I am Only One ...
I'm a little surprised by the place where Bayleaf lives. I've passed by this house so many times but have never taken any notice of it, never really knowing anyone who's lived here.
It's very small, but it's quite cosy and really nice. It's completely all open plan except for the bathroom. The bedroom, kitchen and living room all occupy the same space, there is definitely nowhere to hide in this place.
I guess this is the kind of place that I should find for myself ... I can see me being single for a very long time ... I doubt I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again ... if I can't trust my own Dad who can I trust?!
I laugh to myself thinking, of course Bayleaf's home would be immaculate. There is not a thing out of place or a spec of dust anywhere, quite the opposite of how you would expect a bachelor pad to be. I remember how he always used to keep his bedroom when we were kids, he's a very finicky perfectionist or a clean freak I'm really not sure which.
He used to go ballistic at me for dropping so much as a sweet wrapper or creasing his bed clothes. He refused to even enter my bedroom, saying he'd break his neck or catch something in there. I guess I should have known back then that Bayleaf was showing signs of being gay!! He was always a right girl!!
My room was always a mess and upside down, the carpet rarely saw the light of day, always covered in clothes, books, toys, magazines, everything lived on the floor. My Dad always too busy to clean it up with work and trying to bring me up on his own. He gave up trying to keep my room tidy, because after wasting hours of his spare time in there tidying it, it used to take me literally half of that time to mess it straight back up again. Back in the day when I was happy!!
My room has only ever been tidy since Coral moved into it! I have to stop myself!! I really don't need to be thinking about these things right now or it is just going to make me feel even worse!! Reminding me of what I've lost ... my Dad!!
Bayleaf asks me if I'm hungry and even though I haven't eaten anything since breakfast I tell him I'm not. Not sure I could even face food right now. He throws himself on the double bed and flicks on the TV, changes it to a music channel and turns the volume down a little. He reaches under his bed and pulls out a few bottles and hands one to me.
"As you can see this place is a little cramped, so if you want to watch TV, I'm afraid the bed is the place." he pats the bed and laughs "Don't worry I'm not going to pounce on you!!"
I find it strange that he's always trying to reassure me not to worry because he's gay. I wander if some of the other guys have been giving him a hard time, he did say some of them are now nervous of him. I'm not really sure I understand that! I throw myself onto the bed next to him, we lie there drinking chatting and watching the TV.
"So come on truthfully, and DON'T say Storm, if you could have any man in Sugar Valley who would it be?" he smirks at me
"Don't think you can catch me out that easily because I am NOT going to tell you who he is!!" I start laughing at him ... I've been busted, I'm dying to find out who he is in love with! I can't even imagine who it might be. "Okay, forget him ... who else do you fancy?"
"Mulberry is pretty fit." I start laughing at him again
"Do you have a thing for the purple branch of the Orchids? Storm - Mulberry - next you'll be telling me you fancy Prelude!!"
"Oh no ... definitely not!! that guy scares the shit out of me!! Besides HE is my age and that's all I'm going to tell you!" he laughs at me "Anyway you can talk didn't you have a thing for Juniper at one time ... seems like you went for the wrong purple cousin." he smiles at me.
"Tell me about it!! ... although Juniper is a little out of my league I think!! besides she's dating Maize isn't she."
"Don't talk shit!! How is she out of your league?! ... yeah she is with Maize now." he smirks at me "So come on it's your turn ... if you could have any woman in Sugar Valley who would it be?"
"No contest ... definitely Fudge ... Mosaic is one lucky berry hole, I still don't know how he managed to pull her! ... Man she has a face and body to fade for and those legs!!!"
Suddenly Bayleaf starts roaring with laughter so I sit up and look at him as he's rolling around in hysterics, I don't understand why at first ... then the penny drops.
"Oh Fudge!! I'm Sorry Bay, I forgot for a moment she is your sister!! That is just how distracting she is!!" I smirk at him even though I am a little embarrassed. I'm glad he's finding it amusing. "Your mother is not bad either!!"
He grabs a pillow and starts beating me with it while he's still laughing telling me to keep my beady eyes off his Mother. I grab the other pillow and start beating him back. We end up having a pillow fight. We dive off the bed and are beating each other with pillows for quite a while constantly in hysterics. I can't help but laugh when he laughs. He's one of those people with an infection personality, he's always smiling and it's catching, you can't help but smile and laugh with him.
I actually found I have temporarily forgotten my problems for a while and I'm enjoying myself. I hit him across the back pretty hard and the pillow splits, the feathers inside all burst out in a huge cloud which flies up into the air and I'm left holding just the empty pillow case. Bayleaf takes one look at the pillow case dangling in my hand and cracks up completely.
"Oops!! Bay I think I owe you a pillow!!"
We both fall back onto the bed having hysterics, while feathers are raining down on us. Bayleaf's head is not too far from mine, and something about the way he is lay there laughing makes me wander what it would be like to kiss him ... I suddenly have this really over powering urge of wanting to kiss him as I stop laughing and just lie there watching him.
"Bay ..." he turns his head to look at me and his laughter dies away slowly until he's just lying there staring back at me, his green eyes are almost dancing in the dim light and they get me, he smiles at me ... and that does it.
I shorten the distance between us quickly and without even thinking about it I've rolled over him and am pressing my lips down onto his. I see his eyes widen, his mouth doesn't move almost like he's frozen in shock ... he would never have expected it ... I don't even know where this has come from!! He moves his hands towards me like he's about to push me away so I pin then down on the bed to stop him. He lays there frozen so I run my tongue gently across his bottom lip and his lips part, I start to kiss him and he responds by kissing me back.
I close my eyes and become completely lost in the kiss. I don't care that I'm kissing another man because it just feels so good, better than any kiss I can remember sharing with Coral, and I really don't want it to stop. The pace of our mouths moving together quickens as I lose my grip on his hands and let my own start to wander. I feel his hand run through my hair, my whole body starts tingling with excitement as I let my hand starts wandering up and under his top and across his bare chest.
"SLATE STOP!!" he says suddenly breaking the kiss and pushing me away from him "You don't want this!!" he says breathlessly.
"I do!!" I mumble as I try to kiss him again annoyed that he's stopped.
He tries not to let me kiss him again. He holds me away from him for a moment as he stares up at me, our eyes lock which I think gets him for a moment as he relaxes his grip on me I try to kiss him again. He shouts "No!!" then throws me over onto my back, he moves quickly and now I am the one pinned to the bed by my arms as he hovers over me. I just stare up at him.
"You are not gay ... you are very drunk ... you are hurting ... you will hate this when you are sober ... and you'll definitely hate me and yourself in the morning!! Trust me Slate we have to stop now!!"
Bayleaf releases his grip on my arms and moves off the bed to get away from me. He stands staring at me as he runs his hand through his hair and bites his lip.
"As much as I want too, I can't let you do it!!" he says as he goes to walk into the bathroom, he stops by the door momentarily "You can take the bed, I'll sleep on the couch tonight." he says without looking at me before he closes the door behind him quietly.
I roll over onto my stomach and cover my head with the pillow while I wait for my body to cool down. Hell, I'm now confused, what just happened?! Where did that come from?
Coral and Dad slam back into my head which takes my mind away from what just happened with Bayleaf and I cry myself out before I eventually crawl into the bed exhausted and fall to sleep.
My swollen and heavy tired eyes follow Bayleaf as he moves quietly around the room tidying up the mess that we made last night. He hasn't noticed I'm awake as he crawls around on his hands and knees trying to pick up the feathers that are scattered all around the room.
I hear him quietly swearing under his breath. I wander for a moment if he might be regretting offering me a place to crash. If he wasn't last night he might be this morning after I tried to pounce on him, then I took over his bed while he was relegated to the couch.
I am not sure that Bayleaf had slept any better than I had last night. I heard him tossing and turning for hours after he turned the lights out completely, and I swear at one point I even heard him crying! I'm not sure if it was the couch being uncomfortable that had kept him awake, me crying, even though I tried to be as quiet as I could, or if I'd rattled him kissing him like I had. His restlessness might not even have had anything to do with me for all I know ... but I'm guessing it did.
What was I even thinking ... I'm not gay ... but that kiss, my stomach flips over now just thinking about it. I'm wandering if it was the alcohol that fueled the excitement running through me last night? I wander if I kiss him this morning if it will feel totally different? Just where is my head at?! Why am I even thinking about kissing him again, he's a guy for berry's sake!!
Bayleaf must have heard me moving, I see him glance up at me from where he's crouched at the bottom of the bed and he smiles at me. I can't help thinking he has a nice smile, he has actually got quite a cute face for a guy ... how have I never noticed that before!
He stands up as I'm rubbing my eyes which feel really puffy and sore. I'm surprised that I don't really have too much of a hangover this morning, or is it afternoon?
"Sleeping beauty wakes!!" he stands by the bed smiling at me again. "I see you haven't changed any you untidy git - your clothes are all over the floor you scruff!!" he laughs suddenly - I bet he's remembering my untidy bedroom.
"I'm sorry!! I didn't know where else to put them." he laughs at me again and points towards the washing basket. I guess I've been told! I ask him what time it is because I can't see a clock anywhere.
"It's past midday ... I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you ... I thought you might sleep all day you didn't sleep too well last night did you."
"Bay, I didn't mean to evict you from your bed!!" he smiles at me and says it wasn't a problem, I really hope he means that and isn't just staying it!! "You didn't sleep too well either did you, I heard you tossing and turning for hours."
He explains it wasn't the couch, that its quite normal, he's never really been a very good sleeper. The only time he really sleeps well is when he comes home from work totally knackered after a game, so it's generally only once a week that he sleeps well. He thinks I might get annoyed with his tossing and turning after a while, but I laugh at him and tell him I'm a heavy sleeper, normally when my head hits the pillow I'm out and there could be an earthquake and I'd never notice.
This makes me think suddenly! I wander if Coral and Dad have been creeping about in the middle of the night while I've been fast asleep - having it away while I've been snoring - they both know I'm a heavy sleeper and they could have done anything and I never would have known!!
Bayleaf is watching me with a strange expression on his face that I can't really read ... I wander if I've peed him off by invading his space and being my normal untidy self. I feel totally lost at the moment and really need my old best mate back right now, the last thing I want to do is upset him so that we end up falling out again - not that I even understand why he just totally distanced himself away from me in the first place!
"Maybe I need to get out of your hair ... I should check into the motel and go house hunting."
"Don't be silly!! You can stay here for as long as you want! Is it such a good idea you being on your own at the moment? and I've told you I'll be glad of the company - even yours!!" he grins at me.
He tells me that he's used to living in a busy mad house, whereas this place is like a morgue. His Dad can be pretty hard to cope with at times and there is always a constant stream of people around to help Mom cope with him, the Orchids, Shines and district nurses mainly. His family home is like an open house and is constantly busy just like the Orchid house because of Lilly, so living here alone has been quite a shock to his system.
"Just one thing I will say Slate, I can see you are still an untidy git ... don't turn this place into a pit like your old bedroom or me and you will be falling out!!"
"Bay what happened to us?" I can't help but ask, he frowns "We used to be best mates until you decided to leg it and not even answer my calls - what did I do?"
"You didn't do anything!" he hesitates for a moment "You started dating girls and I ... I was struggling with being gay - besides me and Storm were sneaking around together and we didn't want anyone to know!" he laughs a little when I ask him why he never told me he is gay. "If I had told you back then you would probably have run a mile away from my queer ass anyway! I know what you straight guys are like!"
I start laughing as he walks over into the kitchen area to dispose of the feathers that he's still clutching in his hand. He's so wrong!! I wouldn't have given a shit if he was gay or not, it wouldn't have made a difference to me!! How did I never see that he was gay?
I get dressed while Bayleaf takes a shower then sit down at the kitchen table as I watch him pottering around the kitchen making us something to eat. I can't help but notice his body as he's just wearing shorts and how much it has changed since we were kids. He used to be skinnier than me and now he has muscles where I didn't even think you could get them! Obviously he must work out a lot as he works at the sports stadium and he has a running machine in his bedroom area.
I need a distraction so I find myself looking around for a newspaper for a moment, so used to reading the newspaper and doing the crossword while I eat breakfast. I suddenly think back to what Dad had said to Coral about winding him up through breakfast - so while I was reading the newspaper what was she doing exactly? If I hadn't been reading the newspaper would I have seen what they were up to?!
Not seeing a newspaper anywhere I have nothing else to do but go back to watching Bayleaf. Seeing him without a top on reminds me of last night - running my hand across his chest and that kiss. My stomach flips over again ... what the hell is wrong with me?! I'm looking at him like I'm almost starting to fancy him!
He places a plate of waffles in front of me and goes back to tidy up the kitchen before he grabs his own waffles and sits down at the table next to me. This amuses me, he must be a clean freak, he'd rather let his food go cold than have anything out of place in the kitchen! I'm already half way though my waffles by the time he sits down. I didn't realize how hungry I actually am until I start eating, not eating anything since breakfast yesterday.
We are both eating quietly and I notice him keep giving me side glances occasionally ... I'm wandering if he feels awkward ... I feel like I should say something.
"About last night ..." I think he knows exactly what I'm going to talk about because he cuts me straight off without letting me say anything else.
"It's okay, it's forgotten, we all do stupid things when we are drunk!!" he laughs suddenly "I've done it myself ... I was off my head once and I brought a woman home ... never again!!" I start laughing at the expression of disgust on his face.
"Oh yeah ... she didn't do it for you then?" he starts laughing
"Oh she did it for me alright ... that was the problem ... I was so plastered I vaguely remember doing it ... it was the next morning when she woke me up mauling me after seconds" he shudders quite violently "Just the sight of her naked sprawled all over me and realizing what I'd done made my skin crawl, it seriously messed my head up for weeks!!" the expressions he's pulling are really making me laugh. He smiles then his face goes really serious "Probably exactly the same way you are feeling this morning about kissing me last night!!"
I stop chewing the food in my mouth and stare at him as he carries on eating. I don't feel like that at all - quite the opposite - Fudge!! It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Is there something wrong with me, should I be feeling repulsed about kissing him last night?! Because I don't!! He looks up at me and frowns, I smile at him.
"I actually don't feel that way at all ... I enjoyed kissing you last night and I'd do it again!" he bursts out laughing after he nearly chokes on his waffles.
"Yeah right!!" he says laughing loudly "You must still be intoxicated ... you won't be saying that later when you've sobered up and thought about it properly!!" this really seems to have amused him - he must think that I'm joking with him, but I'm not!
I just let him carry on laughing while I am trying to work out what is going on in my head.
Bayleaf keeps glancing at me as he's laughing and his eyes get me again, just like they did last night. I could quite easily fall into them ... what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm losing my mind! I sit staring at him, so he stares back frowning at me - I must be confusing the hell out of him as well as confusing the hell out of myself!
"What did you do to your eyes, are you wearing contacts?" I ask him.
"No contacts why?" he now looks really puzzled
"Oh no reason." he's frowning at me now as I stare into his eyes, we just sit gazing at each other for a moment holding the eye contact. I'm not sure if he can see I'm starting to get lost in his eyes but he looks away suddenly and appears to be uncomfortable. "You have nice eyes." I mumble
"Mate you need to sleep a little more I think ... you are being seriously strange!!" he laughs nervously for a moment "First you say you enjoyed kissing me now you're going all gooey eyed on me ... I think you are still drunk mate ... cause I doubt you'd be doing this if you was sober!!" He just stares at me with concern. "Maybe I should phone Mango or Ice, you need to see a doctor, I think they need to give you something to take the edge off you are losing it!!"
"NO!!!! I am a doctor remember and I don't need to see anyone - especially not Mango!!"
He stands up suddenly and starts clearing the plates away even though he hasn't finished his waffles. I think I've just put him off his food. Yeah I guess I am acting strangely!! I seriously think I'm going insane suddenly because I actually fancy him like hell!!
I stand up as he picks up my plates and he's standing just a little too close to me. My pulse starts racing, his words still ringing in my head ... he thinks I'm still drunk and wouldn't be doing this if I'm sober. I am sober!! Am I losing it?! I need to do something to put my own mind at rest ... I need to know if it was the alcohol so I can sort my head out.
I snatch the plates off him and throw them on the table. He almost scowls at me crossly as I grab him and pull him towards me. I'm kissing him before he gets a chance to react, he only hesitates for a few seconds before he starts kissing me back, not like last night either, almost like its do or die. If he's trying to scare me to make me see I shouldn't be doing this ... it's not working ... it's having quite the opposite effect.
Hell!! Drunk or sober it doesn't matter!! Kissing him now is just like kissing him last night, I'd even go as far as to say today it's even better because of the way he is kissing me!!
The intensity of the passion in the kiss as our tongues dance together has my whole body tingling with excitement again transports me off into another world and I totally get lost in it. I am not the only one getting lost, he moans as he pulls me towards him, pressing our body's tightly together so there is now no air left between them. His hand runs through my hair pushing my head closer and crushing our lips even closer together. I can feel the sparks flying as he comes at me harder intensifying the kiss even more which is now starting to drive me almost crazy.
We are both losing it, I can feel what this is doing to him and how hard he's getting as he is pressing himself against my leg, exactly what it's doing to me down below which shocks and excites me at the same time. All I want to do now is rip his clothes off! Not that I would even know what to do with another man!!
Suddenly everything stops abruptly much to my annoyance!
"SLATE ... S T O P !!" he shouts as he pushes me away from him quite forcefully.
"Fudge!! What the hell are you doing??!!" he shouts while he's still trying to catch his breathe. I'm not sure who he's actually shouting at me or himself. "You are FUDGING KILLING me!!"
I just stand there as the world comes back into focus, feeling like a firework fizzling out as the emotions that he's just stirred up are slowly draining away from me leaving me feeling cold and aching for them to come back. Fudge!! There is something wrong with me - it wasn't the alcohol - it's him - he's got right under my skin big time - how the hell does that happen?!
"Do that again and I AM phoning Mango ... you've lost the plot ... you are not gay for berry's sake!! You are going to fuck your head up, you are not thinking straight because you are hurting!!" he is now starting to get angry and I think he even looks cute when he's angry - I seriously have no hope! "If you want a rebound go and find yourself a woman!! In fact I'll point you in the direction of one who is always up for it - Strawberry - she's everyone's good time girl, I think there is only you Affair and Tapestry who haven't been there yet!!"
Bayleaf is getting really angry he's almost shouting at me and I'm pretty shocked by what he's saying about Straw! It's almost like he's lost his mind for a moment, should he really be telling me this, he knows me and Parsley are good mates! I wander if she was the woman who he was on about earlier?!
"No I won't chill!! You can not keep kissing me like that Slate!! Do you know HOW close I just came to doing something really stupid!? Kiss me again and we'll have to find you somewhere else to stay!!"
He grabs my arm and pulls me towards the bed, almost like I'm a naughty child. I think and hope for a moment he's changed his mind and he's going to do something that he just called 'stupid' anyway. He pushes me roughly down onto the bed.
"NOW SLEEP!! and don't get up again until you are sober and straight!!" he snaps at me then walks away without looking back. He walks out of the front door slamming it behind him. I can see him through the glass in the door crouched down against the wall with his head in his hands probably trying to pull himself together. He was seriously turned on just like I was.
I can't help but laugh at what he had said. I know I am definitely sober, but I'm not so sure about the straight part anymore!! Hell!! No woman has ever turned me on like that before!!
After a few more hours of sleep I lay on the bed feeling confused as I just watch Bayleaf pottering around the house for ages, neurotically cleaning thing that really don't need cleaning. Man he is a clean freak!! I'm watching every movement he's making while I'm trying to work out what is going on in my head. Wandering what is wrong with me because I know I definitely fancy him.
He might be right, I probably just am not thinking straight at the moment. I DON'T fancy men. The thought of kissing Parsley or Mosaic for example turns my stomach sick. Men just don't do it for me!! I've never found any man remotely attractive before - so why is Bayleaf doing this to me and why do I want to kiss him again?
We spent the rest of the day, watching TV, playing video games and chatting about anything and everything except for the kissing.
Bayleaf refuses to talk about it after his initial outburst. He thinks I'm losing my marbles because of being an emotional wreck because of what Dad and Coral have done. It's hard enough dealing with a relationship break up when you are happy with it and didn't even see the split coming - but with my Dad's involvement, he recons its sent me off my rocker!! He could be right ... only time will tell!!
He thinks I am looking for comfort because of how alone I am feeling right now, but I'm trying to find it in the wrong way. I'm not gay and keep kissing him is not going to do me any good in the long run, it is going to mess my head up eventually when I do come to my senses.
I have to swear I won't kiss him again so that I can stay. I feel comfortable here with him and I know I am really going to struggle to get through this on my own ... I really need my old best mate back right now because I think he is the only other person that I have really been close to in my life. I think he's probably the only person that can help me get through this.
The second day passed by pretty much like the first one, without the kissing! We talked a lot and I cried a lot. I opened up to him a little which I was a little worried about doing. I've only ever let my guard down with Dad and Coral and look what good that has done me!! I usually keep everything locked inside but I'm struggling to do that at the moment because I need to let all this hurt, pain and anger out before it drives me crazy. He showed me how to use the running machine so I could run some of my frustration off.
The morning passed by fairly quickly and I was a little disappointed when he told me he had to go to work at 3pm. Yesterday he spent the whole day with me because of him having the day off work, so I am not looking forward to having to spend the next seven hours alone. I haven't even phoned my work, at the moment I don't really care. Mango did say he would try and sort me some time off when I phoned him straight after I caught them at it in the kitchen, but I haven't spoken to him since so I don't know if he has.
Bayleaf went off to work in the afternoon and left me rattling around his place on my own. Practically the minute that he closed the front door behind him I started to crawl the walls. While he is here he is helping me to take my mind off thinking ... he's very distracting ... but now I'm alone it all comes slamming back with vengeance.
I try to read, watch TV even running but it doesn't help, I can't concentrate on anything, my mind keeps wandering back to Coral and my Dad.
I turn on my phone, it goes crazy for a few minutes, text messages and missed calls flash up on my screen. I laugh for a moment seeing 20 missed calls from Mango, 18 from Parsley, I look down the list and there are just as many from Dad. What does he even want anyway? - is he trying to rub my nose in it or something?! I notice there still have been no calls from Coral. The text messages are the same, I just stare at the list and not one from Coral. I don't read any of the text or listen to any of the voice mail.
My phone starts ringing ... Mango. He's persistent I'll give him that!! There is nothing he can say to make me feel any better, and there are no excuses that he can make for his precious daughter either!! I turn the phone off and launch it up the wall in temper and watch it smash into a million pieces.
I'm angry suddenly thinking she cares so little for me that she can't even phone or text to say sorry or offer me some sort of explanation!!! Not that it would make any difference it just might make me feel a little better if I knew why exactly they have done this to me.
How the hell did this happen ... if she had a problem with me or our relationship why didn't she say something? This just came out of the blue for me!! All that time we've been together - wasted! All the plans we've made for the future - wasted! All the things she's ever said to me - was it all just bullshit? All the times she told me she loves me - was she lying? Everything we did in the bedroom - was she just faking it?
I feel sick thinking about Coral sleeping with both me and my Dad at the same time for the past six weeks - even worse Dad must have known that she was!! Why would they even do that? Why didn't she just dump me if she wanted to be with him? I didn't see any evidence of her getting it from elsewhere - our sex life hadn't changed any, it didn't slow down at all.
I laugh a little thinking about that very morning before we got up for breakfast - she was the one who woke me up and started it - so why less than two hours later did she have her legs wrapped around my old man?! I just don't get it! She must have been getting some sort of kick out of it, that's all that I can think!! Either that or I just haven't been doing it for her! Oh Fudge!!
What scares me the most and something that keeps creeping into my head quite often ... did she just use me to get to my Dad?! Was it him that she wanted all along?
It's not like she's chasing me down to put thing right is it!! It was no mistake what they were doing, it's him she wants not me!! She's made that pretty obvious -three days later and there has been no sight or sound of her - it's obvious that she doesn't give a shit about me!! Has she ever?
I pace around the tiny house for ages not knowing what to do with myself, I cant stop thinking and I feel like I'm going totally crazy.
I think it is my Dad that hurts the most and the part I'm struggling to cope with ... the betrayal, does he realize how much he's hurt me?! How could he do this to me ... he is supposed to be my Dad and he has stabbed me right in the back. He may as well have used a real knife because he's taken away the only two things that I cared about in this world and left me with absolutely nothing ... I may as well be faded!! I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for this!!
It's not like there is ever any going back from this either ... this can never be repaired or erased and I can never look at either of them in the same way again. Coral and my Dad are now as good as faded to me now!! I can't have either of them in my life anymore!
I breakdown into a heap on the floor and scream until my throat hurts then sob my heart out until my tears have run dry and I'm exhausted. I lie there on the floor for what seems like hours just staring blankly at nothing and my head continues to whir with all this madness it just won't stop. I feel totally drained mentally and physically. I'm also starting to get a headache probably from all the crying that I've done.
I'm not sure that I can cope with all the pain that I'm feeling, its like a constant heavy ache in my chest and head that won't go away ... I need to block it all out ... I just want it to all go away and stop!!
I get up off the floor and grab the spare key off the kitchen counter that Bayleaf left for me and ran across the road to the grocery store to buy some vodka.
A short time later I sit on the bed with four bottles of vodka. I'm not really sure why I've brought four? I know just one of them drank very quickly is enough to send me on my way, a second bottle should black me out for the rest of the night ... the hang over I'm going to wake up with in the morning I'm really not looking forward too!!
The tears are flowing down my face again and I can hardly see what I'm doing as I twist off the top of the first bottle, which I drink straight off only taking short breaths as I pour the whole bottle down the back of my throat. I make a start on the second one.
My head is already really swimming from the alcohol and my headache is now really starting to irritate me. I decide to look for some painkillers, how am I ever going to get plastered when I'm probably getting one of my migraines.
I am already not thinking straight.
I stumble towards the kitchen after falling down the small step from the bedroom area then walk straight into the table. This makes me giggle to myself for a moment because I hadn't seen the table, like I could have missed seeing it - the size of it! I'm drunk!
I fumble around in the cupboards and draws, and I find a box of painkillers - well I hope they are painkillers! I open the box and its full, I pull out a strip and there is just one painkiller missing. That's when I realize this is a whole box. I stand and stare at the box for a moment, my vision too blurred to read the writing that is jumping around on the side of the box. I'm guessing there has to be a hundred painkillers in this box!!
I can MAKE all this pain stop!!
I take the box of painkillers back to the bed and start frantically popping the tablets out of their foil container into a pile on the bed. I don't stop until I have all the painkillers sat in front of me in a mound.
I stare at them as I start to knock back the second bottle of vodka. The alcohol is making my mind swim and my vision blur, they are still in my head and the pain is still there stuck in my chest and in my head ... if the vodka doesn't stop the pain the painkillers will.
I open the third bottle and start to take the painkillers two or three at a time at first, then by the handful. I'm now way past drunk and I can feel myself going, but I really don't care because that's where I want to be. All I can think is that I need to take these painkillers before I pass out or the pain won't go away and it will keep me awake!!
I fall face down onto the bed when I'm part way down the third bottle and I've swallowed most of the tablets. I know the painkillers and alcohol are working already as my mind is swimming away and they have gone and so has the pain because all I feel now is fuzzy! Which is a great relief!
I'm starting to feel warm and tired as well as sick, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. The bottle falls out of my hand and I hear it hit the floor but don't have the strength to do anything about it.
I close my eyes and wait to drift off while I'm listening to a glugging noise, what's left of the vodka is pouring out onto the floor.
I lie their thinking ... what a waste!
Song = I am Only One ~ We Are The Fallen