slate would probably be down in the mortuary right now instead of up here fighting for his life ... so I'd say he has more right to be in here than you do right now ... NOW YOU CAN GET OUT!!"  

"Mango PLEASE!!"

"NO Gravel .... you really don't get it do you ...  Why has he done this to himself?  You and Coral have upset him enough to drive him to do this!!   The last two people he needs or probably wants to see in here right now is either you or her ... if you love your son you'll stay out in the corridor where you can't upset him anymore  ... but if you want to hinder his recover then you go ahead, be my guest he's your son after all ... you sit by his bed and finish off the job!!"   

Gravel just stands there with his eyes closed saying nothing.

"I'm not doing this to be spiteful, I'm doing what is best for Slate right now - he's obviously mentally and emotionally mashed up and YOU are the cause of it, you sitting in his face is not going to help him ... you can sit out in the corridor until he says he wants you in here!!"

Mango pushes Gravel out through the door quite forcefully, but he doesn't put up much of a fight, I think he listened to what Mango had just said to him.  I hear Mango shout a security guard

"Get two security permanently onto this door and if THAT man tries to come in here again have him arrested ... I'm sure his colleagues at the station would love to hear about how much of a SCUM BAG he is!!"  

I can't believe what I'm hearing ... Gravel is the police officer here not Mango yet he's calling all the shots!   He walks back into the room slamming the door behind him, a face like thunder.  I can't help but laugh at him, when he's fighting for a cause he pulls out all the stops whether he's in the right or wrong ... he just goes for it and there is no stopping him.  

I'm not so surprised that Mango appears to have taken Slates side.  What Gravel and Coral have done to Slate is way below the belt!!   If I know Mango - the treatment he's dishing out to Gravel, I should imagine Coral is getting exactly the same ... he's really upset over this and is definitely fighting in Slates corner!  

Which I know is one of the things that was really upsetting Slate.  He felt so totally alone.  He thought the whole family would just turn their backs on him now he and Coral are over.  He's grown very close to Mango, Lilly and Mosaic especially, Lilly probably cutting him up the most because she's the closest thing to a Mother that he's ever had, his own Mother fading when he was born.  I did try to tell him they wouldn't turn their backs on him but he didn't believe it - I just wished he was awake to see this!

"Can you actually do that to Gravel Mango?"

"Yes ... if necessary, if it is in the best interest of the patient ... Gravel is the last person he needs right now ... just his presence here could upset him and hinder his recovery - what they have done has obviously unhinged him - I never would have put Slate down to do this!!  I'm worried about him getting anymore upset!!"  he goes quiet for a moment  "I am NEVER going to forgive Coral for this!!"

He frowns at me then and asks me if I heard him mention the baby.  Which I had.  So he tells me that Coral is pregnant and she doesn't know if it's Slates or Gravels baby.  Oh Fudge!!   Mango is now stressing over how and when to tell Slate because he thinks it might just tip him completely over the edge.

I ask him if Slate is going to make it because he hasn't really explained much past the machines.  I'm pretty upset by what he tells me ... they are watching him closely to make sure he doesn't have any more complications ... it's basically just a waiting game, all of his vital organs had virtually shut down and they have to wait for them to pick themselves up and start repairing themselves - if they do at all.  If and when they can function on their own then they will start taking him off the machines slowly one at a time.  Providing that he comes off the machines okay, the next thing they have to worry about is permanent organ damage or brain damage.  

I cringe when he says brain damage because I've had to live with my Dads brain damage all of my life, as well as witnessing Lilly's on a regular bases.  Mango explains that there is always a chance that his brain was starved of oxygen for too long because of the seizures, because of how shallow his breathing was when we found him and also the rapid intake of pain killers and alcohol alone can cause permanent brain damage.

Me and Mango are talking when suddenly one of the machines start going crazy, Mango dives up off his chair.  It sounds like bells are ringing everywhere the door slams open and a few doctors and nurses run into the room and Mango starts shouting at me to get out.  I stand there frozen, I can't move, as I watch the medical staff swarm around the bed.

"BAY OUT NOW!!!"  Mango yells at me but I still can't move.  One of the nurses takes me by the arm gently and ushers me quickly out of the room.

I stand outside the door in the corridor now terrified again. 

I stand there numbly staring at Fudge and Mosaic who are sat in the corridor on the couch outside Slates room.  I didn't even realize they were here.  I can see that Fudge is upset and Mosaic is trying to calm her down.   

At least Fudge and Mosaic seem to be getting it right relationship wise.  They are the most together couple that I know and are really good together.  I can't see their relationship ending in a car crash like everyone elses seems to be at the moment.
Gravel jumps up off his chair grabbing my arm and asking me what's going on.  I can't tell him even if I wanted too because I don't know what is going on myself!!  All I can do is push him away forcefully and yell at him to get lost quite nastily.  What I would really like to do is add to the collection of bruises on his face but I know I've got to keep my head!!  

I don't want to look at him or even talk to him ... I think this is mostly his fault!!  If Coral had gone off with some random guy, any guy, Slate could have taken it ... but it was his own Dad - this is what has upset him the most and probably what has tipped Slate over the edge!!    

"Leave him Bay!!  That low life is not worth getting yourself into trouble for!!"  Mosaic puts his arm around me and pulls me away while he scowls at Gravel.

"You should sling your hook back to Coral and leave Slate to people who do care about him because obviously you two don't!!  You two are disgusting and you deserve each other!!"    he snaps at Gravel who just stares at him and says nothing.  

I can see how angry Mosaic is, I know he's become pretty close to Slate, he treats him like a brother, the same way he treats me.  I think he is as shocked as everyone else now that he knows what his sister has been up to with Gravel behind Slates back.

Mosaic pulls me over to the coach and I sit down next to Fudge.  I can't hold it in any longer and I crack up and start crying like a baby!  Everyone just sits there silently until I have pulled myself together.

"So ... you finally get your man and he goes and tries to bale on you after only a few days of your company!!"  Fudge says smiling at me.  If that was an attempt at a joke to try and cheer me up it was a pretty sick one which makes me really angry!!  "Don't worry about Mo he knows, I told him ages ago!!"

"Sis you are not even funny!!"  I snap at her quite nastily as I take a quick glance at Mosaic who just smiles at me  "It's the middle of the night!!  What are you even doing here anyway?"

"We couldn't sleep worrying about Slate and I came to make sure you are okay.  I'm starting to worry about you ... first Storm and now Slate!!"  

I'm not really sure how to take that, she's really upset me with her sick joke and I think she's trying to wind me up so I take what she said the wrong way - she's almost making me feel like she is saying that everyone is fading because they are around me.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"  I snap at her nastily

"Bay chill out!!  I didn't mean anything nasty by it ... you got yourself into a right state when Storm faded and I know how you feel about Slate ... I'm just worrying about you getting yourself too upset again!!  and is it really such a good idea that you have Slate staying with you?!  You are just going to make things hard for yourself again!!"

Besides Storm, Fudge is the only person who knows how I feel about Slate - and right now I'm wishing that I had kept it to myself!!  Me and Fudge have always been very close and when I realized I was gay, she was the only one I could talk to about it - she helped me to make sense of it all and she kept my secrets to herself or so I thought.

"Of course I'm upset ... I would be if any of my friends were in his situation, and if you are carrying on because of the way I feel about him don't bother nothing has changed ...  Slate is not gay I know that, so don't go worrying that I'm under any illusion that he's going to fall in love with me because I know that's never happening ... he is just a mate who's crashing until he sorts himself out ... "

I am distracted and stop talking for a moment as I watch another large machine being wheeled into the room where Slate is.  I guess that must be a good sign that he is still with us.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that if I was you Bayleaf!!"  

Suddenly Gravel starts laughing quite loudly the three of us turn to stare at him.  I glare at him, angry that he is butting into our conversation.  I'm seriously starting to detest that man.  How can he even be laughing at a time like this.

"If you can't see that Slate hasn't found himself yet then you are as stupid as Coral was!!"  I frown at him because he really isn't making any sense.  "Slate has no clue where women are concerned, he never treated Coral right, he used to make me angry ... with women he's not comfortable and like a fish out of water!!  Slate would be much better in a relationship with another male - You Bayleaf!!  He just doesn't even know it himself yet!!"

Gravel smiles at us and the three of us just sit in silence staring at him in disbelief.  I for one think he's gone mad!  If this is how his brain works it's no wander he hasn't found Tapestry and River yet, or has his mind been on Coral too much that he's not concentrating at work!!

"Are you off your head!!??"  I snap at him

"No!!  I've always thought it, I used to watch you two together when you were kids, I expected you two to just fall into a romantic relationship.  I was very surprised, shocked even, when he started dating girls.  I've seen it all before - Slate is so like my brother - my brother is gay and Slate is meant to be when he realizes it!!"  he smiles at me  "Bayleaf you should tell him how you feel ... you never know, you just might get what you want!!" 

I tell him he's off his head again and he just sits laughing at me.

"I've been thinking about our chat in the meadow and how you two used to be when you were kids - permanently attached at the hip and all over each other like a rash.  Like Mango said - You are the one he's turned to while he's shut everyone else out, that tells you something doesn't it!"   

Does it? because I think he's just making excuses to try and clear his own conscience!  

"I see what you did now - when he got his first girlfriend you shut him out!!  I don't think you even realize just how upset he got over you turning your back on him!!   You've done this to yourself Bayleaf, if you had stuck around instead of doing a runner and distancing yourself thing could have been a whole lot different now ... he would have realized where he is supposed to be a whole lot sooner!"

"You are talking shit!!  Slate is into woman I don't know how you can even suggest he should be gay!!  What are you trying to do make up any old shit to clear your conscience or have you lost the plot too??"  I snap at him  "I guess your conscience must be pretty heavy right now - I know about your dirty secret ... I am beginning to think you've got a problem don't you like them your own age?! ... first Strawberry, now Coral ... who's next??"

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I knew I shouldn't have said them, but he is seriously winding me up!!  Gravel jumps to his feet.

"Slate shouldn't have told you about that!!"  Gravel snaps at me, he now looks angry  "Strawberry was a stupid drunken one off ..."

Mosaic jumps up and grabs Gravel round the throat briefly  "You better not be messing my sister about after all the damage you two have caused .... she's pregnant you berry hole and if it's yours and you mess her about I'm going to bury you!!"   he yells and off he goes.  

I wished I hadn't said anything now as I watch Mosaic going mental at Gravel, he's throwing Coral Slate Parsley and Strawberry at him ... telling him exactly what he thinks about him and he's not holding anything back!

Both me and Fudge are trying to pull him off Gravel but he's lost it.

The door opens to Slates room and Mango rushes out and just stands there glares at all of us after he's yelled at us to shut up and stop fighting.  We have all gone silent and stare back at him, he makes me feel like a naughty child. 

"I can hear you lot yelling in there!!  This is intensive care unless you've forgotten!!"  he snaps at Mosaic who moves away from Gravel and sits down.  "What's going on Mo?"

"Nothing Dad!"  he mumbles  "I'm Sorry I just lost if for a minute!"

"Take Fudge home it's getting late and don't come back Mosaic until you have calmed yourself down!!  You can see Slate when you come back later."  he turns to me and smiles  "Bay you can go back in now."

Gravel asks Mango what's happening.  Mango tells him that Slate is okay for now and he'll be out in a while to talk to him about everything that is going on with Slate ... this surprises me a little after the outburst he had with him earlier, but I suppose at the end of the day he is Slates Dad and he does have a right to know.  

He pulls me into the room and closes the door behind us.

I can see the machine sitting by the bed, the machine I'd seen being wheeled into the room earlier, it's huge and it looks pretty scary.  Mango tells me it's a dialysis machine, he's had total kidney failure - so he's now on dialysis until he is strong enough to have a kidney replacement.

"Let's hope Gravel is healthy and a good match!"  he says which makes me frown at him not really knowing what he means  "He could be about to lose one of his kidneys, Slate needs it ... it's the least he can do!!"  I don't know whether to laugh or cry!!   

"What were you lot arguing about in the corridor?  I could hear Mosaic shouting in here - something to do with Parsley and Strawberry?"  I shake my head, I really don't want to tell him and add any more fuel to the fire - I shouldn't have said anything in the first place, but he was making me angry with his stupid theory's about Slates sexuality and knowing he's had a fling with Strawberry then moved onto Coral I'm beginning to think he's a little slimy!!  "Come on Bay I want to know ... or shall I go and ask Gravel?"

"I doubt he'll tell you, it's his dirty secret that Mo was going mad over!!"  I pull a face at Mango knowing he's just going to go on until he gets it out of me.  "I shouldn't have said anything in the first place but he was winding me up out there and I just threw it at him without thinking  ... Slate told me - Coral isn't the only one Gravel has been sleeping with lately.  Slate walked in on Gravel and Strawberry a few months back."  his eyes widen with shock  "Gravel told Slate it was just a drunken one off but Slate isn't convinced especially after he moved onto Coral straight after - Coral knew about it too and she stopped Slate from telling Parsley."  I watch Mango scowling down at the floor  "Mango please, don't go kicking off over it, I shouldn't have said anything ... I don't want to cause any more trouble than there already is and the only person who is going to get hurt if this gets out is Parsley!!"

"Don't worry I don't have the energy to start any more arguments tonight!! ... it will keep ... Bay you should go home and get some sleep you look shattered!!"

I am shattered but I can't go home. 

I would never rest not knowing what is going on in this room.  I can't leave him now not knowing if he is going to be okay.  Mango is not happy with me staying but he goes off to talk to Gravel about the kidney failure then go home himself to get some sleep.

I pull the chair up close to the bed and lie my head down on the bed next to Slate, hold his hand and close my eyes.  I can't help but keep thinking about what Gravel had said out in the corridor, while I am waiting to fall asleep.

Gravel recons Slate should be gay and hasn't found himself yet - this makes me laugh - what is that bloke on?  Is he trying to clear and ease his own conscience, trying to find excuses to make what he's done not look so bad ... it almost sounded like he is trying to make out he has rescued Coral from Slates bad treatment and he's doing Slate a favour by taking Coral away from him - so he can help him to find himself!!

Slate isn't gay!!  I would never be that lucky!!  He fancies women not men!!  You can't fake that and why would he pretend to be something he isn't - there would be no point.  It's women he looks at not men and I know because I've watched him closely!!  Any pretty girl who has long legs and big breasts and his eyes are on stalks!!  He has only ever had girlfriends - he fancies my sister for berrys sake!!  

How can Slate not know if he is meant to be gay or straight by now - Gravel is just talking out of his backside!!!  

Then I think about that second kiss - he definitely wasn't faking that either,  that was some kiss!!  Why would a straight guy kiss another guy like that?  I know he was feeling it, I could feel exactly what it was doing to him, his erection that he kept rubbing against my leg told me all that I needed to know.  He was as turned on as I was!!  

Hell I'm so confused!!

All I can do is cry myself to sleep. 

Song = Far Away ~ Nickleback
I had two songs for this chapter and it aggrevated me that I could only use one because they both fit perfectly in their own way.
the other song is Lullaby - Nickleback

Monday, 19 May 2014

Rock 6

trigger warning

I am Only One ... 

I'm a little surprised by the place where Bayleaf lives.  I've passed by this house so many times but have never taken any notice of it, never really knowing anyone who's lived here.  

It's very small, but it's quite cosy and really nice.  It's completely all open plan except for the bathroom.  The bedroom, kitchen and living room all occupy the same space, there is definitely nowhere to hide in this place.

I guess this is the kind of place that I should find for myself ... I can see me being single for a very long time ... I doubt I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again ... if I can't trust my own Dad who can I trust?! 

I laugh to myself thinking, of course Bayleaf's home would be immaculate.  There is not a thing out of place or a spec of dust anywhere, quite the opposite of how you would expect a bachelor pad to be.  I remember how he always used to keep his bedroom when we were kids, he's a very finicky perfectionist or a clean freak I'm really not sure which.  

He used to go ballistic at me for dropping so much as a sweet wrapper or creasing his bed clothes.  He refused to even enter my bedroom, saying he'd break his neck or catch something in there.  I guess I should have known back then that Bayleaf was showing signs of being gay!!  He was always a right girl!!

 My room was always a mess and upside down, the carpet rarely saw the light of day, always covered in clothes, books, toys, magazines, everything lived on the floor.  My Dad always too busy to clean it up with work and trying to bring me up on his own.  He gave up trying to keep my room tidy, because after wasting hours of his spare time in there tidying it, it used to take me literally half of that time to mess it straight back up again.  Back in the day when I was happy!!  

My room has only ever been tidy since Coral moved into it!  I have to stop myself!!  I really don't need to be thinking about these things right now or it is just going to make me feel even worse!!  Reminding me of what I've lost ... my Dad!!

Bayleaf asks me if I'm hungry and even though I haven't eaten anything since breakfast I tell him I'm not.  Not sure I could even face food right now.  He throws himself on the double bed and flicks on the TV, changes it to a music channel and turns the volume down a little.  He reaches under his bed and pulls out a few bottles and hands one to me.

"As you can see this place is a little cramped, so if you want to watch TV, I'm afraid the bed is the place."  he pats the bed and laughs  "Don't worry I'm not going to pounce on you!!"

I find it strange that he's always trying to reassure me not to worry because he's gay.  I wander if some of the other guys have been giving him a hard time, he did say some of them are now nervous of him.  I'm not really sure I understand that!  I throw myself onto the bed next to him, we lie there drinking chatting and watching the TV.

"So come on truthfully, and DON'T say Storm, if you could have any man in Sugar Valley who would it be?"  he smirks at me  

"Don't think you can catch me out that easily because I am NOT going to tell you who he is!!"  I start laughing at him ... I've been busted, I'm dying to find out who he is in love with! I can't even imagine who it might be.  "Okay, forget him ... who else do you fancy?"

"Mulberry is pretty fit."  I start laughing at him again 

"Do you have a thing for the purple branch of the Orchids?  Storm - Mulberry - next you'll be telling me you fancy Prelude!!"

"Oh no ... definitely not!! that guy scares the shit out of me!!  Besides HE is my age and that's all I'm going to tell you!"  he laughs at me  "Anyway you can talk didn't you have a thing for Juniper at one time ... seems like you went for the wrong purple cousin."  he smiles at me.

"Tell me about it!! ... although Juniper is a little out of my league I think!!  besides she's dating Maize isn't she." 

"Don't talk shit!!  How is she out of your league?! ... yeah she is with Maize now."  he smirks at me  "So come on it's your turn ... if you could have any woman in Sugar Valley who would it be?"

 "No contest ... definitely Fudge ... Mosaic is one lucky berry hole, I still don't know how he managed to pull her! ... Man she has a face and body to fade for and those legs!!!"

Suddenly Bayleaf starts roaring with laughter so I sit up and look at him as he's rolling around in hysterics, I don't understand why at first ... then the penny drops.

"Oh Fudge!!  I'm Sorry Bay, I forgot for a moment she is your sister!!  That is just how distracting she is!!"  I smirk at him even though I am a little embarrassed. I'm glad he's finding it amusing.  "Your mother is not bad either!!"  

He grabs a pillow and starts beating me with it while he's still laughing telling me to keep my beady eyes off his Mother.  I grab the other pillow and start beating him back.  We end up having a pillow fight.  We dive off the bed and are beating each other with pillows for quite a while constantly in hysterics.  I can't help but laugh when he laughs.  He's one of those people with an infection personality, he's always smiling and it's catching, you can't help but smile and laugh with him.

I actually found I have temporarily forgotten my problems for a while and I'm enjoying myself.  I hit him across the back pretty hard and the pillow splits, the feathers inside all burst out in a huge cloud which flies up into the air and I'm left holding just the empty pillow case.  Bayleaf takes one look at the pillow case dangling in my hand and cracks up completely. 

"Oops!! Bay I think I owe you a pillow!!" 

We both fall back onto the bed having hysterics, while feathers are raining down on us.  Bayleaf's head is not too far from mine, and something about the way he is lay there laughing makes me wander what it would be like to kiss him ... I suddenly have this really over powering urge of wanting to kiss him as I stop laughing and just lie there watching him.

"Bay ..."  he turns his head to look at me and his laughter dies away slowly until he's just lying there staring back at me, his green eyes are almost dancing in the dim light and they get me, he smiles at me ... and that does it.

I shorten the distance between us quickly and without even thinking about it I've rolled over him and am pressing my lips down onto his.  I see his eyes widen, his mouth doesn't move almost like he's frozen in shock ... he would never have expected it ... I don't even know where this has come from!!  He moves his hands towards me like he's about to push me away so I pin then down on the bed to stop him.  He lays there frozen so I run my tongue gently across his bottom lip and his lips part, I start to kiss him and he responds by kissing me back.

I close my eyes and become completely lost in the kiss. I don't care that I'm kissing another man because it just feels so good, better than any kiss I can remember sharing with Coral, and I really don't want it to stop.  The pace of our mouths moving together quickens as I lose my grip on his hands and let my own start to wander.  I feel his hand run through my hair, my whole body starts tingling with excitement as I let my hand starts wandering up and under his top and across his bare chest.

"SLATE STOP!!"  he says suddenly breaking the kiss and pushing me away from him  "You don't want this!!"  he says breathlessly.

"I do!!"  I mumble as I try to kiss him again annoyed that he's stopped.   

He tries not to let me kiss him again.  He holds me away from him for a moment as he stares up at me, our eyes lock which I think gets him for a moment as he relaxes his grip on me I try to kiss him again.  He shouts "No!!"  then throws me over onto my back, he moves quickly and now I am the one pinned to the bed by my arms as he hovers over me.  I just stare up at him.

"You are not gay ... you are very drunk ... you are hurting ... you will hate this when you are sober ... and you'll definitely hate me and yourself in the morning!! Trust me Slate we have to stop now!!"  

Bayleaf releases his grip on my arms and moves off the bed to get away from me.  He stands staring at me as he runs his hand through his hair and bites his lip.  

"As much as I want too, I can't let you do it!!"  he says as he goes to walk into the bathroom, he stops by the door momentarily  "You can take the bed, I'll sleep on the couch tonight."  he says without looking at me before he closes the door behind him quietly.

I roll over onto my stomach and cover my head with the pillow while I wait for my body to cool down.  Hell, I'm now confused, what just happened?!  Where did that come from?  

Coral and Dad slam back into my head which takes my mind away from what just happened with Bayleaf and I cry myself out before I eventually crawl into the bed exhausted and fall to sleep. 

My swollen and heavy tired eyes follow Bayleaf as he moves quietly around the room tidying up the mess that we made last night. He hasn't noticed I'm awake as he crawls around on his hands and knees trying to pick up the feathers that are scattered all around the room.  

I hear him quietly swearing under his breath.  I wander for a moment if he might be regretting offering me a place to crash.  If he wasn't last night he might be this morning after I tried to pounce on him, then I took over his bed while he was relegated to the couch.  

I am not sure that Bayleaf had slept any better than I had last night. I heard him tossing and turning for hours after he turned the lights out completely, and I swear at one point I even heard him crying!  I'm not sure if it was the couch being uncomfortable that had kept him awake, me crying, even though I tried to be as quiet as I could, or if I'd rattled him kissing him like I had.  His restlessness might not even have had anything to do with me for all I know ... but I'm guessing it did.

What was I even thinking ... I'm not gay ... but that kiss, my stomach flips over now just thinking about it.  I'm wandering if it was the alcohol that fueled the excitement running through me last night?  I wander if I kiss him this morning if it will feel totally different?  Just where is my head at?!  Why am I even thinking about kissing him again, he's a guy for berry's sake!!

Bayleaf must have heard me moving, I see him glance up at me from where he's crouched at the bottom of the bed and he smiles at me.  I can't help thinking he has a nice smile, he has actually got quite a cute face for a guy ... how have I never noticed that before! 

He stands up as I'm rubbing my eyes which feel really puffy and sore.  I'm surprised that I don't really have too much of a hangover this morning, or is it afternoon?

"Sleeping beauty wakes!!"  he stands by the bed smiling at me again.  "I see you haven't changed any you untidy git - your clothes are all over the floor you scruff!!"  he laughs suddenly - I bet he's remembering my untidy bedroom.

"I'm sorry!!  I didn't know where else to put them."  he laughs at me again and points towards the washing basket.  I guess I've been told!  I ask him what time it is because I can't see a clock anywhere.

"It's past midday ... I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you  ... I thought you might sleep all day you didn't sleep too well last night did you."

"Bay, I didn't mean to evict you from your bed!!"  he smiles at me and says it wasn't a problem, I really hope he means that and isn't just staying it!!  "You didn't sleep too well either did you, I heard you tossing and turning for hours."

He explains it wasn't the couch, that its quite normal, he's never really been a very good sleeper.  The only time he really sleeps well is when he comes home from work totally knackered after a game, so it's generally only once a week that he sleeps well.  He thinks I might get annoyed with his tossing and turning after a while, but I laugh at him and tell him I'm a heavy sleeper, normally when my head hits the pillow I'm out and there could be an earthquake and I'd never notice.

This makes me think suddenly! I wander if Coral and Dad have been creeping about in the middle of the night while I've been fast asleep - having it away while I've been snoring - they both know I'm a heavy sleeper and they could have done anything and I never would have known!!  

Bayleaf is watching me with a strange expression on his face that I can't really read ... I wander if I've peed him off by invading his space and being my normal untidy self.  I feel totally lost at the moment and really need my old best mate back right now, the last thing I want to do is upset him so that we end up falling out again - not that I even understand why he just totally distanced himself away from me in the first place!
"Maybe I need to get out of your hair ... I should check into the motel and go house hunting."

"Don't be silly!!  You can stay here for as long as you want!  Is it such a good idea you being on your own at the moment? and I've told you I'll be glad of the company - even yours!!"  he grins at me.

He tells me that he's used to living in a busy mad house, whereas this place is like a morgue.   His Dad can be pretty hard to cope with at times and there is always a constant stream of people around to help Mom cope with him, the Orchids, Shines and district nurses mainly.  His family home is like an open house and is constantly busy just like the Orchid house because of Lilly, so living here alone has been quite a shock to his system.

"Just one thing I will say Slate, I can see you are still an untidy git ... don't turn this place into a pit like your old bedroom or me and you will be falling out!!"  

"Bay what happened to us?"  I can't help but ask, he frowns  "We used to be best mates until you decided to leg it and not even answer my calls - what did I do?"

"You didn't do anything!"  he hesitates for a moment  "You started dating girls and I ... I was struggling with being gay - besides me and Storm were sneaking around together and we didn't want anyone to know!"  he laughs a little when I ask him why he never told me he is gay.  "If I had told you back then you would probably have run a mile away from my queer ass anyway!  I know what  you straight guys are like!" 

I start laughing as he walks over into the kitchen area to dispose of the feathers that he's still clutching in his hand.  He's so wrong!!  I wouldn't have given a shit if he was gay or not, it wouldn't have made a difference to me!!  How did I never see that he was gay?


I get dressed while Bayleaf takes a shower then sit down at the kitchen table as I watch him pottering around the kitchen making us something to eat. I can't help but notice his body as he's just wearing shorts and how much it has changed since we were kids.  He used to be skinnier than me and now he has muscles where I didn't even think you could get them!  Obviously he must work out a lot as he works at the sports stadium and he has a running machine in his bedroom area. 

I need a distraction so I find myself looking around for a newspaper for a moment,  so used to reading the newspaper and doing the crossword while I eat breakfast.  I suddenly think back to what Dad had said to Coral about winding him up through breakfast - so while I was reading the newspaper what was she doing exactly?  If I hadn't been reading the newspaper would I have seen what they were up to?!

Not seeing a newspaper anywhere I have nothing else to do but go back to watching Bayleaf.  Seeing him without a top on reminds me of last night - running my hand across his chest and that kiss.  My stomach flips over again ... what the hell is wrong with me?!  I'm looking at him like I'm almost starting to fancy him!

He places a plate of waffles in front of me and goes back to tidy up the kitchen before he grabs his own waffles and sits down at the table next to me.  This amuses me, he must be a clean freak, he'd rather let his food go cold than have anything out of place in the kitchen!  I'm already half way though my waffles by the time he sits down. I didn't realize how hungry I actually am until I start eating, not eating anything since breakfast yesterday

We are both eating quietly and I notice him keep giving me side glances occasionally ... I'm wandering if he feels awkward ... I feel like I should say something.

"About last night ..." I think he knows exactly what I'm going to talk about because he cuts me straight off without letting me say anything else.

"It's okay, it's forgotten, we all do stupid things when we are drunk!!"  he laughs suddenly  "I've done it myself ... I was off my head once and I brought a woman home ... never again!!"  I start laughing at the expression of disgust on his face.

"Oh yeah ... she didn't do it for you then?"  he starts laughing

"Oh she did it for me alright ... that was the problem ... I was so plastered I vaguely remember doing it ... it was the next morning when she woke me up mauling me after seconds"  he shudders quite violently  "Just the sight of her naked sprawled all over me and realizing what I'd done made my skin crawl, it seriously messed my head up for weeks!!"  the expressions he's pulling are really making me laugh.  He smiles then his face goes really serious  "Probably exactly the same way you are feeling this morning about kissing me last night!!"

I stop chewing the food in my mouth and stare at him as he carries on eating.  I don't feel like that at all - quite the opposite - Fudge!!  It doesn't bother me in the slightest.  Is there something wrong with me, should I be feeling repulsed about kissing him last night?!  Because I don't!!  He looks up at me and frowns, I smile at him.

"I actually don't feel that way at all ... I enjoyed kissing you last night and I'd do it again!"  he bursts out laughing after he nearly chokes on his waffles.

"Yeah right!!"  he says laughing loudly  "You must still be intoxicated ... you won't be saying that later when you've sobered up and thought about it properly!!"  this really seems to have amused him - he must think that I'm joking with him, but I'm not!  

I just let him carry on laughing while I am trying to work out what is going on in my head.

Bayleaf  keeps glancing at me as he's laughing and his eyes get me again, just like they did last night.  I could quite easily fall into them ... what the hell is wrong with me?  I feel like I'm losing my mind!  I sit staring at him, so he stares back frowning at me - I must be confusing the hell out of him as well as confusing the hell out of myself!

"What did you do to your eyes, are you wearing contacts?"  I ask him.

"No contacts why?"  he now looks really puzzled

"Oh no reason."  he's frowning at me now as I stare into his eyes, we just sit gazing at each other for a moment holding the eye contact. I'm not sure if he can see I'm starting to get lost in his eyes but he looks away suddenly and appears to be uncomfortable.  "You have nice eyes."  I mumble

"Mate you need to sleep a little more I think ... you are being seriously strange!!"  he laughs nervously for a moment  "First you say you enjoyed kissing me now you're going all gooey eyed on me ... I think you are still drunk mate ... cause I doubt you'd be doing this if you was sober!!"  He just stares at me with concern. "Maybe I should phone Mango or Ice, you need to see a doctor, I think they need to give you something to take the edge off you are losing it!!"

"NO!!!!  I am a doctor remember and I don't need to see anyone - especially not Mango!!" 

He stands up suddenly and starts clearing the plates away even though he hasn't finished his waffles. I think I've just put him off his food.  Yeah I guess I am acting strangely!!  I seriously think I'm going insane suddenly because I actually fancy him like hell!!

I stand up as he picks up my plates and he's standing just a little too close to me.  My pulse starts racing, his words still ringing in my head ... he thinks I'm still drunk and wouldn't be doing this if I'm sober.  I am sober!!  Am I losing it?!  I need to do something to put my own mind at rest ... I need to know if it was the alcohol so I can sort my head out.

I snatch the plates off him and throw them on the table.  He almost scowls at me crossly as I grab him and pull him towards me.  I'm kissing him before he gets a chance to react, he only hesitates for a few seconds before he starts kissing me back, not like last night either, almost like its do or die.  If he's trying to scare me to make me see I shouldn't be doing this ... it's not working ... it's having quite the opposite effect.

Hell!!  Drunk or sober it doesn't matter!!  Kissing him now is just like kissing him last night, I'd even go as far as to say today it's even better because of the way he is kissing me!!  

The intensity of the passion in the kiss as our tongues dance together has my whole body tingling with excitement again transports me off into another world and I totally get lost in it.  I am not the only one getting lost, he moans as he pulls me towards him, pressing our body's tightly together so there is now no air left between them.  His hand runs through my hair pushing my head closer and crushing our lips even closer together.  I can feel the sparks flying as he comes at me harder intensifying the kiss even more which is now starting to drive me almost crazy.  

We are both losing it, I can feel what this is doing to him and how hard he's getting as he is pressing himself against my leg, exactly what it's doing to me down below which shocks and excites me at the same time.  All I want to do now is rip his clothes off!  Not that I would even know what to do with another man!!

Suddenly everything stops abruptly much to my annoyance!

"SLATE ... S T O P !!"  he shouts as he pushes me away from him quite forcefully.

"Fudge!! What the hell are you doing??!!"  he shouts while he's still trying to catch his breathe.  I'm not sure who he's actually shouting at me or himself.  "You are FUDGING KILLING me!!"

I just stand there as the world comes back into focus, feeling like a firework fizzling out as the emotions that he's just stirred up are slowly draining away from me leaving me feeling cold and aching for them to come back.  Fudge!!  There is something wrong with me - it wasn't the alcohol - it's him - he's got right under my skin big time - how the hell does that happen?!

"Do that again and I AM phoning Mango ... you've lost the plot ... you are not gay for berry's sake!!  You are going to fuck your head up, you are not thinking straight because you are hurting!!"  he is now starting to get angry and I think he even looks cute when he's angry - I seriously have no hope!  "If you want a rebound go and find yourself a woman!! In fact I'll point you in the direction of one who is always up for it - Strawberry - she's everyone's good time girl, I think there is only you Affair and Tapestry who haven't been there yet!!"   

Bayleaf is getting really angry he's almost shouting at me and I'm pretty shocked by what he's saying about Straw!  It's almost like he's lost his mind for a moment, should he really be telling me this, he knows me and Parsley are good mates!  I wander if she was the woman who he was on about earlier?!

"Chill Bay!!"

"No I won't chill!!  You can not keep kissing me like that Slate!!  Do you know HOW close I just came to doing something really stupid!?  Kiss me again and we'll have to find you somewhere else to stay!!" 

He grabs my arm and pulls me towards the bed, almost like I'm a naughty child.  I think and hope for a moment he's changed his mind and he's going to do something that he just called 'stupid' anyway.  He pushes me roughly down onto the bed.

"NOW SLEEP!! and don't get up again until you are sober and straight!!"  he snaps at me then walks away without looking back.  He walks out of the front door slamming it behind him.  I can see him through the glass in the door crouched down against the wall with his head in his hands probably trying to pull himself together.  He was seriously turned on just like I was.

I can't help but laugh at what he had said.  I know I am definitely sober, but I'm not so sure about the straight part anymore!!  Hell!!  No woman has ever turned me on like that before!!

After a few more hours of sleep I lay on the bed feeling confused as I just watch Bayleaf pottering around the house for ages, neurotically cleaning thing that really don't need cleaning.  Man he is a clean freak!!  I'm watching every movement he's making while I'm trying to work out what is going on in my head.  Wandering what is wrong with me because I know I definitely fancy him.    

He might be right, I probably just am not thinking straight at the moment.  I DON'T fancy men.  The thought of kissing Parsley or Mosaic for example turns my stomach sick.  Men just don't do it for me!!  I've never found any man remotely attractive before - so why is Bayleaf doing this to me and why do I want to kiss him again?

We spent the rest of the day, watching TV, playing video games and chatting about anything and everything except for the kissing.  

Bayleaf refuses to talk about it after his initial outburst.   He thinks I'm losing my marbles because of being an emotional wreck because of what Dad and Coral have done.  It's hard enough dealing with a relationship break up when you are happy with it and didn't even see the split coming - but with my Dad's involvement, he recons its sent me off my rocker!!  He could be right ... only time will tell!!

He thinks I am looking for comfort because of how alone I am feeling right now, but I'm trying to find it in the wrong way.  I'm not gay and keep kissing him is not going to do me any good in the long run, it is going to mess my head up eventually when I do come to my senses.  

I have to swear I won't kiss him again so that I can stay.  I feel comfortable here with him and I know I am really going to struggle to get through this on my own ... I really need my old best mate back right now because I think he is the only other person that I have really been close to in my life.  I think he's probably the only person that can help me get through this.

The second day passed by pretty much like the first one, without the kissing!  We talked a lot and I cried a lot.  I opened up to him a little which I was a little worried about doing.  I've only ever let my guard down with Dad and Coral and look what good that has done me!!  I usually keep everything locked inside but I'm struggling to do that at the moment because I need to let all this hurt, pain and anger out before it drives me crazy.  He showed me how to use the running machine so I could run some of my frustration off.

The morning passed by fairly quickly and I was a little disappointed when he told me he had to go to work at 3pm.  Yesterday he spent the whole day with me because of him having the day off work, so I am not looking forward to having to spend the next seven hours alone.  I haven't even phoned my work, at the moment I don't really care.  Mango did say he would try and sort me some time off when I phoned him straight after I caught them at it in the kitchen, but I haven't spoken to him since so I don't know if he has.

Bayleaf went off to work in the afternoon and left me rattling around his place on my own.   Practically the minute that he closed the front door behind him I started to crawl the walls.  While he is here he is helping me to take my mind off thinking ... he's very distracting ... but now I'm alone it all comes slamming back with vengeance.  

I try to read, watch TV even running but it doesn't help, I can't concentrate on anything, my mind keeps wandering back to Coral and my Dad.

I turn on my phone, it goes crazy for a few minutes, text messages and missed calls flash up on my screen. I laugh for a moment seeing 20 missed calls from Mango, 18 from Parsley, I look down the list and there are just as many from Dad.  What does he even want anyway? - is he trying to rub my nose in it or something?!  I notice there still have been no calls from Coral.  The text messages are the same, I just stare at the list and not one from Coral.  I don't read any of the text or listen to any of the voice mail.  

My phone starts ringing ... Mango.  He's persistent I'll give him that!!  There is nothing he can say to make me feel any better, and there are no excuses that he can make for his precious daughter either!!  I turn the phone off and launch it up the wall in temper and watch it smash into a million pieces.  

I'm angry suddenly thinking she cares so little for me that she can't even phone or text to say sorry or offer me some sort of explanation!!!  Not that it would make any difference it just might make me feel a little better if I knew why exactly they have done this to me.  

How the hell did this happen ... if she had a problem with me or our relationship why didn't she say something?  This just came out of the blue for me!!  All that time we've been together - wasted!  All the plans we've made for the future - wasted!  All the things she's ever said to me - was it all just bullshit?  All the times she told me she loves me - was she lying?  Everything we did in the bedroom - was she just faking it?  

I feel sick thinking about Coral sleeping with both me and my Dad at the same time for the past six weeks - even worse Dad must have known that she was!!  Why would they even do that?  Why didn't she just dump me if she wanted to be with him?  I didn't see any evidence of her getting it from elsewhere - our sex life hadn't changed any, it didn't slow down at all.  

I laugh a little thinking about that very morning before we got up for breakfast - she was the one who woke me up and started it - so why less than two hours later did she have her legs wrapped around my old man?!  I just don't get it!  She must have been getting some sort of kick out of it, that's all that I can think!!  Either that or I just haven't been doing it for her!  Oh Fudge!!

What scares me the most and something that keeps creeping into my head quite often ... did she just use me to get to my Dad?!  Was it him that she wanted all along?  

It's not like she's chasing me down to put thing right is it!!  It was no mistake what they were doing, it's him she wants not me!!  She's made that pretty obvious -three days later and there has been no sight or sound of her - it's obvious that she doesn't give a shit about me!!  Has she ever?  

I pace around the tiny house for ages not knowing what to do with myself, I cant stop thinking and I feel like I'm going totally crazy. 

I think it is my Dad that hurts the most and the part I'm struggling to cope with ... the betrayal, does he realize how much he's hurt me?!  How could he do this to me ... he is supposed to be my Dad and he has stabbed me right in the back.  He may as well have used a real knife because he's taken away the only two things that I cared about in this world and left me with absolutely nothing ... I may as well be faded!!  I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for this!!

It's not like there is ever any going back from this either ... this can never be repaired or erased and I can never look at either of them in the same way again.  Coral and my Dad are now as good as faded to me now!!  I can't have either of them in my life anymore!

I breakdown into a heap on the floor and scream until my throat hurts then sob my heart out until my tears have run dry and I'm exhausted.  I lie there on the floor for what seems like hours just staring blankly at nothing and my head continues to whir with all this madness it just won't stop.  I feel totally drained mentally and physically.  I'm also starting to get a headache probably from all the crying that I've done.

I'm not sure that I can cope with all the pain that I'm feeling, its like a constant heavy ache in my chest and head that won't go away ... I need to block it all out ... I just want it to all go away and stop!!  

I get up off the floor and grab the spare key off the kitchen counter that Bayleaf left for me and ran across the road to the grocery store to buy some vodka.

A short time later I sit on the bed with four bottles of vodka.  I'm not really sure why I've brought four?  I know just one of them drank very quickly is enough to send me on my way, a second bottle should black me out for the rest of the night ... the hang over I'm going to wake up with in the morning I'm really not looking forward too!!

The tears are flowing down my face again and I can hardly see what I'm doing as I twist off the top of the first bottle, which I drink straight off only taking short breaths as I pour the whole bottle down the back of my throat.  I make a start on the second one.

My head is already really swimming from the alcohol and my headache is now really starting to irritate me.  I decide to look for some painkillers, how am I ever going to get plastered when I'm probably getting one of my migraines.  

I am already not thinking straight.  

I stumble towards the kitchen after falling down the small step from the bedroom area then walk straight into the table.  This makes me giggle to myself for a moment because I hadn't seen the table, like I could have missed seeing it - the size of it!  I'm drunk!   

I fumble around in the cupboards and draws, and I find a box of painkillers - well I hope they are painkillers!  I open the box and its full, I pull out a strip and there is just one painkiller missing.  That's when I realize this is a whole box.  I stand and stare at the box for a moment, my vision too blurred to read the writing that is jumping around on the side of the box.  I'm guessing there has to be a hundred painkillers in this box!!

I can MAKE all this pain stop!!

I take the box of painkillers back to the bed and start frantically popping the tablets out of their foil container into a pile on the bed.  I don't stop until I have all the painkillers sat in front of me in a mound.

I stare at them as I start to knock back the second bottle of vodka.  The alcohol is making my mind swim and my vision blur, they are still in my head and the pain is still there stuck in my chest and in my head ... if the vodka doesn't stop the pain the painkillers will.

I open the third bottle and start to take the painkillers two or three at a time at first, then by the handful.  I'm now way past drunk and I can feel myself going, but I really don't care because that's where I want to be.  All I can think is that I need to take these painkillers before I pass out or the pain won't go away and it will keep me awake!!

I fall face down onto the bed when I'm part way down the third bottle and I've swallowed most of the tablets.  I know the painkillers and alcohol are working already as my mind is swimming away and they have gone and so has the pain because all I feel now is fuzzy!  Which is a great relief!  

I'm starting to feel warm and tired as well as sick, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open.  The bottle falls out of my hand and I hear it hit the floor but don't have the strength to do anything about it.

I close my eyes and wait to drift off while I'm listening to a glugging noise, what's left of the vodka is pouring out onto the floor.

I lie their thinking ... what a waste!

 Song = I am Only One ~ We Are The Fallen