Rock 25

Photograph ...


After I have slipped quietly out of the back door, I run across the garden and jump over the wall into the alley way that runs along the back wall of Gravel's garden.  I take off down the alley way which I always used to use as a shortcut between my house and Gravel's in the past. 

I stand frozen on the pavement at the end of the alley way, just staring at my old home, which I use to share with Forrest, feeling really sick just seeing the place again.  

I have seriously gone out of my way, so far, to avoid laying eyes on this house again.  I tell all of the taxi drivers to take the long way round, to and from the hospital, just so that I can avoid seeing this place, and both Cinnamon and Mango know to avoid this street when they are driving me around, because I have asked them too.

  

I stare at our house and do not see any lights on, the house is in total darkness, which I would expect because I know Forrest is not here.  If Forrest was in the landing light would be on.  I panic suddenly, I do not even know if Forrest still lives in this house!!!  It is not something that I have asked or has come up in conversation.  I just presumed that he still lives here, he could have moved for all I know!!  Hell!!  The house is still painted in his shade of green and the windows and door are still painted brown, so at least that is one good sign that he might still be living here.

I realize I have not even given a thought to how I am going to get in either.  My days of breaking and entering are long behind me and I really don't want to go down that road again!!  Not that I can get done for breaking into my own house.  That is providing, Forrest still lives here and my name is still on the deeds.  

I suddenly think about the front door key that is hanging on a chain around my neck, along with my engagement ring.  It is not likely that this key is still going to work, after all these years, but I decide to try it anyway.  As I pull the chain out from under my clothes, I laugh at myself because I think I am both totally stupid and wasting my time.  I hope Forrest still hides the backdoor key in the same place, if not, I am stuffed!!

I am totally shocked and amazed!!  The key does actually turn in the lock and the front door opens!!  HOW in over twenty years have the locks never been changed!!  Although Forrest always did tend to use the backdoor more than the front door, but this this is pretty ridiculous!!

I walk in quickly and shut the door behind me.  I stand numbly staring, after I have flicked on the light switch, as I look around the living room that is far removed from what I remember.   It is still decorated in brown and green but nothing looks the same, not even the furniture is in the right place, and it does not smell like my home.  I suddenly feel very out of place because I don't recognize this house at all, but then I guess I wouldn't, twenty years later it is not going to be the same is it!!  Every single piece of furniture in this room looks like it has been changed.  I am still not even sure if Forrest still lives here.

I run up the stairs.  The house is in total darkness so I am flicking on all the light switches as I go looking for something that I recognize.  I find it mad that I still remember where all the light switches are, even in the dark, without having to feel around for them.  I flick on the light switch at the top of the stairs and just stand looking around.  The landing is totally different again, then I spot something that tells me Forrest still lives here.  One of our wedding photographs is hung on the wall at the top of the stairs, exactly where it was over twenty years ago.  I stand staring at it for a moment and noticing it is now in a different frame, I think!

I automatically just barge my way into our old bedroom hoping he still keeps all of the photographs in the same place, but it is highly doubtful.  I am expecting our bedroom to have been completely changed as well, like everything else that I have seen so far.  

I was wrong!!  I freeze, I actually feel my heart skip a beat once I am inside the room and my brain registers what my eyes are seeing.  I just stand there staring in total shock.  I feel like I have just walked straight into a time warp ... the last 20 years have suddenly rolled away and disappeared because absolutely nothing in this room has changed.  I feel like I have just risen from my bed and dreamed up the last twenty years of my life in one night?!  As my head is so shot, I glance at my face in the mirror, to check that my face is actually twenty years older than it was the last time I looked in that mirror, and it is.

Everything is exactly like how I remember it.  The wallpaper, the covers on the bed, the curtains, the rug on the floor and the pictures on the wall, every piece of the furniture.  It looks like not a single thing has changed and I can not see anything new or different.  Hell this wallpaper is disgusting ... did we really like this?!  This room looks really out dated now and notice parts of the wallpaper are even starting to peel off and curl up with age.

I walk over to the dresser when I spot something out of place.   A photo frame is lay flat, sat on the side, something that I don't remember from 20 years ago.  I pick it up and look at it.  That is when I spot the dust and notice how musty it actually smells in here and how cold and unlived in this room feels.  I have to wipe some of the dust off the glass, just so that I can see the picture underneath it.  It is a photograph of me and Forrest again, that used to be hanging on the wall down in the living room when I lived here.  

I run my finger across the top of the dresser and it is quite thick with dust, which is very unlike Forrest, who is a mega clean freak.  He used to constantly be moaning at me because of the mess that I used to make, he used to say I was like a hurricane crashing through the place leaving a trail of destruction behind me.   He can not use this room anymore or even come into it by the looks of how thick the dust is.

I am curious and walk over to the wardrobe and open the door.  All of my old clothes are still hanging in my half of the wardrobe, exactly how they were when I left.  I stare down and laugh at my old shoes that went out of fashion 20 years ago.  Forrest's half of the wardrobe is completely empty, I can not see a single thing left in the wardrobe of his.  

I start to have a panic attack and slam the door shut wandering where all his clothes are, wandering if he hasn't walked out and left just like I did and plans to never come back.  What if finding out about Mace has made him leave for good!?  What if he never comes back?!   Then the musty smell in the room hits my nose again, and reminds me that this room has not been used for a long time and he has only been gone for a short time.  I try to calm myself down telling myself that he has probably moved himself into one of the other bedrooms, not wanting the reminder of us in that room. 

I don't know how he has continued to live here, it must have been pretty hard for him.  I struggled being away from him only having a photograph as a reminder.  If the tables had been turned and he was the one who had left instead of me, I would not have been able to have continued living in this house.  Even now, just looking around this room, I can see and feel him in here.  If I had been the one left behind, it would have driven me half crazy because everywhere I look there is a constant reminder of him somewhere.  The reminders of him are not only in this house, they are all around town too, which I have been noticing a lot since my return to Sugar Valley.

I run out of the room in a blind panic.  I open one of the other bedroom doors, but quickly slam it shut.  That room used to be the junk room, but it has been tidied up and now looks like a nice spare bedroom, but it doesn't look lived in at all.  I open the other bedroom door and laugh with relief and amusement, because this room is decorated in blue and I know straight away this is Forrest's room, and he has decorated in this colour out of defiance.  The room looks lived in, there is a dressing gown thrown untidily on the bed, and a book is lay on the bedside table open and pages face down, which is something that Forrest used to do, rather than use a book mark.  I was always moaning at him for breaking the book spines.  I automatically walk over to the book and close it while I giggle to myself, he used to hate me doing that.   The room also has a strong scent, probably the aftershave that Forrest wears now, but it is a smell that I do not recognize.  I open the wardrobe door and see clothes and shoes all in green, and blue, the relief washes over me again because there are still signs of him being here and that he plans to return.  

I have to get out of his room quickly before his belongings start to get to me, and I make my way back to our old room.  I need to get the photographs that I came for and run, being so close to him but still so far away is killing me!!

I open the middle draw in the dresser next to the wardrobe and laugh at all the neatly stacked photo albums still where he kept them twenty years ago.  I know the draw underneath this one will also be full of albums and photographs.  

I pull a handful of albums out and drop them down onto the floor so that I can open them to see what they are.  I laugh at the first one that I open it's Spots album.  I throw it to one side and open another.  Random photographs, I try not to look at them too closely because I do not want to upset myself.  I just focus on the colour orange until I have spotted a few good photographs of Amber and pull them out, putting them into the pocket in my cardigan.  I go to put the albums back into the draw, I have got what I came for and don't want to see anything that is going to set me off.

As I go to put the albums back in the draw I freeze when I spot an album sitting in the draw that has Slate's name written neatly across the front of it in Forrest's hand writing.  I put the albums that I am holding back on the floor.  Curiosity gets the better of me and I pull the album out with Slates name on it and open it.  

I laugh as I flick through the album and it is full of photographs.  I might have known, Forrest has taken tonnes of photographs all through out Slates life. 

I sit down on the floor, opening the front cover of the album and start from the beginning.  I am amused that Forrest has written on the inside cover Slates full name and date of birth and even the time he was born and how much he weighed.  The first page of the album is pretty amusing, there is a tiny baby hospital wristband, a chunk of orange hair held together with a neat bow and a baby tooth.  Forrest!!  I sit laughing for a moment.

I start looking through the album at all the photographs of Slate as a baby, slowly.  Slate is mostly alone on the photographs, there are a few photographs of Meadow and Forrest holding him, but other than that nobody.  

There is not a single photograph of Gravel with him as a baby, or Mammy and Paps, which I find very very strange.   

These photographs remind me of Spots albums and the way that Forrest used to sit watching the dog and take photographs of him every time he moved.  I laugh at the collection of photographs of Slate as a baby, because they are all pretty much the same.  In most of the photographs Slate is lay in his cot, on the bed, on the floor, on the couch, on an activity mat, but in each photograph he is wearing a different brown and orange outfit.  It almost looks like Forrest was photographing his clothes rather than the baby himself.

I become totally distracted and engrossed in the photographs of Slate.

The baby pictures of Slate come to an end and I move onto his toddler photographs, which become a lot more interesting.  I slowly browse through them all carefully, and see him up to all sorts of antics.  Slate looks like he might have been a mischievous little monkey, with his cheeky grin and some of the things that Forrest has taken photographs of him doing.  

Quite a few of the pictures look like caught in the act photographs, which really makes me laugh, especially the one where he is sat in a high chair laughing with a food bowl on his head like a hat and he is wearing his food rather than eating it.  Also the one of him climbing into the washing machine, all you can see is his nappy and a pair of brown legs sticking out of the washing machine and a washing power box sat in front of the washing machine that I presume is empty because there is a nice little mound of white powder on the floor next to it.  I sit laughing for a moment, he looks like he might have been a handful!  I find it strange that I still have not seen one single photograph of Gravel with Slate!

I start laughing quite loudly when I spot a few photographs that amuses me.  Slate with a little gang of other toddlers.  A girl and boy who are yellow and red, I presume they are two of the Shine children, but I wouldn't know which ones.  There is a little brown and green boy on the photograph with Slate and it looks like they are fighting over a teddy bear.   There is no mistaking that green hair and those bright green eyes, I would lay bets on that being Bayleaf!!  I spot the green and brown toddler on another few of the photographs with Slate.  One photograph really makes me laugh, Sunny Shine, lying on his stomach on the floor laughing, buried underneath a mountain of toddlers,who are all sat on top of him, that guy always seems so happy and full of life!!  It also looks like all the toddlers might have been at a party, there are a lot of balloons in the picture and there is a photograph of Slate with cake seriously all over his hairless head and face.

There is also a photograph of Caramel, Bay's Mother, with Slate fast asleep on her lap.  Which interests me.  Slate has talked to me a lot about both Caramel and Lilly, like for him they have been motherly figures in his life.  It amuses and puzzles me that Slate says that Gravel never had any girlfriends at all, during the time he was growing up.  The first female that he saw Gravel with was Strawberry, then Coral.  Obviously Slate knows nothing about Tarragon, or Mace who Gravel has done something of a sexual nature with.  I just wander how many more there are that we do not know about and who he has kept hidden from Slate?!

Then a set of photographs really catch my attention, mainly because they have both Slate and Forrest together on them.  They look like they were taken on a visit to the beach. 

I have been staring at the same four pictures of Forrest for the past twenty years.  Photographs of us messing about in a photo booth, so it is nice to see a different photograph of Forrest that I have never seen before.

Something amuses me about these photographs straight away, I can tell that it is Forrest who has dressed Slate, rather than Gravel.   Slate is out of his usual brown and orange clothes that he wears in all the photographs of him at home.  On these photographs he is wearing green and blue clothes.

I have never really understood Forrest's fascination with the colour blue.  I know it's his favourite colour but he's always taken it a step further, he even buys blue clothes for himself to wear, around the house, and he's bought them for me in the past.  I used to have a few pairs of blue shorts and we have had a few debates over decorating our bedroom in blue, which I notice he has now done as I was not around to protest.  I think that is why he loves Sandy Shores so much because it is all sea and sky there, it is a very bright and blue place.  He used to be able to sit for hours just staring out at the ocean without getting bored, I think he loves the colour blue, almost obsessively.  

In the past I always used to be very scared that he would leave me for a blue guy, if he ever got the opportunity to, he is that obsessed with the colour!!

I continue to stare at the photographs of Slate and Forrest playing on the beach and in the sea.  I wander who actually was there with them and took these photographs?  I am also wandering if Forrest has taken Slate out to Sandy Shores and how many times?  I can not tell where they are, there are no clues on the photographs that tell me if it is Sandy Shores or not.  

I carefully pull one of the photographs out of the album and flip it over.  I knew it!!  Written on the back of the photograph is Sandy Shores, a date and Slates age.  This makes me laugh for a moment.  Forrest always used to amuse me when he collected packets of photographs from the shop after they had been developed.  He used to sit and write on the back of each and every photograph, names, dates and places, which used to take him hours sometimes.   I never saw the point of it back then, but looking at this now, I guess I finally get it.  

I can at least get to see some of my son's life that I have missed through these photographs.  I wander where I was that day when they were happily playing on the beach!  Prison.  I turn the photograph back over and stare at Forrest's face.

They both look really happy.

I think that is when the smile leaves my face and it really hits me hard.  That Slate and Forrest have had a whole different life together without me, which they should not have had.  I should have been there with them!!  

This starts to really upset me.  Twenty years of both of their lives I have missed out on and even looking through these photographs, I, we can never get that time back!!

When I turn to the next page of photographs, three old loose photographs are sat in between the pages of the album that are not of Slate.  They are very old photographs of me and Forrest when we were toddlers.  I laugh looking at them, we even seemed to be happy and together back then, the eye contact stares, the kissing and the messing about. 

The photographs of us are in the pages with all of Slates toddler photographs.  I notice then how similar me and Slate actually look at about the same age, neither of us did very well in the hair department at that age.  Gravel was born with tonnes of hair, it took years before mine even started noticeably growing!!  

I might have thought that these were just more picture of Slate, if it was not for Forrest as a toddler being on them and the photographs themselves being so obviously old and not in colour.   Me and Slate look shockingly the same all but for our noses.

I wander why these photographs are in Slate's album like this.  Was Forrest comparing how similar we looked at that age?  

When Forrest was playing with Slate in the water, I wander if he already knew then that Slate was my son?  I would love to know when and how Forrest actually found out the truth?  Did Gravel actually tell him or did he work it out from the three different blood groups, I really can not wait to find out the answer to this question!!

Why has Forrest never tried to find me to tell me?  Especially now that I know he has missed me as much as I have missed him.  WHY has he let the last twenty years go by without at word, especially for Slate?!

I have never seen these photographs of us as toddlers before.  I am quite fascinated by them and wander where Forrest has had them from?  I presume he must have got them off Mammy and Paps because I do not remember us actually having any photographs of us together when we were younger, only from teen age.  

I really laugh at the photograph of Forrest kissing my face, the expression on my face and the way we have our arms around each other.  It is kind of really cute!!  I think our love affair must have started when we were toddlers, not teenagers.  I actually sit laughing at that photograph for quite a while.  Thinking that photograph should not be sat in an album in the dark, it should be in a frame and hanging on the wall where it can be seen.

I continue to look through a few more pages of Slates photographs and decide I really need to stop.  My head is starting to stew and I am starting to get upset again seeing Slates life that I have missed out on.  Now is not the time, I should save this for another day, and I should really not be hanging around here. 

I suddenly realize how stupid I am being!!  Sitting here like this looking through photographs when I need to get back to Gravels before anyone misses me, and the time is ticking ever closer to the 6am deadline.  I quickly look at my watch.  Cinnamon would probably give me a right earful if he knew I had sneaked out of the house like this.
 
As I pick up the albums off the floor hurriedly to put them back in the draw, I drop one and a handful of photographs spill out all over the floor.  I swear at myself as I start to pick them up.  I can not help but let a few of them catch my eye and I end up looking at them.  It is too late, my head goes off again, because I see my parents faces staring back at me.

I think it is the shock that hits me.  I have not seen either of their faces since I was a teenager, not even in a photograph.  I don't even understand why they would be here, I thought Mammy and Paps had all of these photographs.  I open the album they came out of, and it is one that I've never seen before and something Forrest must have been doing while I have been away.  The album is full of very old photographs of both mine and Forrest parents.   There are also a lot of photographs of our two families together, and all of us as children playing together, Gravel and Meadow included.

I close the album and start to look at the loose photographs that I have in my hand.

These three photographs in particular would have been taken before Gravel was born or even thought about.  I always wandered why there was quite an age gap between the two of us. I always used to rib Gravel when he was younger telling him that I was planned and he was a accident and wasn't wanted.  I used to tell him that just to wind him up and upset him, and it worked until Dad found out what I was saying to Gravel and Dad gave me a good beating for upsetting his precious brat!  I never said it to him again after that. 

I stare at my Mothers face for ages, I still really miss her, even now, it still really hurts.  I was always a lot closer to my Mother than him.  It is a shame that these old photographs are not in colour so that I can see her properly, I always thought she had a beautiful face and her colouring was quite striking.  One thing that I always used to hate Gravel for, he inherited her hair and eye colouring.  This photograph reminds me that it is not just her nose that I inherited, I also have her eyes, which was very noticable when I was young, but not so apparent now.

My Father, I never really liked very much, I hated the horrible person that he was, just like Gravel, they are actually virtually the same person personality wise.  I remember the awful rows that our parents used to have, and the beatings he used to give her, and me, for trying to protect her from him.  I hated him for how badly he treated her, the 'other women' and affairs he used to have that used to upset her.  I remember how nasty verbally and physically he was needlessly towards my Mother all of the time.  He used to disappear for days and weeks without a word sometimes, he would turn up like a bad penny saying it was police business, but I think we knew it wasn't!!  I swear in the end he only stuck around because of Gravel.

It is no wander that she turned to the booze, he drove her to drink!  Although Mammy says she was actually an addict and that is where I got my addiction from, but I like to think he drove us both to drink.  That man mentally scared me, something I will never get rid of.  I think the booze was the only thing that kept my Mother sane in the end and I even think she was relieved when he was faded at work.  Those last three years of her life were peaceful and she was happier than I can ever remember her being, even if she was very ill at the end.

I stare at my Fathers face and can see now just how much Gravel does actually look like him.  Gravel even dresses like him which amuses me, because I have not noticed that before.  I have actually forgotten how Dad used to dress.  I am surprised that Gravel does not wear his hair the same as Dad used to, because I swear Gravel has spent his whole life trying to be exactly what Dad was, and I would go as far as to say that Gravel has achieved it with flying colours because he is actually the bigger Berry Hole.   Gravel got his looks and personality, I hope all I got from him was his colouring.

I laugh for a moment as I lay those three photographs on the carpet.  I think the cracks in mine and his relationship were already starting to show even at that age!!  In the first two photograph I am being held by him, I don't look happy and all I seem interested in is staring after my Mother.  In the last photograph she is holding me and he has got one of those same filthy looks on his face, that Gravel pulls, which is aimed right at me.  I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have a screaming fit between the second and third picture.

My Mother and Mammy always used to tell me I was an awkward toddler, especially around my Dad.  I used to scream the place down all the time if he even tried to pick me up, they said it was because I have always been a Mommy's boy.  I used to tell them both I was a genius at that age and had already worked him out.  That really used to make Mammy laugh in particular, she was never a very big fan of my Father's either!

We never had the best of relationships me and him!!  If he was alive today, I doubt I would even want to be living in the same town as him.  I doubt we would even be talking or having anything to do with each other.  I think our relationship completely broke down when I started showing signs of being gay. 

It is just a good job he didn't hang around long enough to see the end product and exactly how I did turn out.  The alcoholic, drug taking jail bird!  Oh, he would have loved that, NOT!!  While he was many things I turned out to be four of his pet hates - drink, drugs, gay and a petty criminal.  However, I have always imagined and suspected that there was a lot more to that man that I never saw.  I would not be surprised in the least if Gravel is not following in his shoes completely.  I could quite easily believe that Dad was living a double life, just like Gravel is, hiding behind a police uniform to cover up the fact that he is nothing more than a cold callous murderer!!

Of course, Gravel has a completely different view of our Father and our family life. Gravel hero worshiped the ground that he walked on.  He could never do no wrong in Gravels eyes, not even when he was beating on our Mother.  Gravel's take on the situation was always that she must have done something to deserve it!  Gravel could do no wrong either in Daddies eyes, even when he was being an obnoxious little git, which was most of the time, that was okay with Dad because Gravel was Daddies favourite.  If it was me, there was always hell to pay, sometimes, I think he hated me more than I hated him.  It was always me and Mom against him and Gravel, I think that is why me and Gravel are so divided now, we were never taught how to be brothers, just how to take apposing sides and be mean to each other.  Our snapping and sniping, the back stabbing and spiteful games that we play with each other ... we learned it all from him!!

I put the three photographs of them into my pocket, planning to cut him off them.  I do not want the bad memories from seeing his face, but I do want to keep a picture of my Mother.  I also think I'll give the one to Slate with Amber's pictures.  Knowing Gravel I bet Slate has never seen a photograph of his Grandparents either.

I put the albums away and I walk over towards the bed still holding two photographs in my hand, I stare down at them and my legs buckle and I find myself sat on the floor again.  The reason I am here and what is happening in only a few hours time has now totally left my mind because the photographs that I have been looking at have really upset and unsettled me.

I stare at one of the photographs of me and Forrest, old memories come flooding back and I start to crack up again.  I remember these photographs and the one and only trip that we ever took to Sandy Shores with Gravel and Amber.  Gravel in his usual style tried to ruined the holiday for all of us.  It was Amber who actually took these photographs of me and Forrest.  

Even Gravel could not ruin our happiness back then, oh, but he managed it eventually, didn't he!!!

My phone bleeps twice to tell me I have just received a text.  I pull my phone out of my pocket thinking it is a strange time for someone to be sending me text messages.  The incoming number is unknown.  All the message says is "Can you phone me when you have five and are alone please. It is important! T."

I stand staring at the text for a moment, I think I know who this is already - Turmeric.  Well now there is a surprise, I never expected to hear from him again.  I wander what the alone thing is all about.  Curiosity has me phoning the number.  At first all I hear is silence when the call is answered.

"I've got five T what do you want?"  I snap into my phone when he stays silent, hoping I've guessed right and this is actually Turmeric.  "And what kind of stupid time is this to text me?"

"Gran, please don't be mad with me, you are alone aren't you!!"  I tell him that I am totally alone.  "Good!!  Please can I see you?"  Turmeric says back quietly

"You might find that a little difficult seeing as I am not in Cherry right now!"  I say to him, even though I know he is in Sugar Valley, I can not let him know that I know that, because he is tangled up with Gravel.  SHIT!!  I should not have even phoned him!!  If I had been thinking straight, I would not have done!

"I know bro, I've been told you have gone home to Sugar Valley.  There are things that I really need to tell you, things I should have told you a long time ago."

"You quit being my bro, mate, when you started with your ultimatums and made me chose between you and Mace."  I snap at him  "You actually walked away too, that is what hurts the most!!"

"I know and I really am sorry!!  I didn't want to, I thought I was doing the best thing at the time!!  Gran please this is really important ... I am actually in Sugar Valley and ... I really need to see you ... !!"

"What the hell are you doing in Sugar T?"

"It is a long story which I will explain later.  I am staying in a bedsit over on Sixth Street, house No. 3, flat 3B.   Please come round first thing in the morning, I wouldn't ask but it is really important."  I tell him I'll think about it  "Gran, Please don't make me beg!!  I have really missed you bro!"

"Okay! Okay! I'll meet you later, even if it is just to get you off my back."  

I have really missed him, I thought we were really close, he was my best mate, I loved him like a brother and he was more like a brother to me than Gravel has ever been.  It really hurt when he walked away after our bust up over what Mace did to him, but to find out he is nothing more than a back stabbing berry hole working for Gravel just makes it a thousand times worse!!

"Thanks Gran! please come alone and DON'T tell Mace or ANYONE you have spoken to me, it is really important that you don't!!"

"This better had be important T!!  I'll see you later."  I say then snap my phone shut not really knowing at first what to think.  I throw my phone at the bed in frustration, he has stired up both pain and anger just from hearing his voice again.

I stare down at the photographs of me and Forrest that I am still holding in my hand, it hurts me to look at it.  That photo was taken when we were really happy, before our hearts were broken and our lives torn apart.  I stuff the photo into my pocket with all the others.  

I am now a little incensed by Turmeric's phone call.  He along with Mace have played a part in helping Gravel to destroy our life!!  What is his game?  Does he think I am stupid?!  Gravel is probably getting Turmeric to lure me to that address which he has given me so he can do me in ... well if Turmeric thinks I'm stupid enough to go round there, he has got another think coming!!  I will never be able to trust him again!!

I realise that I have let myself get distracted again and I have stayed here way too long.  I go to walk out and as I am retrieving my phone off the bed that is when something catches my eye on the bed.  On my side of the bed, stuck on my pillow is a post it note.  I am not sure how I did not notice the note before! Turmerics call is now totally forgotten as I grab for the note and read what is written in Forrest's handwriting.

Ingrate Stale Cork, 
Trestles in the breadrow, 
Raffle Store Cork
xx

I stand really laughing, almost hysterically, for a moment, never expecting to see one of these notes again.  Suddenly I stop laughing, because I can tell that Forrest was mad with me when he wrote this note.  I wander just how many years that note has been there, because it too is covered in dust and there now is a little clean brighter coloured square patch, which is dust free on the pillow where this note must have been sitting for years.

That note is so typically of us, we used to leave each other notes all over the house, notes written in a language that only we understand.  We had this game that we used to play constantly from when we were children.  We are both fairly intelligent and intelligent enough to be pretty good with anagrams, to the point where we can do them in our heads without having to write the words down.  I am not really sure how it even started but we soon realised that we could create our own code that we communicated with, especially in front of our parents, friends, siblings and teachers.  It got us out of a lot of scrapes as well as into trouble sometimes.

When we were kids we used to spend hours, not like most kids, we sat together, usually up a tree, playing with words and phrases and created our own dictionary of words that became like our second language.  Nobody, up to the point when I left had worked out what we were actually doing, not even Mango managed to figure it out, and it really used to freak Gravel out especially when we started to talk to each other using our own language which he used to call double dutch.

The note that he has left on my pillow, I don't even have to try to work out because I know exactly what it means instantly by just reading it once, it is still just like a second language to me at a glance.  Anyone else reading that note would just look at it, think whoever wrote is a crack pot and walk away none the wiser of what it means.  I wander for a moment why Forrest would leave me this note?  Has he expected me to sneak into the house over the years while he is not around and hoped that I would see it?

Ingrate Stale Cork - that is me Granite Slate Rock.  I know he was mad with me when he wrote this note because he wrote my full name, otherwise he would have just written 'Ingrate' or something sappy, and he signed it Raffle Store Cork - his full name Forrest Leaf Rock and there are only two kisses instead of at least a dozen.  I could always judge his mood by how many kisses I got, when I got only one kiss on one of his notes, I knew, I was in BIG trouble!!  Trestles in the breadrow - Letters in the wardrobe.

I open the wardrobe door, I presume he means that there is a letter or letters inside the wardrobe for me to read or look at.  Probably divorce papers knowing my luck!!  I move the hanging clothes to one side, to look in the space behind my shoes, but see nothing.  Then I look on the shelf above the clothes rail and spot a box at the back of the wardrobe that was never there before.  I pull the box out of the wardrobe.

I open the box curiously and am surprised by what I find.  A whole pile of letters, probably close on a hundred of the damn things if not more, then I realize I have seen every single one before, well the envelopes at least.  Now I think I know why he was mad with me when he wrote that note!!

The letters are all addressed to me and the address on them the prison in Berry Shores.  Every single envelope I have written on - Return to Sender.  Which is exactly what I did.  Every time he sent me a letter, I sent it back unopened.  I feel sick!!

I take one out and stare at it for ages, wandering if I dare to open it.  Curiosity gets the better of me and I tear open the envelope and take the letter out.  I start reading the letter and before I have even read half way down the first page my legs have buckled and I am sitting in a heap on the floor.  I finish that letter and tear open another, then another, until I can not read anymore because of the tears rolling down my face and blurring my vision.  

While each letter is basically telling me the same thing, there is something different at the end of each letter - what is going on in town, family, work and especially how he is feeling which cuts me up having to read it.  He is also telling me things about Slate, like when he first started to walk and talk, and how Gravel is treating him.  I learned from the few letters that I have read, that Forrest was the one basically bringing up Slate not Gravel, because Gravel couldn't even look at the boy let alone go anywhere near him.  Now I guess I know why he was in none of the photographs that I looked at.  This just totally cracks me up.

I think it all gets just a little too much for me.  Since the day I received that phone call from Mango about Slate's existence and him needing a kidney replacement, I have been on an awful emotional roller coaster ride.  Being in this house, seeing all these photographs, and especially reading those letters on top of everything else that is going on, worrying about Slate and Mace's future and Forrest's whereabouts ... the roller coaster ride has just derailed and crashed - taking me with it.

I just sit there sobbing hysterically for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of what is written in those letters.  Forrest was trying to tell me about Slate being my son all those years ago.  When I was sat in prison, being stubborn and sticking to the no contact, because I thought I was protecting them, while all my stubbornness was really doing was tearing Forrest and our lives apart.  Forrest was trying to tell me about Slate, from when he was a toddler and I could have known then - I should have known then!!  If I had only opened one letter, I would have gone home straight after prison. 

The lie is what gets me the most - Gravel's lie - the set up beating that he sat there and told me the Brownies had given him as a warning for me.  That is what drove me away and kept me away - it was all fake!!  Gravel was the one pulling the Brownies strings, me, Forrest and Amber were in no danger!!  I walked away from my life for twenty years and there was no need for me to do that.  I stayed away for twenty years for NOTHING!!  It has ALL been just one of Gravel's games to keep me away from Slate who he stole from me!!

I am now grieving for some other time 20 years ago that I can never get back.  I so wished I could roll back time and do it all differently. IF ONLY I had read just one of those letters then everything would have been different!!  I want to go back and right my wrong and relive those years that I missed out on, and live them here where I should have been with Forrest and Slate, and not in Mint Valley or Cherry Hill or any of the other places that I've lived since I've left prison.  

I'm the one who has messed everything up - me and I can never take it back!!  I just sit there by my side of the bed crying like I haven't cried for years.

My phone starts ringing.  Mace's number is flashing up on the screen.  Hell!!  I hoped he would not wake up and spot that I am missing.  I answer it quickly.  Of course he is demanding to know where I am in his usual scared hysterical tone that he uses when I go a.w.o.l.

"It is okay baby, I didn't want to leave you but I could not sleep."  I say to him, trying to butter him up, while I wipe the tears off my face  "I was getting a headache, so I went for a quick walk round the block to get some fresh air."  I say to him which is an excuse I've used a lot of times when I have needed to get out of the house and away from him so that I can make sly phone calls.

"You better not be drinking!!"  he snaps at me, which amuses me because that is always the first thing that he throws at me, it is what worries him the most when I go missing.

"No!!  I promise!! ..." 

"Then why does your voice sound strange?"  he snaps  "What are you doing?"

"Nothing, just walking. I've got a banging headache and you shouting is really not helping!!  Look I am just round the corner, I will be back in five minutes."

I end the call telling him I love him which calms him down a little.  I throw the letters that I have read back into the box with all the remaining unopened ones and throw the box back into the wardrobe.  I will come back and collect them later once Gravel and Mace are safely locked up, I can not risk taking them back with me right now.  I run into the bathroom to wash my face, I turn all the lights off that I have turned on and quickly leave the house.

As I walk down the alley way making my way back to Gravel's my phone starts to ring again.  I swear out loud thinking it is going to be Mace again, knowing he will sit and watch the clock and the minute those five minutes are up he will start raring at me again, he is so predictable.  However, when I pull my phone out of my pocket to answer it, I see that it actually is not Mace.  

It is Corals name that is flashing up on my screen.

"Granite you need to come home quickly!!"  I ask her why what's wrong  "Gravel and Mace are fighting and I can not stop them!  Gravel is beating Mace up pretty badly, he is going crazy, I think he has lost it and I don't know why!!"

I can actually hear them yelling and screaming in the background.  I think I know already this is probably Gravel kicking off with Mace over Tarrogan's disappearance and whereabouts again.  It seems to have totally unhinged him!!

I tell Coral to get into her bedroom and lock the door.  I also tell her to phone Cinnamon and tell him that I've told her to phone and just tell him there is trouble, he will know what she means.  She starts trying to question me and I snap at her telling her to just do what I ask.  I tell her she is not to speak to Gravel or Mace and to lock the bedroom door and to stay in there until either me or Cinnamon come for her.

I snap my phone shut and start to sprint down the alleyway.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Song = Photograph ~ Ed Sheeran
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rock 24

I leave Forrest's office and make my way slowly back to Gravel's house on foot, very nervous about the next twelve hours in front of me.  I decide to walk so that I can clear my head ready for what is a head of me. 

I text Atlas again to check to see if Forrest has turned up at my house yet and he just sends me one word back.  No!  I think he must be getting sick of me asking.  I clear all the texts and call history out of my phone before I go into Gravel's house,  just in case Mace goes snooping about in my phone.

I am not too happy that Cinnamon has left me with the responsibility of trying to make sure that Gravel and Mace are exactly where they want them to be, safely tucked up in their beds sound asleep, when they come calling in the early hours of tomorrow morning.  They have a key to the house, so they won't even be making any noise getting in, it should just be a case of them creeping in and waking them both up unceremoniously, neither of them are going to know what has hit them. 

Mace is going to be easy to keep in bed, it is Gravel that worries me.  I have already heard him creeping around a lot, when he thinks everyone is asleep, in, out and around the house during the night.  I can only imagine what he is getting up to!!  It amuses me sometimes because I can not work out when my brother actually sleeps.

As soon as I open the front door I hear the yelling.  

The loud shouting makes me stop dead in my tracks before I have even closed the door.  I loiter in the open doorway listening to Mace and Gravel arguing and shouting at each other.  Straight away I know what the argument is about, as I hear Gravel yelling at Mace, threatening him, saying if he is hiding her or knows where she is he is going to bury him.  Gravel is hassling Mace trying to find out where Tarragon is, but of course Mace does not have the slightest clue about her whereabouts, and that his sister and daughter are in a safe house being watched over by the police.

I slam the front door shut in anger listening to the childish and vile names that Gravel is shouting at Mace.  The shouting stops instantly and everything suddenly goes silent in the kitchen.  The second I have done it, I regret doing it, because they now must know that I have heard the yelling.  They have been very careless conducting their argument knowing that I can walk in any minute!!  I wander where Coral is.

Gravel and Mace come strolling out of the kitchen together, both of them looking very shifty, especially Mace.  I can not act now like I have not heard the yelling, so I have to ask about it, pretending all that I heard was the nasty name calling.

Gravel starts to make up this cock and bull story about him arguing with Coral and Mace had jumped in and had a go at him because of the way that he was talking to her, which started them off arguing.  I have to start having a go at him over laying into Mace or he might think I don't care.

"Just leave him Gran, he is not worth it!!."  Mace steps up to me and puts his arms around me  "We need to find somewhere else to stay anyway, Coral doesn't want us staying here!"

I frown at Mace but it is Gravel who tells me, that is what he and Coral were arguing about.  All this baby stuff and me taking Slates side.  She thinks it would not have gone as far as it has if I was not involved and paying Slate's solicitors bills.   She knows that without my money Slate could never have served those papers so she does not want me living here.  She has told Gravel he has got to kick me out or she is leaving him.  This makes me laugh for a moment, you can tell she is still a child in the head, threatening with the childish, I'll leave you line.

"Fine!  If that is what she wants, tell her we will be gone by dinnertime tomorrow!!  Mango and Bay have both said we can stay at theirs if we need to."  I laugh at the look on his face.  Little does he know we will all have a different roof over our heads come this time tomorrow!!  "To be honest, I think we would be much better staying somewhere else anyway if this is the kind of shit that goes on while my back is turned - you bullying Mace!"

"You don't have to move out!!  I will talk her round."  he starts to look a little worried.  "She will calm down, she's just a little worked up about all this baby stuff at the moment.  I'm sorry I was having a go at Mace, I was just letting off steam because she wound me up having a go at me and he put himself in the firing line!!"  

Yeah I guess the last thing he would want is me staying somewhere else where he can't keep an eye on me, just in case Forrest turns up and gets to me first.  I tell him to forget it, not to do any begging on my behalf, I don't even like the girl anyway so I'm quite happy to leave.  I even go as far as telling him that I don't think she is a patch on Amber and I don't know where his head is at and if he wants to let a child rule him then that's his look out.  Gravel tries to protest but I tell him to just drop it, we are moving out, end of.
 

Gravel storms off into the kitchen and starts cooking himself something to eat.  Neither me or Mace wanted anything because Mace has already eaten with El on their way back from the Spa and I had eaten with Cinnamon while we discussed the plans for in the morning.

I ask Mace where Coral is and he tells me that she has just popped to the corner shop for something and she should be back soon.  I was a little worried when I realized that she wasn't in the house, I thought she might have stormed off out after their argument.  That is, if there even was an argument.  

I know that Mango wanted to pull Coral out of the house tonight, being pregnant he didn't like the idea of her being here while the raid was happening.  I wasn't too happy with the idea either, they are more likely mine as well as Mango's Grandchildren that she is carrying.  Cinnamon insisted, he thought that it might give Gravel an excuse to go out wandering around, possibly looking for Tarragon, if Coral is not here to keep him in the house.  Of course I'm going to have to be the one who takes care of her in the morning, by getting her out of the house as quickly as I can and I'll probably have to be the one to explain to her what is going on.

I feel a little on edge as me and Mace sit talking and I can hear Gravel banging around in the kitchen.  Maybe I should have just humoured him instead of being so blunt and harsh!  I hope that his mood gets better or he is likely to storm off out and I really don't need that tonight.  Cinnamon has told me that Sugar Valley station are now aware of what is happening and Gravel will not be called out on any more police business, especially not tonight, so there should be no reason for him to leave the house, I hope!!

  

Mace starts to kiss me and I am glad of the distraction, I push him back onto the couch and crawl over him.  I hear the front door shut when Coral comes back into the house. 

"You two are disgusting, you have a room upstairs, trying using it!!"  she snaps.  "It is no wander Slate now thinks he is gay if he has to keep watching you two slobbering all over each other!!"  she laughs sarcastically  "and I hear Bay is more than willing to suck face with him!"

I stop kissing Mace and turn my head to watch her as she goes into the kitchen to Gravel.  I have to bite my tongue because I really wanted to say something to that remark that she made about Slate.  I watch Gravel hand her a plate of food and they go to sit down at the table and I am relieved when I can hear them chatting away normally.  Mace is kissing my neck while I've got my head turned in the direction of the kitchen. 

"Lets go upstairs."  he whispers in my ear as he starts to run his tongue around my ear. "I've got a problem I need you to sort out!" 

I turn to look at him and laugh as I roll off him and pull him off the couch.  He takes my hand and starts leading me up the stairs to our room.  I think putting space between me, Gravel and Coral right now is probably a good idea, there is less likelihood of us coming to blows.   Mace is pulling me quickly up the stairs like he can not get into the bedroom quick enough.  I laugh when I remember he has been to the spa today.  I ask him if he's been having those massages that do strange things to him again.  He just giggles as he throws me onto the bed.  I guess he has. 

This is the last time.  I guess we best had make the most of it.

I am lying on my side just staring at Mace who is lying next to me with his eyes closed and a huge smile on his face which is making me feel really guilty.  I know he is really happy with 'us' right now, but I also know his heart is about to be broken, and I am the one who will be doing it to him!!  I am fighting to stop the tears from rolling down my face that are stinging the backs of my eyes.  The pain of our separation is already starting to get to me, even before it has happened, which is seriously starting to make me question the feelings that I have for him.  I stare down at him as I run my thumb across his cheek.  It is really hard to imagine that this is the last time we will be together like this and he will soon no longer be a part of my everyday life.   

This time tomorrow we will both be alone, while I will be without him, he will be in a police or prison cell.  I am scared for him and what he has got ahead of him, I wish I could protect him from it, but I know I can't.   This situation needs to play through or he is never going to have the record set straight and he will never be a free man.  Once he has served the time coming to him, he will be able to walk free and live the life he has always wanted, as himself without being used and bullied, especially by Gravel.  I am also scared for myself because I have a nasty feeling I am not going to handle this situation and separation very well.

"Stop staring at me."  he opens one eye to look at me, moaning about me breathing all over his face because it tickles.  Tickling is one thing he hates.  "Why are you staring at me like that anyway?  Anyone would think that you love me!"  he grins at me

"Isn't that why I'm marrying you?"  I smirk at him

Mace pulls me towards him and starts kissing me. I feel really guilty for having to play this game with him, not that it is a hard game for me to play anymore.  I would have been quite happy settling for second best.  Lately I've even wandered, if our relationship had been like this from the start, if I could quite easily have fallen in love with him by now.  If we had both removed our 'false fronts' from the beginning I think it could have been very different now.  But Forrest was always going to be there in the middle.  I like the new nice Mace and am really enjoying the physical side of it.  The only part of our relationship at the moment that I don't like is the lies that I am having to tell him, the lies which are what are going to hurt him the most when this is all over, and I really don't want to hurt him.  I have to keep telling myself the lies are there only because of the situation we are in and one day I hope he will understand that!!

Mace stops kissing me suddenly and pushes me away from him slightly.   

"Talking about us getting married, have you done anything about sorting out your divorce from HIM yet?" 

"No, not yet."  he frowns at me and not in a nice way, the last thing I need is for him to start kicking off right now, so yet again I have to lie and tell him something that I know he wants to hear.  "I have got to pop into the solicitors over the next few days to settle Slate's bill so I'll do it while I'm there!"  I smile at him  "Then we will know how long it is going to take and we can sort out setting a date."

I smile as I lie to him, to cover up how I am feeling.  I have actually already payed the solicitors bill and never have any intention of divorcing Forrest, but the lie makes Mace happy and keeps him calm, so I have to tell it.  Lying has never been one of my favourite things!

Mace lies there grinning at me for a moment then pounces on me, throwing me over onto my back and crawling over me.  We are already completely naked and it takes him seconds to show me what his intentions are again.  Like we haven't already been up here for the last four or five hours making plenty of noise for the ring ear wiggers to listen to.  

I have given up even worrying about the ring listening to what we are getting up to, most of the time it doesn't bother me because I actually forget about it.  Something else that I realize I am forgetting about, the creaking bed, I've started to get so lost in our ... 'love making'  that it is taking place on the bed and not the floor like it has for the past five years.  

I am seriously starting to worry about my self and just how much I've let my guard down and just how deep Mace has managed to worm his way into me.

Exhausted Mace crawls into my arms and virtually falls straight off to sleep, while there is just way too much buzzing around in my head for me to even think about sleeping.  Even though I know I can relax a little, because I heard Gravel and Coral come up to bed a few hours ago and make their own noise.  The house is now deadly quiet so I presume everyone is asleep except for me.  Gravel and Mace are safely tucked up in their beds where I need them to be, but still I can't relax.  I stare over at the clock on the bedside table and it has just gone midnight.

While the last six hours have flown by, I know the next six are really going to drag for me!  At 6 am, in less than six hours time, this house will be crawling with police officers who will be raiding the place and carting both Gravel and Mace away.  What Gravel has coming to him doesn't bother me anymore.  After all the lives he has taken needlessly and all the lives he has played around with and ruined, he deserves everything that is coming to him.  After everything he's done to me and Slate, I am not losing any sleep over his miserable future, he has brought it all onto himself.

Coral doesn't have the slightest idea about what is coming either.  She more than most is going to have the shock of her life when she finds out exactly what Gravel is and what he has done.  Both me and Coral will be leaving this house tomorrow, I am going to be moving into Bay's house temporarily while Mango will be taking Coral back home to his.  Mango did say I could stay at his house, but there is just too much going on there with his family already.  I will need space and Bay's house is more me.  The last thing I need to be around is an hysterical woman, which is what I know all this is going to turn Coral into, especially when she finds out that Gravel has had another woman in Apple Hill all of this time.  

I laugh thinking about Bay's house, and the arguments that me and Forrest had over that house.   We lived there for a while after we first got married, and we had the chance to buy it, but he wanted a bigger place and I didn't see the point.  Of course he won that argument and got his way like he always did with me.  Ironic that I will be living under that roof again for a while until I have sorted the rest of my life out. 

It is warm and we have the window wide open.  I lie there listening to the sounds that are coming from off the street.  The occasional car drives past, the trees are rustling in the cool breeze that is coming in through the window.  I close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep listening to the sounds coming through the window.  

I must have managed to drift off for a short time because I open my eyes suddenly as I jolt out of a bad dream.  My mind is tormented with all this Gravel stuff because what I was dreaming was not nice.  I just lie there again staring up at the ceiling, Mace soundly asleep in my arms, wandering where Forrest is right now.
 
What the hell is Forrest playing at?!  He caught a flight out to Cherry Hill, I thought he was out there looking for me.  He could easily have found me in the telephone directory just like Mango did, but I have text Atlas a dozen times and he says Forrest still hasn't showed up at my house yet.  Maybe he got cold feet and changed his mind, all I can do is sit and wait for either Atlas to phone or for the police to pick him up at Cherry Hill airport trying to board a return flight home.  What I would really love to do is jump on a plane and go looking for him, but I can't go attracting that much attention to myself with Gravel and Mace with everything that is going on in less that six hours time.  

I think maybe, that is actually what I am going to do as soon as this is over.  Jump on a plane and go and find him, he is out there believing lies and hurting needlessly, when he doesn't need to be!!  I am not going to stop until I do find him!!  Then I think about Slate. I can not go out looking for Forrest, tomorrow Slate is going to be destroyed when he has to be told the truth.  I won't be able to leave Slate to deal with this alone. 

I start to think about Slate and remember a conversation I had earlier with him about Amber.  The poor kid gets really upset over his Mother.  Firstly he thinks it is his fault that she faded and secondly he doesn't have a clue what she was like as a person and especially not what she looks like, that must be pretty hard for him.  This makes me think about my own Mother for a moment.  Gravel has selfishly not only hidden photographs he has refused to talk about Amber to Slate at all.  All he seems to know is that he has her hair colouring, he thought he had her eyes too until we pointed it out to him that he actually has inherited my eye colouring which came from his Granddad Rock.  

Why would Gravel even do that anyway? convince the boy he has Ambers orange eyes and why has Forrest stood there and let him?!  Amber's eyes were far from the brown eyes that he has actually got.  I know my brown is like a golden brown like my hair, both of which have sometimes been mistaken for orange, but seriously, Gravel knows those are my eyes and not Ambers.  I have promised Slate that I will get him some photographs of her as soon as I catch up with Forrest.

This gets me thinking about Forrest and his photographs.  He had an obsession with taking photographs.  I laugh for a moment, 'Snap Happy Leafy' I used to call him.  He used to take photographs of everything.  We had a puppy that Forrest called Spot, I wasn't too impressed with Spot at first because Forrest used to baby that dog and let it sleep on our bed with us, which I didn't like.  I was actually jealous of that damn dog because of the attention that Forrest used to give it.  Spot even had his own photograph album of growing up photo's just like a child would.  I think he spent more time photographing that dog doing stupid things than anything else.  I laugh remembering how I got Spot drunk once.  I thought Forrest was going to kick me out when he found his baby along side me unconscious on the living room carpet with his tongue hanging out!!  I laugh at the memory picturing the look on his face when he realized the dog was as drunk as I was!!  hell I was wrong back then and I haven't thought about that dog for years, I guess that Spot must have faded years ago.

I am now totally wide awake and just lie there thinking about the hoards of photographs that Forrest used to have, and I bet he still has.  I bet he still sits thumbing through them and laughing or crying at the memories.  I bet there are tonnes of photographs of Amber that Slate can look at sitting in that house right now.  Forrest isn't home either, he is in Cherry Hill somewhere, I could quite easily go in there now and grab a few.  I am sure he wouldn't mind.

I slide myself away from Mace,  I move carefully trying not to wake him.  As I slide off the side of the bed he mumbles and rolls over, I pull the bed clothes over him while I stand holding my breath, hoping he stays asleep.  I hope he has knackered himself out and will now sleep soundly until the morning.   He would not understand me going around to my old house, even if it is only for photographs, so it's best he does not know.   I pick my phone up off the bedside table and glance at the time, it is 1am.  Five hours to go.  I get the feeling I am going to be awake at 6am and probably sat down stairs watching the clock when the police arrive, I'm not sure that I can even watch them carting him away. 

I grab my clothes and tiptoe out of the room trying not to wake up Mace.  Taking one last look at him sleeping peacefully before I close the door quietly and head to the bathroom to take a quick shower and get dressed.  

  
I have quietly made my way down the stairs and the house is eerily quiet and in total darkness.  I leave the lights off and tiptoe quietly so I don't attract attention to myself.  As I am tiptoeing across the living room in the dark, heading for the front door, I am trying not to bump into anything.  Suddenly the light flicks on which startles me and scares me half to death, making me freeze on the spot.  Gravel is standing leaning up against the kitchen door frame with his arms crossed, frowning at me.  Great!!  I did not hear him come out of his bedroom and back downstairs.  That is just how sneaky he is!

"What are you doing?  Sneaking about behind Macey boys back are we?"  he says sarcastically.  "I'm surprised you have got the energy!  You two have been at it all night!!  What the hell have you been doing to Macey boy up there, killing him?"  

It always really gets my back up every time he calls him Macey boy, which he is doing all the time lately.  Hearing him say it reminds me of the first time that I heard him call Mace that, on the taped conversation that I listened to.  While we are on this subject and I'm thinking about that conversation, it also reminds of something I heard them saying about a sexual encounter that they have had together.  This makes me feel suddenly sick!!  I would love to know what they have done and just how far they have gone and how many times, and especially when!!  One question I will be asking Mace when this is all over!

"Jealous much?!  I notice yours and Coral's noise lasted for all of five minutes!"  I snap at him  "Sex with men is a lot more satisfying obviously!  Maybe you should try it with another man sometime!" 

Gravel really cuts his eyes at me quite nastily for a moment, but he doesn't bite back like I wanted him to.  I don't know why but I really wanted him to admit to me that he has been there with another man, but he didn't.  He just asks me again, politely this time, what I am doing down here.  So I tell him that I can not sleep and I came down to make myself a drink.

I follow him into the kitchen, what else can I do!  I can not really tell him the truth about planning to sneak out and going to my old house, it will probably cause an argument especially when I tell him I'm going to get some photo's of Amber for Slate.

I find it a little strange that he stands just staring thoughtfully out of the kitchen window quietly.  Gravel reminds me so much of our Father standing there like he is, that is exactly what Dad used to do when he had something playing on his mind.  I ask Gravel what he is doing down here like a crooked sneak in the dark and he just says he is thinking.  

Gravel looks like he is miserable and troubled, and I know he is because he didn't bite back when I called him a crooked sneak or had a dig about his sex life.

I make us both a drink, I had hoped he would just go off to bed but he said he wanted one when I asked.  I sit down at the table and start drinking my coffee.  Not exactly the best thing to be drinking when you already can not sleep, but I think now I need to keep my wits about me, with him lurking about down here when he is supposed to be in bed.  It's a very good job that I decided to come downstairs because he could have walked out of the door and I would not have known.  Gravel continues to stare out of the window silently like he is very deep in thought.

"Come out of the window before the neighbours realise you are perving like a dirty letch!!"  

Again he doesn't bite back or crack a smile, he just moves away from the window, sits down silently and starts drinking his coffee.  I just stare at him, he is in a really strange mood.  Come to think about it he has been acting strangely all day.   Earlier he looked really defeated just like he does now, and that sensible conversation that we had about Slate and the baby papers, it really was not normal.  Then I remember what I heard him arguing with Mace about - Tarragon.  I wander if that is what is bothering him, her sudden disappearance.

"What the hell is wrong with you, anyone would think you are love sick!!"  I say to see how he will react and he just laughs quietly.

"Sick of it more like - why do women have to be so complicated, confusing and give you such a damn headache all the time?"  he mumbles quietly

"Why do you think I stick to men!!"  I laugh at him  "So what has Coral done now?"  he laughs quietly and shakes his head then starts drinking his coffee.  He is not even complaining that I have only put one sugar in his cup instead of the three he usually has.  I think I know what his problem is.  "This isn't about Coral is it?!"  he shakes his head but does not say anything.  I am surprised he is actually admitting it to me.  "Who?"  He stays silent, he doesn't answer my question, but he doesn't really need to because I think I already know who.  Now how do I get him to say it.  "Who Gravel?  Please tell me you haven't got more than one on the go!!"

Of course I already know he has, but I can't tell him that.  Tarragon Brownie, Mace's sister who he has told Mace he has been knocking off for the past four years.  She has gone awol on him, because the police have pulled her out from under his nose!!  It obviously must be bothering him.  He rolls his eyes at me then looks down sheepishly.

"You have, haven't you!!"  I snap at him.  

Surprisingly Gravel just nods his head again while he continues to look down like a naughty child.  I didn't expect him to admit it.  Hell it really must be bad and affecting him to make him act the way he has been behaving today.  Especially if he is admitting it to me of all people who he knows will use the information spitefully given the chance, because that is how we have always been with each other!!  We don't share secrets with each other like normal brothers would, because neither of us can be trusted to keep them a secret or not to use them spitefully when we get the chance.

"Who is it Gravel?  It better not be Strawberry again!"  I say to try and trick him into telling me.  "Parsley is a really nice kid and I'm sick of you messing with peoples lives!!"

"NO!  It is not Strawberry!  SHE is nobody that you know so just drop it!!  I think it is over anyway!"  he mumbles  "She has done one, so just forget it!"

"No I don't think I can forget it!!  What the Hell is wrong with you Gravel!!??  Is there never going to be an end to your backstabbing games?!  How long have you been seeing the other one?"  he doesn't say anything as he starts drinking his coffee again.  "Are you trying to outdo everything Dad did, because he had a string of god damn women all over the place!  How he never knocked any of them up, I'll never know, but then I guess you don't have that worry do you!!"  Gravel starts choking on his coffee.  "HOW LONG Gravel?"

"Four years."  he mumbles quietly, he can not even look at me.  Of course I already knew this, but now he has admitted it too me I can have my say, just one of the many things I have wanted to get off my chest since I found out but couldn't.  Why is he telling me the truth so freely?

"BERRY HOLE!!"  I shout at him and he looks nervously towards the door and tells me to be quiet, obviously scared of Coral hearing me.  I realize then that I still have to bite my tongue, I still can't afford to start an argument with him.  "You are totally unbelievable - FOUR YEARS - so why the HELL did you start messing about with Coral and destroy Slates life?  So are you going to tell me you love this one too?"

"No I don't love her, I used to think I did, but ... it's complicated.  Just drop it Gran, I should not have said anything!  Like I said, it is over she has done one!"  he snaps at me

"If you don't love her, then what's the problem? forget her!!"  he rolls his eyes at me "You told me you love Coral, so what about if Coral finds out about her?  Hasn't it done you a favour this other woman doing one?!"  he shakes his head miserably  "I don't get it, why even tell me about her?  Why have you been acting weirdly all day, her doing one is obviously bothering you!!"

"You are a doctor, tell me truthfully, what chance do I seriously actually have of making a baby naturally?"  I frown at him through squinted eyes wandering why he should ask that.  .

"Without looking at your medical files properly, which I've never done, I can't tell you exactly.  I only know what I sat and heard them telling you those few times I went into the hospital with you and they were telling you basically not a cat in hells chance!!"  I snap at him thinking he is just trying to steer the conversation away from the 'other woman'.

"Well can you look for me? Can you get me tested again without anyone finding out?   It has been twenty years since I've been tested and I seriously need to know."  he says which is kind of confusing me.

I remind him that the problem that he has is not one that it going to fix itself, he has got it for life and it is highly unlikely there will be any change.  I also tell him that if this is about Corals babies then he is just going to have to wait like the rest of us, getting him tested is not going to tell him if they are his or not.  I ask him if Coral is giving him a hard time over the baby papers, I'm wandering if she hasn't already realized what she has done and regretting it.  

He shocks me by what he does tell me - this has absolutely nothing to do with Coral's babies at all.

He hesitates a little then he tells me that this is about the 'other woman' who's name he still doesn't tell me.  He says that their relationship has been pretty casual for years and that's the way she wanted to keep it not him, because she's never wanted to move to Sugar Valley.  He says they have been arguing quite badly recently because she is pregnant.  She swears it is his baby and now suddenly she wants things to change, which includes her moving here to Sugar Valley because she says the baby is going to be mixed.  He shit himself because of Coral, so he has told her the truth about his problems and been telling her it can not be his baby and accusing her of sleeping with someone else.  He thought telling her he is not capable of fathering children would make her admit that she has been sleeping with somebody else, but she is adamant she hasn't and it is his baby.  She has been livid with him for not believing her, swears she has not been sleeping around and thinks he is trying to wriggle out of his responsibilities.  I really start laughing because I seriously can not believe that I am hearing him say this.

"It's not funny!!"  he snaps at me  "She's either really pissed with me or I think she might have found out about Coral or something because she has done one.  She is not answering my calls and she has not been home for four days, nobody knows where she is.  The school don't even know where Jas is either, and if they do they are refusing to tell me.  I've checked the house and just their clothes and a few personal things have gone, things that tell me they are not coming back, Jas has taken her Dad's pictures and she doesn't normally when they go on vacation."

"Who is Jas?"  I ask curiously to see what he says as he has mentioned her a few times now.  I know he is talking about Jasmine, Mace's daughter.  I wander why he is being so open with me and skating so close to the truth here!!

"Her niece, who she's got custody of - it's complicated.  I think they have done one, they are pure berry's so they can go anywhere."  he looks at me glumly  "What if she is actually telling me the truth? What if it is my baby? ... I need to find her!!"  

I sit laughing at him - well wouldn't that just be poetic justice if it was his baby!!!  Finally he manages to achieve what eats him up so much and he's never going to see the kid growing up because he is going to be locked up.  I almost hope that she is telling the truth and it is his baby, then he's going to get a taste of his own medicine - he is going to know exactly what he has done to me and how I am feeling over Slate right now!!   Gravel  sits frowning at me because he doesn't have a clue why I am sitting here laughing now almost hysterically!!

"I think that she has taken off because she is livid with me, she is very hot headed and hard to handle when she blows, she fights like a bloke!!"  he rolls his eyes at me.  "I'm scared that when she calms down, which she will, she is going to turn up here and cause all sorts of trouble especially when she finds out about Coral, and trust me when I say trouble, she knows how to dish it out!!"

I suddenly go cold and start to feel sick, wandering if Tarragon is a typical hard, callous, criminally minded Brownie who is keeping up the family tradition.  It sounds like it!!  If she is anything like her Father and Uncles, that is very worrying.  I don't know why but I've always imagined she is as soft as Mace, probably because she is female.  I actually wander how Mace turned out the way he is because even his Mother was as hard as nails, that was one woman who used to scare the hell out of me.  I'm now worried for Coral, even if Gravel is locked up, it won't stop Tarragon from gunning for Coral when it all comes out.  If she is a typical Brownie then she will, you don't upset a Brownie and get away with it!!  They always get even.  I seriously need to warn Cinnamon and El about this!! 

"You make me sick!!  After what you have just done to Slate, breaking up his relationship, when all along you have got this 'other woman'!!  Like that wasn't enough, now you are telling me this ...!!"  

I have to stop myself from saying anymore and what I really want to say.  I nearly slipped up and said something about him bringing more Brownie trouble to our door which would have given the game away completely.  I have to keep telling myself I have to keep calm, the last thing I need is to start an argument and have him storming off out of the house.

If I had just opened my mouth or he leaves the house in a mood and is not here when the police turn up it could mess it all up and give him the chance to go underground which I know is what is worrying Cinnamon the most.

I need to play this in a different way.

"I seriously don't know how you keep getting yourself into these messes!!"  I laugh at him  "Did Slate know about this other woman?"

Gravel shakes his head and says Slate doesn't know about the other woman, he didn't even realize that Gravel was sneaking out of the house at night because he's a really heavy sleeper.  Slate got used to his coming and going at strange hours because he thought it was because of his job.  Gravel starts to tell me things that probably he shouldn't.  He tells me that nobody knows in Sugar Valley, they probably don't even know he's going out into the coded world and if they've seen him they probably think its for police business.  He pulls a brown hat out of his pocket, brown contacts and tells me his jacket is reversible.  I sit there laughing in disbelief.  Then he tells me that only one person, his mate, who I presume is Turmeric or quite possibly Mace, knows about his double life, nobody in Apple Hill knows about Coral like nobody here knows about Tarragon.  

He says her name and I have to sit there and try not to react in anyway.  I can't help but think that this baby thing must have really warped his head because he is being very careless.  I bet I could get him to admit to a lot of things right now but I can't even risk him being suspicious of me knowing anything.  I need to stop this conversation, try and put his mind to rest and pack him off to bed and to sleep where he won't see what is coming to him at 6am!!!

"I guess I could take a look at your medical files, and get you tested again on the sly.  We can see if anything has changed and if your chances have increased any."  he smiles at me.  "But don't hold your hopes up!!  It is more likely that she is not telling the truth!!"  I start laughing at him  "Still the test isn't going to tell you for certain, so I guess you are just going to be waiting on another paternity test!"  he rolls his eyes at me 

"I know Corals babies are going to turn out to be Slates, but, with Tarragon it is different.  The way she has been acting makes me believe she's telling me the truth and it really is my baby."  he mumbles then looks at me strangely  "I need to find her!!"  

I tell him I will help him to sort this mess out tomorrow and we will start looking for her in the morning as well as sort out getting him tested again.  He looks at me a little sheepishly and I think I know why.  He is thinking that probably tomorrow he is going to regret telling me any of this especially when he has to tell me that Tarragon is a Brownie.  He knows that is going to send me off my rocker at him, especially if he tells me that she is a typical Brownie and nothing like Mace!!  But of course, tomorrow is not going to come for him to do anything about this. 

I managed to pack him off to bed, playing on Coral, telling him that we don't need to make her suspicious right now.  I tell him I will wash up the mugs then be up myself.  I laugh in my head a little as he just gets up and strolls miserably off to bed slowly.  I watch him until he disappears up the stairs.  He is seriously getting himself worked up over it which is not like Gravel.  Obviously this whole baby thing is the one thing that unhinges him and makes him weak and stupid.  

I am a little curious as to why Cinnamon or El have not mentioned to me about Tarragon being pregnant, unless it is not noticeable.  Wouldn't that just be ironic, the baby turning out to be his when he will be spending the rest of his life in prison!

I seriously don't get it!  Why has he come clean to me, why has he basically asked me for help?  It really doesn't make sense after everything that I know he has done and is capable of, why can't he sort this mess out in his normal way, he is more than capable.  Why does he need to involve me?  I am wandering if there is not a lot more to this that he just hasn't told me and I'm now worried he isn't leaving me with a whole other mess to clean up!!

I sit for a while at the kitchen table wandering if I should even risk leaving the house now. I start to think about what Slate is going to have to go through later on when this is all over.  Me, Bay and Mango are going to have to sit down and tell him everything about Gravel before the news reaches him via someone gossiping.  We don't doubt that the minute this story breaks it will be around town like wild fire.  Gravel, the upstanding police officer, who is like a pillar of their community, it is going to be shocking news when the truth gets out!!  

Slate is also going to have to be told the truth about me being his biological Father too, and I really don't know how he is going to take that news , especially having to find out that his whole life so far has been one big lie!!  I think Slate having photographs of Amber might make his day a little easier.  I really need to get them tonight!!  I know that it wouldn't take long and I could be there and back in no time before anyone notices.

I go to walk straight out of the front door but stop myself.  Gravel's room is on the front of the house and he might see me through the window.

I don't want him to see me going out of the house so I slip quietly out of the backdoor.  



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