4.2 - The Start of Something Good

I have been crying for what felt like quite a while.  Not really too sure why I am crying exactly, it is probably the relief of finally letting it all out, and being understood.   I am actually really glad as well as relieved that it is all out now, helped by the way that Atlas, Granite, Forrest, Slate and Bay have reacted to it .... it does make me feel a whole lot better about the whole situation and myself. 

Atlas just holds me and lies there quietly and patiently, waiting for me to cry myself out.  I doubt he knows what to say to me about this whole self harming thing, and especially now that he knows I cut myself as recently as a week ago.  I hardly know what to say to him myself.  I am still ashamed and embarrassed, even though they have told me not to be.

There is nothing left for me to admit and there is nothing that Atlas doesn't know.  I can not help but think ... way to scare somebody away!!  I am now worrying about what he might be thinking about me.  I hope he does not now secretly think that I am a right fruit loop and it makes him change his mind about us.  Some people just would not want the hassle.

As my crying calms down, we lie listening to Granite and Slate, now out on the landing again.  I can not help but smile for a moment at Granite playing Slate up for sulking over someone eating the last of the Cheerio's and his Granddad completing the crossword in the newspaper, before Slate has even got a chance to look at it.   Granite tells him he should try one of Mace's cardboard sandwiches then he wouldn't be moaning about eating cornflakes.  Slate always used to crease me and Bay, when we were kids, with his obsession over both Cheerio's and cheese.  I chuckle quietly thinking about what Slate used to do if they ever ran out of his favourite cereal in his house.

"Are you okay?"  Atlas asks, he must be wandering why I am suddenly chuckling to myself while there are still wet tear streaks glistening on my face.

 
"Listening to those two just, I was reminded about something that Slate use to do, when we were kids.  If his Dad ... Gravel let the Cheerio's run out, he would be banging either mine or Bay's door down at 7.30am in the morning, inviting himself round for breakfast."  I chuckle  "It was Berry help me and Bay if both of our houses had no Cheerio's either!!  He was like a woman with PMT for the rest of the day."  I laugh and Atlas laughs with me. 
 
"Saffy ... I'm sorry!!"  He says suddenly, I frown at him worrying what might be coming out of his mouth next.  Is this were he backs right off from our relationship before it has even started?!

"Sorry for what?"  I hold my breath waiting for it.

"If I had known, I would never have forced you to come clean!!  I would have stopped with just the abuse you are getting off the berry hole, I would not have mentioned the self harming.   I thought you had dealt with that and stopped it years ago, I didn't realize ..."

"It's okay!!  It is my own fault for not telling you the truth.  I am sorry, I made you believe I have not done it for years."  a grimace spreads across his face.  "I am not mad with you if that is what you think, I should be, but I am not "  I smile at him and he raises my eyebrows questioningly  "Honestly!!"

"Why?!  I am mad with myself!!  I should never have just blurted it out like that!!  I feel awful, I've upset you and let you down already!!"

"You are really cute, do you know that?"  I laugh at him quietly  "You haven't let me down really, I'm glad you forced it and told them, because I never would have done it.  You are right, it needed to be done and it has taken a great weight off my head as well as helped me to put a few things into perspective ...."

"Saff, I need to ask you so I know what I'm dealing with ... Are you going to do it again?"  he looks worried then sheepish  "And just how bad does it get?"

"Honestly I can't promise that I will never do it again.  I don't want to and I seriously have not done it for years, and never expected to again.  Being back here, having to hide what I am again, having Dad around me 24/7 pecking my head with the same old crap, triggered it off again."  I roll my eyes  "But you don't have to worry, I've never been suicidal and it has never got too out of hand, my Grandparents never knew what I was doing to myself.  It has mostly only ever been one deep cut at a time, sometimes two."  I laugh  "And you don't need to go around hiding all the sharp objects in the house either!!  I have only ever used a razor blade."

"Granite said he will talk to you about it.  He's a doctor so he can get you the right help to deal with it, plus he kind of understands and can relate to what you might be going through mentally."  I frown at him  "He used to be an addict, alcohol and drugs.  He's kicked the drugs but he still struggles with the alcohol addiction."  he laughs  "Which reminds me, I need to tell you before I forget - we are not allowed alcohol in this house, he only has to smell it and he tuns into a green eyed monster."

"Suddenly I do not feel so alone anymore."  I say quietly after I have just lay staring back at Atlas, who is searching my eyes with his own.  "I saw how upset and angry you was getting, and the way they reacted to it.  I never expected it, I thought everyone would laugh at me!! I've never had anyone fighting in my corner before!!"

"Only a berry hole would laugh at you Saff!! You are far from on your own!!  You have us now, and I doubt Crimson, Cherry and Scarlet especially will be very impressed when they find all this out either!!  In fact, you would be surprise I doubt there are many people who would react to it in the way that you think they will!!"  he smiles at me.  "I am sorry Saff but you have just been very unfortunate, in that you have been given Parents and Grandparents who are just selfish berry holes !!"  

"Tell me about it!!"  I roll my eyes  "I bet you got the best parent's too didn't you!!"

"Yeah I did!!"  he laughs quietly, almost guiltily 

"I think I love you!"

"Wow!!  Slow down Cinderella!!"  he stares at me wide eyed  "We are only a few hours into day one and on the first page of that book we are supposed to be reading together!!  You have skipped to the last page already!!"   we both start laughing. "Tell me that again when you have lived with me for a while, or at least given me a chance to try and catch up!!"  he laughs nervously.

I think I have embarrassed him, and probably put my foot right in it.  It is not like he can say it back and mean it, he still loves Mace, I bet he feels as awkward as hell right now.  I am stupid sometimes, I have to go and just blurt that out, like there is not already enough to think about and scare him off!!  

"Talking of living with me, you heard what Forrest said, you need to pack your bags and move in here straight away!!  As soon as you do that, the berry hole can't touch you again, physically or mentally!!"

"I can't can I, not yet anyway!!"  he frowns at me  "Think about it, me moving into a house that already has six gay men living in it, it is going to give the game away straight away.  I want to tell them all at the same time, not have them find out from gossip."  he laughs quietly  "Unfortunately I need to stay put, I only have to suffer it for one more week, then as soon as I have told my brothers and sister, I am out of there!!"  I smile at him  "I actually can't wait to move in here!!"

He grins at me before he starts to kiss me.

Granite bangs on the bedroom door suddenly, making us both jump again, just like he had earlier.  The kissing, which we were starting to get carried away in, stopped abruptly when we jump apart with nervous fright.  We both just look at each other, lie back on the bed and start laughing because he has put a halt to us getting any further again.  Granite tells Atlas not to get too carried away so he forgets the time, he has about an hour and a half then he is needed downstairs.  I do not even wander why he wants or needs him. 

"What do you fancy doing today?"  I ask taking it for granted, in my stupid needy head, that we will be spending the rest of the day together.  "You are right, nobody will suss if we go out as mates ...."  I see his lips twist a little and he puts his finger over my lips to stop me from talking.

"I'm sorry, I am busy for the rest of the day, I have to look after Mace.  There is only me at home all day today.  Bay and Forrest are at work, Granite and Slate are off out somewhere on a bonding mission for the day with Granite's Dad and four brothers."  he smiles at me  "I'm sorry, we can do something tomorrow if you like."

"Tonight?"  I raise my eyebrows and he shakes his head.

"I have already made plans for tonight too."  he cringes  "I promised Jasmine, McBerry's and me and Mace are taking her to the cinema then bowling with her friend Cotton."  he smiles at me. 

"Jasmine?"

"Mace's daughter ... she's eight, and normally here but she is on a sleep over with Cotton, you know Tapestry's little sister."  I raise my eyes wide in surprise.  I did not even know Mace had a daughter.  "I'll phone you tomorrow, after a night out with Mace, I doubt I will be in the mood for anything else afterwards.  He is acting like a total idiot at the moment, and even though it is understandable after what he has been through and what he has ahead of him, I can't bite my tongue after so long and we always end up fighting.  No doubt I'll be in a totally fowl mood later and I don't want to take it out on you."  he smiles at me.  "I think it is the last thing that you need right now!"

Suddenly I can not help but be a little miffed and feel fobbed off.

"So what is happening with us?"  I ask and he frowns at me  "Are we actually seeing each other properly."  he frowns at me in confusion

"Are you seriously asking me that question now?"  he frowns at me  "Did we not also have a conversation about this last night?"

"Yeah but ... I am not sure if you were being serious or not.  You are binning me off and say you will phone me tomorrow, so I thought you might have just been messing about with all the fairy tale stuff and I miss understood."  he rolls his eyes  "I might also have just scared you off with all my shit.  I need to be told exactly how it is!!" 

"Needy, clingy and insecure!!"  he laughs which confuses me   "Bay warned me, he said you have always been very insecure, self doubting and you can be very full on and suffocating!!  He says once you latch on, you are hard to shake."

"Bay talks too much!!"  I laugh but more so at myself  "I know I'm pathetic, Sulfur was always telling me!!  He was always moaning that he couldn't breath, or move without tripping over me because I was always under his feet."  I just stare up at the ceiling in frustration, wandering what the hell I am doing, besides helping to paint an even worse picture of myself.  

"Hey!!"  he says as he runs his finger down my face which makes me turn back to look at him.  "I meant what I said last night, I was not messing about Cinderella!!"  he smirks at me  "I actually don't mind clingy, I can be a little that way myself!!"  he laughs  "At least I'll know where you are and know exactly what you are up to!  You are not the only one with issues!!"  he rolls his eyes  "I get paranoid and have trust and commitment issues."

"What has made you that way?"  I frown at him.

 
"I've had a number done on me in the past, a little similar to the Slate situation, only it was my brother, and it has made me very wary!  Probably one of the reasons why I've been happy to just sit and wait, hoping Mace might have a change of heart, and why I've not been in any rush to get into another relationship.  I am terrified of it happening again!!"  he smiles at me  "I really like you, so you Cinderella had better not make me regret taking a chance on you!!"

"So will these commitment issues of yours allow me to call you my boyfriend?"  he just lies there just staring at me for a while, which worries me a little.

"Yes okay, boyfriend."  he smiles at me  "On one condition ... you are not another one following in the Shine family tradition!!"  I frown at him  "Bikes.  I hear it's like Mother like Daughter,  school bike, town bike ... Strawberry especially, if you are anything like your sister ... "

"Hell no!!  I am not a slut or a cheat!!"  I laugh at him  "I'll be too busy getting under your feet to even notice what or who is going on around me!"  I laugh at myself.

"Good because that is one thing I seriously can not hack and won't tolerate, I don't give second chances!!  One thing I am is totally faithful, hell up until you, I've even been faithful to Mace for the past six years and we weren't in a relationship and he doesn't even love me!!"

"What the hell was that all about earlier, you scrubbing Mace's back in the shower?"  I frown at him, remembering what Granite said earlier now that he has mentioned his name a few times.

"Mace is being an ass at the moment, some days he won't eat, wash, shower, brush his teeth, change his clothes, he kicks up a fuss over everything!!   He is depressed and feeling downright sorry for himself and is trying to shut himself off.  We are scared to leave him alone for a second in case he tries to top himself it is that bad.  We have to force him to do everything, we have to physically put him in the shower and wash him to keep him clean."  Atlas rolls his eyes  "He will only let Me and Granite anywhere near him most of the time and only Granite is allowed to see him completely naked."  Atlas laughs  "He keeps his shorts on when I am with him if that is what you are wandering." 

"So you and Mace, what exactly has gone on between you two?"  I frown at him

The most we have ever done in the past six years truthfully ... I've tried to kiss him twice and both times I got my face slapped for my troubles!!"  he rolls his eyes  "I'm a jerk!!  I thought it was just because he couldn't see past Granite, but I find out recently Coral and your sister aren't the only one's who have had a tumble with Gravel, Mace has too!  Which totally shocked me because I thought he was totally faithful to Granite, plus I find out all along he was married to Granite's sister."  my eyes widen  "Yeah exactly!!  I am pathetic and I think that is what finally woke me up where Mace is concerned!!  He's a player, but it has come back to bite him in the ass because he does genuinely love Granite, and he's lost the both of us."

"Gravel, hell!!  I seriously can not believe half of the stuff I am hearing about that man!  To me he has always just been Slate's Dad and the squeaky clean policeman, he never even had a relationship that we saw when Slate was growing up!"  I laugh  "Hell I didn't even know Forrest was married or his adopted brother!!"

"Yeah I know, a lot of skeletons have been let out of everyone's closets!"  he raises his eyebrows at me  "So are there any skeletons in your closet that I need to know about?"

"Not really, after Bay there have only been two, Butter and Sulfur.  Love does not even come into it because I haven't been in love properly yet."  I roll my eyes at him  "Although I will warn you, Sulfur has had a change of heart and is hassling me right now, even though I have told him to sling his hook."  he frowns at me.  "Here I'll show you."

I grab for my phone which is now on the bedside table, Atlas must have picked it up off the floor when I went out onto the landing earlier to face everyone, while he collected up our scattered clothes, that now lie in one jumbled pile.  I turn on my phone and I am bombarded with bleeps, because of all the missed calls and texts.  I pull up the texts and hand Atlas the phone  He sits up on the bed and starts to flick through the text messages.

"What a Jerk!!  Didn't he dump you?!"  Atlas frowns at me as he lies back down and I tell him yes.  He hands me my phone and I switch it off again.  "It is probably a good job you showed me these, or I would have started getting paranoid over you getting texts from the ex!!"  he laughs quietly  "How long were you two together for?"

"Nearly three years."  I roll my eyes and his eyebrows rise a little  "So what about your bone closet?"  I ask and he laughs

"Don't worry Cinders nothing I haven't swept away a long time ago!!"

"No come on - you are like a closed book, you expect me to tell you things while all your stuff is closely guarded!!  I want to know about this situation with your brother that turned you paranoid!"  he rolls his eyes

"I always wanted kids, and even though I am bi, for a while I stuck to women, hoping I'd find someone I could be happy with, settle down get married and have kids with.  I thought I'd found someone.  Someone who I fell in love with and she didn't freak out at me being bi or hate my odd eyes, I thought she loved me."  he laughs sarcastically  "We got married ..."

"Married!!"  I am shocked, I hadn't realized he had been married.Then I remember he is in his early 30's he has got a good ten years on me.

"Yeah!!  It's actually embarrassing, the marriage lasted four months.  The divorce actually took longer to come through than the marriage lasted."  he laughs quietly  "She tells me she's pregnant four months into the marriage and I am over the moon, until I have a bomb shell dropped on me - she had been having an affair with one of my brothers behind mine and my Sister in Law's back and she wasn't sure who's kid it was."  he screws his face up  "Berry knows why she married me, if she was carrying on with my brother.  I think she used me just to get at my brother, and he was my best man too which took the total piss!!"

"How did you find out?"

"My sister caught them sneaking about while I was at work, she grassed them up!!  In the end it turned out the kid was his not mine, but it didn't matter because I dumped and divorced her ass the minute I found out anyway.  My Sister in Law divorced my brother, then 'they' got married and had another kid, it didn't work out for them either, it seems she is a serial slut, and they are now divorced."  he rolls his eyes  "It caused a lot of friction in our family, as you can imagine and it still does, I have a Niece and Nephew that I can not even look at without being reminded, especially that they should have been mine!!   I haven't spoken to my brother in years and doubt I ever will again!!  I am well over her, it is just the principal of what he did to me - so I know exactly where Slate is coming from!!  If you can't trust your own family, who can you trust!!"

"I'm sorry that is rough!!"  He laughs and rolls his eyes.  I frown at him  "If you want kids, why now get yourself into a relationship with other men?"  You have told me you have had more boyfriends than girlfriends."

"I don't trust women full stop after her and the likes of Coral and your sister just add to my paranoid head.  I know it is not just women, men can be just as bad, just like my brother!!  I don't trust anyone, so I just go with what I prefer, and that is males anyway, I have only had one actually relationship since my marriage and that was another car crash!!  Up until Mace, the rest were one night stands.  I have not actually slept with a woman since her."  he rolls his eyes  "Me not having kids of my own, well that is something I just have to live with, like most gay men."

 Atlas glances at the clock on the wall and pulls a face then he laughs quietly. 

"Boyfriend, you can shag me while we still have time and before Gran comes banging the door down again, then you can sling your hook until tomorrow, I just need one day, then you can have me full time!!"  he smiles at me  "Just not today, because I have a very annoying drama queen to babysit and talk to, and I have to admit, you are way too distracting to have around!!"

"I could always stay and help you baby sit the annoying little shit."  he starts laughing  "I think you like being distracted by me and I have to admit I am very curious to see what this Mace is like!"

"Yeah I bet you are and of course I like the way you distract me as well as want you to stay, but today it's not advisable.  Mace needs to get used to the idea of you before I go ramming you straight down his throat, and I have other stuff to tell him."  he smiles  "I don't mind if you feel the need to send me 101 texts till I see you tomorrow."

I frown at him finding that a strange thing for him to say about Mace, I think he spots my concern and my confusion. 

"At the moment I am the only one who Mace recons is not rubbing his face in it because I don't have a 'love life'.  Since he has been paralyzed from the waist down, understandably his head has been all over the place.  He is really not coping with it and he keeps banging on that the only reason Granite has dumped him is because he's now paralyzed."  he smiles at me  "He knows I love him and if he sees that I am moving on too, and so soon, when I've sat there for six years, my life on hold waiting for him, it's just going to send his head off even more.  He is going to think I'm another one who doesn't want him suddenly because he is paralyzed"  he smiles at me  

"Please tell me you are not planning to hide us from Mace?!"  I frown at him

"Hell No!!  I am not going to hide us, but I really need to sit down and talk to him about us first, I don't want to just spring you on him!"  he laughs  "Besides I've had my orders from Granite, he told me I have to soften the blow first before I go dragging you into Mace's room."

"I saw you two with your heads together on the landing when I came back in here, I guessed it was me you were talking about!"

He smirks at me as he rolls towards me and starts kissing me, he's grinding against me and really getting me worked up and his hand traveling down my body is helping with that.  He suddenly breaks the kiss as his hand goes into my shorts.

"You seriously have nothing to worry about where me and Mace are concerned!!  I don't even like him anymore which is half of the battle won already!!"  he smirks as he grabs hold of my erection quite forcefully.  "But I am warning you, if I see this so much as twitch in another blokes direction, especially Bay or Tapestry's ... I'll chop it clean off and you'll be giving yourself a blow job!!"

I do not even get to say anything or laugh, because he starts kissing me again.

Our kissing gets very heated and it takes us off into that head blowing place, for me anyway, I am not really sure what this is doing for him, but he seems to be making all the right noises.  This time we manage to make plenty of noise without being disturbed, and when it's over we relax on the bed waiting for our bodies to calm down,  I am hoping that nobody has just heard us.  Atlas amuses me because he always crawls into my arms afterwards, and for someone so calm and gentle, he doesn't half become very vocal and makes a lot of noise.

"Maybe we should take off next week."  he mumbles after a while and I frown at him  "Well your Dad is going to be up in the air isn't he when you have let your secret out - maybe we should get out of town for a few weeks, until the dust settles a little."

"Yeah that is not a bad idea!!"  I smile at him  "I am expecting it to get nasty, its not just my secret I am letting out.  I will be showing him up, and everyone will see exactly what he is, the lies he has been telling, just how homophobic he is and the abuse he has been dishing out.  He will probably be after my blood and especially when he finds out I am moving in here of all places and attached to you!!"  I roll my eyes  "Berry knows how my brothers and sisters are going to take it."

"You know I think you are worrying way too much where they are concerned, I know them all, but Crimson, Cherry and Scarlet in particular.  They are all really good friends with Bay and Forrest, and they don't seem to have a problem with the gay thing."  he laughs  "Strawberry least of all, because she seems to be on a mission to get into every gay mans trousers!"

"It's not just gay men, its ALL men, even those she hates!!  I am just glad I am her brother and she can't touch me!!"  we both laugh for a moment.  "I know they don't seem to have a problem with the gay thing, but it's a bit different when it's one of your own, they might not take it so well with it being me."  I mumble.

"We are going to have to be very sneaky until you come out, if anyone sees us together doing anything remotely romantic, within a few days the whole town is going to know - your Maize and Parsley in particular are like washer women, they thrive on gossip."  I laugh wandering how he knows those two so well in particular already  

"So where are you planning for us to go?"  I frown at him  "We are going to have to be very sneaky out in the coded world.  This is a new one on me, you not being yellow."

"Cherry Hill, another colour mix town, where we won't have to sneak about."  he grins up at me  "I was already planning to go home for a few weeks soon anyway.  I have never been away from home for this long before and my Mother is getting all stressy, me being the baby, she suffocates me."  He laughs quietly  "You should come with me to Cherry Hill, you will be able to meet my parents, which is something else she will soon start nagging me about, she like to vet who I am seeing."  he smiles then pulls a face  "I haven't told my Mother yet about my plans to move to Berry Shores, it is going to really upset her, she doesn't like me being here and away from home, but she knows I am stuck here until after the trial.  She's annoyed with me for even being here, she has never liked Mace, even more so now that I was shot because of him." 

"Are you seriously that hell bent on moving to Berry Shores, why not just get your own place in Cherry on the other side of town, if seeing Mace's old house is what you want to avoid seeing.  If I had good parents I wouldn't want to move away from them."
 
"It's not just their house, we have trampled all over Cherry, there are reminders of him everywhere, and I'm learning a lesson from Forrest's mistakes, reminders only haunt you and keep you hanging on.  I need a complete clean break!!"  he smiles at me  "I do plan to go back to Cherry one day, I could not stay away for ever and I know my Mother is going to nag me something chronic until I do go home.  I just need to get it all out of my system first, I have it planned in my head that when I have completely moved on then I can move back to Cherry." he glances up at me  "Maybe that might be happening a lot quicker than I expected it too."

"Hell I hope so!!  I better get working on making you fall in love with me quick smart then, so that you don't upset your Mother for too long."  I grin at him as he lies there laughing at me.  "So when are you thinking of taking me to be inspected by your Mother."  he laughs "Hell I hope she likes me!"

"I think she will."  he laughs as he grins at me

"Don't your parents mind you being with men?"

"No.  I've always been open about what I am, I had boyfriends and girlfriends while I was at school.  My parents don't care as long as I am happy."  he laughs  "My Dad recons My Mother has turned me this way molly coddling me too much.  The only thing that disappoints them is that I won't be making them any Grandchildren, but it's not like they don't have enough with the ten they already have."  he looks up at me ."I have three brothers and a sister if I haven't already told you."

"No you didn't."  I smile at him "So when are we going?"

"I was thinking of jumping on the same flight as Gran and Mace at the end of next week anyway."  I frown at him  "Granite needs to go back to Cherry to tie up all the lose ends with their house and his job.  He is taking Mace home for a few weeks to try and cheer him up a bit, to see if he can bring him back out of himself."  he rolls his eyes  "Forrest is seriously not impressed, especially as he can not get the time off work to go with them.  You might notice things are very tense between Gran and Forrest right now, but I will say one thing for Gran, he seems to be really looking out for Mace, he's actually putting Mace before Forrest which really shocks me!!"

"Is Mace even allowed to leave Sugar Valley, he's out on bale isn't he?"

"They have got permission, from the courts, to take him out of Sugar Valley because Shale and Elderberry are going with them, so there will constantly be a police presence and he can't do a runner.  Slate, Turmeric and Jasmine are going with them too."  he smiles at me  "We don't even have to see them or spend any time with them while we are there, no doubt my Mother and big sister will suffocate me and I have loose ends of my own to tie up."

"Who is Shale?"

"Granite's Dad, he's a Chief Constable, he's way up there at the top of the ladder in the force and you know Elderberry is the Chief officer in charge of his case, as well as Mace's new best mate."  he laughs quietly  "Shale has pulled a few strings and he and El have put their necks on the line, to guarantee his return, not that they need too because Mace has no intention of doing a runner, he wants to serve his time and get it all off his back so he can live the rest of his life a free man."

The door bangs again, and we are not really surprised when it is Granite again, he says he needs a word with us.  We have to quickly pull on our boxer shorts before Atlas tells him to come in.  Granite comes into the room chuckling to himself.   I am amused that he brings in a plate containing six pieces of French Toast and a large mug of coffee.

"Seeing as you can't come down to eat."  he rolls his eyes as he puts the mug and plate down on the bedside table.  "You will have to share the coffee, but I found the biggest mug I could find.  Mace is in the living room, he would have seen me bringing up two mugs.  I have told him you have got a bad headache, he thinks I'm bringing you pills and making you eat first."  he laughs at Atlas  "Mace cooked this especially for you." 

"Hell I am highly honoured and it's French Toast!!  I am shocked you actually got him to do anything!"  Atlas grins a Granite  "Or is he still trying to butter me up?"

"Yes I'm afraid so, so it is really important you let him down as gently as you can!!  He is in quite a good mood today, however, I doubt that is going to last very long."  he smirks at me then  "You will never guess what happened ealier.  We have had the yellow berry hole banging the door down all guns blazing looking for you."  Granite starts to laugh

"Does he know I'm here?"  I stare at him wide eyed  "You didn't let on you know about me being gay did you?"

"No.  Your secrets is still safe."  he laughs  "I told him I didn't even know he had a yellow son called Saffron.  I told him I've never heard of you let alone seen you."  a cheeky grin spreads across his face.  "and I behaved ... sort of" 

"What have you done?"  Atlas laughs at Granite  "Why did he come here looking for Saffron?  Only Tapestry and Bay knew about us, and neither of them would tell him especially!!"  

"I should say he was just chancing his luck because the house is full of gay men you wally!!"  Granite laughs at Atlas  "He didn't let on about you being gay Saffron, he came using the excuse that you have gone missing.  He recons nobody has seen you since yesterday afternoon, and your phone is switched off.  He thought you might be here with Bay or Slate because you are old school mates."  he starts roaring with laugher 

"His back went straight up when I opened the door dripping wet in just a towel cause I'd just got out of the shower with Mace, and he could see Mace sitting there in a towel also wet, when he came wheeling himself to the door being nosy.  The berry hole started swearing at me, telling me I'm an abomination and I have no morals!!"

"Tell me you haven't been fighting with him Gran!!"  Atlas rolls his eyes

"No, I wound him up instead, it stopped me from knocking his block off, which is what I really wanted to do."  he laughs  "I asked him if he wanted to join me and Mace in the bedroom, because he needs educating.  I told him we don't charge first timers and we'd be gentle with him."  he starts laughing  "He didn't take it too well, especially when I told him he'll get the best blow job he's ever had in his life off Mace.  He soon did a runner."  

Granite stands there howling, it makes me laugh too.  Then he turns all serious.

"Atlas you need to get a wriggle on.  We will be leaving shortly, we are just waiting on you to get your act together.  I don't want Mace left on his own for a minute."  he smiles at Atlas  "Don't forget, Mace is not to see you with Saffron until you have spoken to him, which needs to be done today ... all of it!!"  he rolls his eyes  "We might as well get all the upset done in one go.  I can see me having a sleepless night with him tonight.  You will have to phone me if he starts to rock and roll and I'll come right home."

Granite goes to walk out of the room then he suddenly stops and smirks.

"Oh and you two ... "  he stands with his hand on the door half in and half out of the room  "You need to practice a little volume control!!"  he starts roaring with laughter  "Hell and I thought Mace was loud!!  It sounded like you were murdering each other!!"

Granite walks out of the room in hysterics, we can hear him laughing all the way down the corridor and stairs.  Me and Atlas just stare at each other before we burst up laughing.

Now I am seriously embarrassed!!

Atlas jumps in the shower while I sit eating toast while I am trying to repair my broken trouser zip, the button I manage to find and sew back on.  The T shirt was unrepairable and unwearable.  I ended up stitching it up, just to hold it together, with the intention of wearing it back to front and hope that nobody would notice.

While I take a shower Atlas goes down to make sure Mace is somewhere that he can not see me, he comes back up just as I am getting dressed.

"Mace is in his room with the door closed, Slate is keeping him occupied while we sneak you out."  he smiles then starts to grin at me  "After today, we won't have to do anymore sneaking about in this house."

"Is it okay if I pinch some of your aftershave." 

"Yeah of course, knock yourself out!!  You didn't need to ask boyfriend."  he laughs at me for a second then frowns  "I hate turfing you out knowing that the berry hole is on the war path looking for you!!  I would let you stay, but I seriously need to talk to Mace and calm him down first - me and Gran both think he is going to make a right drama out of this!!"  

I frown wandering why Mace would actually take Atlas seeing someone so badly.  I know Atlas has explained but still, surely he won't get as upset as they are making out. So confused I ask him

"It's not just you I have to tell him about, its me moving to Berry Shores and cutting all contact with him once he's send down.  We have been best mates for six years and we know it is really going to upset him.  I was going to leave it closer to the time, but he's been banging on for over a week now and he has got this stupid idea about me moving to Orange Falls with him.  So Granite thinks I need to put him straight now before he gets too carried away with it."

"Don't worry about me, you just do what you have to do.  I'll be fine, I'm not going to go straight home anyway.  I'm going to pop round to spend some time with Crystal and Vanilla.  If they are busy I'll pop round to Cherry's, she always appreciates a hand with the triplets."  I smile at him  "If Dad is there, he has to act normally, he can not say or do anything unless there is nobody else around."

I have to leave the house even though I do not really want to, I am beginning to really like it here!!  I really can't wait now for this week to be over so that I can get my brothers and sisters told and move in here.

Granite amuses me, when he takes me out through the back door.  There is a gate that leads out onto an alleyway, which will bring me out in a completely different street, so nobody will realize I have come out of this house, which helps to keep my secret safe.  I know which alley way this is, it is going to bring me out right opposite Gravel's house, which is now all boarded up.

"I guess we will see you tomorrow."  Granite grins at me  "If the berry hole lays into you, just get out of there Saffron you don't have to take it!!  You can come back here if you need to, just don't let Mace see you until Atlas has spoken to him!"

I smile at him as he smiles at me before closing the gate between us.  I walk, almost skip down the alley way and I can not help but grin to myself.

Suddenly things are starting to look good!!

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Song - Start of Something Good _ Daughtry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



 

4.1 - I Just Want You to Know Who I am ....

I slowly drift out of an enjoyable deep sleep, because I am being woken up by Atlas and his roaming hand, which is even more enjoyable.  As I open my eyes slowly, he is hovering over me with a huge grin on his face. 

"Morning Cinderella."  he smirks at me

He did not even give me a chance to speak, he starts to kiss me and our hands, mouths and bodies do all the rest of the talking.  We are just about to start making some noise when we are interrupted, and annoyingly have to stop what we are doing.   Neither of us are too amused as we lie now side by side, totally frustrated, completely wound up sexually, and there is not a damn thing we can do about it, without giving ourselves away. 

I glanced at the clock on the wall and am amused to see it is only 6.15am, yet there is an almighty racket going on outside Atlas's bedroom door. 

Atlas puts her arm around me as we lie on the bed, quietly staring up at the ceiling, while we wait for our bodies to cool down, as we listen to the commotion going on, out on the landing right outside Atlas's bedroom door.

"Here we go!!  You don't get the luxury of lie ins or over sleeping in this house."  Atlas mumbles quietly  "Granite is everyone's alarm clock!" 

It sounds like there is a herd of elephants trampling up and down the stairs, along with the playful bickering that is going on over who is using the bathroom straight opposite.  The old man, whoever he is, is irritating them, by taking a bath in the downstairs bathroom.  Bay and Forrest are moaning that they should get to use the bathroom first, because they are going to work.

Forrest, Bay and Slates voices, surprisingly I recognized straight away, but the fourth voice I do not know, so I presumed it belongs to Granite, Forrest's husband, who I have heard quite a lot about, but have never seen or met.  It helps that I keep hearing the name Gran branded about especially by Forrest.

I am finding it very hard not to laugh, especially at Granite who seems to have a lot to say for himself, most of it funny.  He seems to be mischievously playing everyone up, especially Forrest who he is trying to get in the shower with him, and what he is saying is cracking me up so much at one point, Atlas had to put one of the pillows over my face to stifle my laughter.  

I feel happy, relaxed and comfortable being here, but at the same time I can't help but feel a little sad.  This house is in stark contrast to my own so called 'family home', which I can never remember being a happy place, not like this house.  Here all you can hear is happy laughter, all my ears are ever greeted with at 'home' is screaming and shouting because all anyone ever does in that house is fight and argue, and it has never been any other way.

Atlas's bedroom door bangs quite violently suddenly, as it starts to shake with the vibration of the hit, which makes both me and Atlas nearly jump out of our skin.  I hear a lot of giggling going on outside the door.

"Come on Maps!! Wakey Wakey rise and shine!!"  Granite shouts as he bangs on the door again, probably with his fist.  "Get that cute ass of yours out of your pit before I come in and rape it!!" 

"Go away Gran, it is way too early for your shit!!"  Atlas shouts in reply as he sits up on the bed and stares at the door.

"I'm coming in, don't say I didn't warn you!!"  Granite says loudly laughing then rattles the door handle as he tries to open the door.  "Eye Up!!  Atlas has locked his door ... Hey Maps, are you talking to your hand again?"  

I can hear hysterical laughing out on the landing so I am guessing they are all still out there, it is killing me not to laugh with them.  Atlas has already told me it is a laugh a minute living in this house, especially with Granite because he is a joker apparently and never stops winding everyone up and playing pranks.

"Get lost Gran!!  You berry hole!!"

"Our little drama queen is downstairs waiting for you, he needs a shower.  You haven't got time to be pulling one off"  he laughs loudly  "If you ask Mace nicely, while you are scrubbing his back, you never know your luck, he might just help you out and loan you his hand!!"

"Grow up Gran!!"  Atlas mumbles as the door handle rattles again.  I glance up at Atlas because I am surprised by what Granite has just said about him scrubbing Mace's back in the shower, and see an expression of annoyance flash across Atlas's face for a moment.

"Come on Atlas open up, you know I hate talking to doors!!"  he starts howling  "What are you doing in there?  Tell me you finally got laid ... are you hiding someone in your room, you don't usually lock your door!!"

"Get lost Gran!  I am not in the mood for your childish hyperactive rubbish this morning!!  Go and wind somebody else up!!"

"Actually Gran, I think you might have just hit the nail on the head."  I hear Bay laughing  "Hey Atlas ... have you got your spicy dirty secret in there with you again?"  Atlas slaps his head and throws himself back on the bed.  "I am sure I heard a racket coming from your room last night!!"

"Thanks Bay!!  Just tell everyone why don't you!!"  I hear Bay laughing again as Atlas shouts at him.  "Remind me never to trust you again blabber mouth!!"

"Chill out!!  I don't have to tell them WHO do I!!  But Atlas, there really is no need for your secret to hide from us!!  I think you know we will keep stum!!"  he laughs  "Hey sweet cheeks, phone me, we need to talk and you have been avoiding me lately and I want to know why!!"

Now it is my turn to throw myself back on the bed.  I know that was aimed at me and I can't believe he just called me sweet cheeks.  This has Atlas frowning at me.  

"Sweet cheeks?"  Atlas continues to frown at me.

"I don't know why he called me that, it is actually what I used to call him because of all the blushing he used to do."  I whisper as I smile at him and he laughs quietly.

We just lie there again listening and giggling at the new commotion now going on out on the landing, Bay sounds like he is getting mobbed for answers.   Who is using the bathroom suddenly seems to be forgotten as Forrest, Slate, and especially Granite are badgering Bay trying to find out who Atlas has hiding in his room. 

Atlas rolls towards me and starts to kiss me.  We try to ignore them, but it is very hard when Granite starts performing again, rattling the door handle and shouting amongst other things that he is going to throw a party because Atlas has finally pulled his head from up his ass and got himself laid.  I have to break the kiss because he has made me laugh.  Atlas starts grinning at me.

"You know Bay is right, you can let them see you, they will keep it a secret, they will understand more than most remember!!  You are one of us after all."  Atlas smiles at me  "They all hate Sunny, who has given them all stick for being gay, me and Slate have both copped it for being bi!!"  he runs his hand over the bruises on my stomach  "You know they will be on your side, and it will make our life a hell of a lot easier if we don't have to sneak about in this house until you come out into the open!"  he smiles at me

"Come on Maps!!  Now you know I'm staying here until I find out who is stupid enough to finally let you get laid."  Granite is howling outside the door  "Why are you hiding whoever, and how spicy is this dirty secret of yours I wander!!??"

"Atlas just tell me you have not got Coral or Straw in there!!"  Slate snaps as he bangs on the door.  "Bay you can't drop hints like that then back off and not tell us!!" 

This makes both me and Atlas laugh, especially him mentioning my sister.  Bay has made this situation worse, he could have kept his mouth shut and I could have sneaked out after they had left the house without them knowing, now he has them all wound up with wanting to know who is in here.  I am actually surprised that Slate did not pick up on the 'sweet cheeks' hint that he dropped, if Slate thought about it, he would know who is in here with Atlas.  

We lie there giggling as they start to debate over what sex I am.  They are convinced I am female because there are no other gay men in this town that they know to.  That is what they think!! 

"I've told you I am saying NOTHING!!"  Bay starts to really laugh.  "But don't worry, it is neither of the bikes.  Oh berry!!  You Slate are going to be as shocked as hell when you do see who it is!!"

"You know we might be stuck in here permanently naked like you mentioned last night!!"  Atlas rolls his eyes at me  "Some prince I am turning out to be, trapped in my own tower on day one."  Atlas starts laughing  "Don't be surprised Cinderella, if Granite doesn't come at that door with a screw driver either."

"Come on Maps ... you don't hide people unless there is a reason!!"  Granite bangs on the door again.   "Who's Wife, Mother or Sister are you shagging?" 

"I hope you realize that this, and especially Granites antics, is what you have to look forward too if everything goes pear shaped with your Dad next week, at your coming out party, and you have to move in here."  Atlas laughs at me  "I seriously think you should show them your skirt wifey!!"

"Oh what the hell!!"  I laugh at him as I jump off the bed and pull Atlas off with me.  I am very curious to see how Bay and Slate have grown up and what this mad husband of Forrest's is like up close.  "They best had keep this quiet!!"

"They will!!"  he smiles at me  "Trust me!"

I move over to the door and turn the lock then hold my breath before I open the door.  The four of them are in a huddle on the landing badgering Bay to spill.  I walk out into the hallway and just stand there as they suddenly go quiet and all turn to stare at me.  

All eyes are now on me and suddenly I remember something which hits me hard and I can feel the blood draining out of my system as I start to feel self conscious and wish I had put more clothes on.  How stupid have I been to come out here without covering my legs!!  So wrapped up in the moment of being happy, I had totally forgotten about it for a short while.  Thankfully they all just stand there staring at my face, I bet their first surprise is that I am not female, and of course Slate and Forrest don't have a clue that I am gay.
 
Bayleaf starts grinning then laughing at me.  He hugs me as I grin and laugh back at him.  It is hard to take him in, I am surprised by all the muscles and how beefed up he is, when he used to be such a skinny kid, he looks like he works out as much, if not more than I do.  His eyes are still bright and piercing and he is also a lot cuter than I remember him being. 

Slate, who has not really changed all that much, only in height, frowns at me, I am not sure if he does recognizes me at first, either that or he can not take it in, me and here in this situation.  I laugh and say 'sweet cheeks' to him, suddenly he reacts, his eyes almost pop out of his head and his mouth drops open, then he digs Bay in the side, who just laughs at him.

Forrest, does not seem to have changed one bit, he actually does not look like he has aged a day since I last saw him, but obviously he has.  I wander for a moment if he would actually recognize me, I was a teenager the last time he would have seen me.  He is staring wide eyed at me then he starts chuckling, which turns into quite loud laughter. 

Granite surprises me, he has a damn cute face, which makes me do a double take, he looks nothing like I imagined he would.  So this is Slates real Dad, I can actually see it, Slate is very much like him, but Granite is better looking somehow.  He is just standing there checking me out and looking me up and down, like a proper gay bitch.  I hope it is because he does not have the slightest idea about who I am.  I also hope he is not looking too carefully!!  Atlas joins me and puts his arm round me.

"Satisfied now!!"  Atlas laughs at them  "Meet my not so dirty secret, but more a closet one, and as you can see, he is nobody's wife!!"  they start laughing  "Thanks Bay by the way, big mouth!!"

"What the hell Saffy!!  Since when!!"  Slate breaks the ice.  He amuses me, he is seriously shocked.  "Mate what are you playing at!!  You are straight!!"

"I've never been straight mate!!"  I laugh at him  "I'm as gay as they come!!" 

"Oh fudge!!  This is so damn hysterical!!  he cracks up 

"I could say the same about you Slate!! I never expected you to start batting for the other side as you were the only one out of the three of us who actually enjoyed kissing Coral!!"  he laughs at me

"She's probably the reason why all three of us have jumped ship!!"  Slate mumbles which makes everyone else laugh except for himself.

"Bay I see you got your man finally!!"  I grin at him for a moment before I frown at him  "Have you seriously never told Slate about us?"

"No mate - besides your old man knowing, I've only ever told Storm and Tapestry the full story, and me and Atlas spoke about it after I saw you sneaking out of here last week, because you had already told him about us."  he smirks at me then rolls his eyes at Slate who is now frowning at him, and not in a nice way.   

"He was here last week?"  Slate is shocked 

"Oops, that has probably now just dropped me into heaps of trouble, for keeping secrets, especially with it being you."  Bay mumbles as he looks sheepishly at Slate

"You knew that Saffy is gay, and that he was here shagging Atlas last week and you did not think to tell me about it!!"  Slate stares at Bay wide eyed 

"I'm Sorry!!  Saff is still in the closet ... obviously because of his old man, the less people that knew the better, me and Tap have always kept his secret closely guarded!!" 

"How the hell did Tapesty get to know when I didn't!?  I thought the three of us were tight, now I see you two had secrets I was not privy too!!"  Slate frowns at me then Bay  "And what is this US all about ... You and him seriously?! ... Have you slept with him?!  Please tell me you haven't!!??"   Slate suddenly looks angry.

"Yeah ... we have."   Bay mumbles sheepishly as his cheeks starting burning, which amuses me but it does not impress Slate very much   

"Where the hell was I Bayleaf?!"  he snaps

"Chill out Slate not since we were fourteen!!"  I tell him to calm him down, I think he might be thinking that it has been recently.  "Slate, you were far too busy mooning over Juni to even see what me and Bay were getting up to right under your nose on the sly!  What did you think me and Bay were doing when we kept skipping school together."  I laugh at him as he starts scowling at me.  

"Great!!  This is all I needed!!  I am paranoid enough because of what that bitch did to me ...."  Slate snaps 

"Slate seriously don't sweat!!  There is nothing to be paranoid about!!"  

I cut his words off because I think I know exactly what he might be about to say.  He is not going to trust me and Bay anywhere near each other from now on!!  I guess I can understand that after what Coral and Gravel did to him. 

"That is easy for you to say!!"  he snaps at me  "Now I know how Forrest feels having Mace in the house!!"

"Me and Bay were never anything serious and we were over when I moved to Sugar Falls.  I have got no designs on your boyfriend and neither of us plan on a repeat performance.  I am more than happy with Atlas and Bay has always been way too hung up on you, even when we were kids!!  I was only ever make do for him because you were playing straight mate!!"  I smile at him  "I'm seriously happy that it worked out for you guys!!"

"We were both making do Slate!!  Saffy was also hung up a straight guy too, unfortunately he did not get lucky like I did, his guy is as straight as!!"  Bay laughs quietly as does Atlas because he knows who Bay is talking about.  "Just like me and Storm, we were sticking together thinking we could not have who we wanted, as well as thinking we were the only gays in the village, so why not.  It was not like we were in love or anything we were just ... " 

"Experimenting and exploring our sexuality together."  I finish the sentence off for Bay when he becomes stuck looking for the right words.

Slate stares between the two of us suspiciously a few times before he pulls Bay to one side and they start muttering to each other.  I am amused that Slate looks angry with Bay at first, he obviously thinks I am now a threat to him and their relationship, which I am most definitely not!!  It is taking me a while to get my head around seeing them together as a couple.  I think I can already tell who wears the trousers in their relationship, Slate. 

I see Slate look at me wide eyed a few times, then he starts to crack up and have hysterics, I imagine I know exactly what story Bay has just told him.

Granite is making me feel really uncomfortable as he is continuously staring at me with an odd expression on his face, and I can not help but stare back, wandering why he is looking at me like he is.  At first I thought he was being a slag, now I think maybe he is just worried now like Slate and suddenly thinks that I am a threat to Bay and Slates relationship.  Either that, or he has noticed what I hope none of them see!!

"Well this is a very big turn up for the books Saffron!!"  Forrest starts laughing  "I always thought you were straight, you definitely kept this very quiet!!  I am going to ask the same question as Slate - since when?!"

"Since always!!"  I laugh at him  "I was forced to keep it a secret, it still is a secret, you know what my old man is like, my brothers and sisters still don't have a clue!!"  I roll my eyes at him as he starts laughing quietly   "To split me and Bay up and to stop anyone finding out I am gay are the real reasons why my parents sent me away, not for the bullshit reason he sold and is still selling everyone."

"Are you going back to Sugar Falls or is your stay in Sugar Valley permanent?"  Forrest smiles at me.

"No, I am hopefully going to Berry Shores with Atlas after the trial, or Cherry Hill if things don't work out with us.  I am done with this town and Sugar Falls, I can't hack the coded world, Dad should never have dumped me out there with my yellow Grandparents!!"

"Well is someone going to introduce us?  I am at a disadvantage here as you all seem to know him and I have never seen this guy before."  Granite suddenly mumbles as he smiles at me.

"Well I don't think I have met you before, but I feel like I have, because you look vaguely familiar to me."  Granite continues to mumble as he frowns at me. 

"Sorry, Granite, this is Saffron Shine, he went to school with Slate and Bay, the three of them used to knock about together, a bit like the three musketeers they were."  Forrest laughs  "He looks a lot like his Dad, that is probably why he seems familiar to you."

"Please tell me you just said SHINE!!"  he is staring at me wide eyed  "Please tell me you are related to the yellow homophobic berry hole!!"  he starts laughing

"Yes I'm afraid so,  Sunny is my old man!!"  I mumble quietly. 

"I'm sorry!!  I guess I should not be bad mouthing your old man to your face!"  he starts to look a little awkward and embarrassed  "However, I am not going to deny I will continue to badmouth the twat when I think you are not listening!!"

"Bad mouth away, don't stop on my account!!  I'll probably help you, I hate the guy!! There is nothing that you can say that I probably have not thought or said myself!!"  This totally cracks Granite up, he is doubled over and having hysterics.

"Oh Berry!!  YOU have seriously just made my day!!"  he can hardly speak for laughing  "Wait till I see that opinionated sanctimonious jerk again!!  Laying into us for being gay when all along he has been hiding his gay son in the wardrobe!!"  Granite continues to laugh.

"Saffron, if you don't mind me saying."  Granite mumbles quietly when he has calmed his amusement down.  "I could not help but notice all the bruises around your abdomen ... I'm a doctor and I'm concerned that some of those bruises look pretty nasty."

"Oh, those, they are nothing!"  

I try to laugh it off, now I am embarrassed as well as definitely wishing that I had put more clothes on!!  I realize the bruises are probably the reason why he was checking me out so intensely.  How do I stand here and tell them my Dad still tries to beat me even though I am an adult.  I am usually wearing clothes so nobody gets to see them and in the commotion earlier I forgot about them.

"They don't look like nothing to me!"  Granite frowns at me

"Nor me!"  Forrest mumbles  "Especially as there are so many!"

"There is a lot of random bruising there and that large one looks pretty nasty, there could possibly be some internal bleeding going on there."  I frown down at me bruises  "How and when did you do them and how hard a blow was it?  Is there constant pain behind that bruise, or is it only painful to the touch?"

"It is just painful to the touch."  I mumble  "I forget they are there most of the time.  It was just a stupid scrap, a few silly digs, that's all."

"Saff you seriously need to tell him the truth!!"  Atlas mumbles and I just stare at him and shake my head, irritated that he has said anything.  We have talked about this and he said he would not force me!! "He's a doctor, he is not stupid, I think he can see all those bruises haven't come from a few digs and have been done at different times!!"   

"I said I would let it out when I am ready Atlas!!"   I frown at him.

"Saff please!!  These are the best people and the best place to do it!!  They will understand more than most!!"  he smiles at me as he takes a hold of my hand and I shake my head  "Please Saff, you will feel better once it's out and I can't just stand here while you cover for that twisted berry hole and say nothing!!"  I just pout at him  "If you can't do it, I can always do it for you if you prefer!!"  

I just close my eyes. After a few moments I nod my head, telling him to do it and grit my teeth, knowing what is about to come out of his mouth.  What choice has he left me, but I guess he is right, it has to come out eventually and these are probably the best people to let it out to, being gay themselves, if don't understand then nobody will!!

"Last week he had bruises all over his chest and stomach.  It's not just a few digs.  Since the age of fourteen it has been years of constant beatings and bruises, even broken ribs.  He has been suffering years of physical and mental abuse off the yellow berry hole because he doesn't like the fact that Saffron is gay!!"  Atlas tuts    "He's probably in for another beating when he gets home, for being out all night and practicing his gay filth as the berry hole calls it.  So don't be surprised if he has even more bruises tomorrow!!!"

"Make me sound pathetic, why don't you Maps!!"  I frown at Atlas then laugh sarcastically  "I do fight back now, it's not like he beats me anymore!!  He forgets himself sometimes and we end up having punch ups, which he does always start, but he comes off a lot worse than I do these days.  Hence the split lip he's been walking around with all week."

"Please DON'T start defending and making excuses for him  Saff!!  Even if he is your Dad it still does not give him the right, he should not be constantly hitting you at all and especially not just because you are gay and it does not suit him!!"  Atlas pulls a face at me  "Only an ignorant narrow minded cretin would try to beat being gay out of anyone!!  That's twisted!!  And you seriously need to understand that nobody will think that this is your fault, nobody will laugh at you or think any less of you because you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about!!"  he smiles at me  "HE is the one that should not be sleeping at night, not you!!  The more you keep hiding it or trying to cover it up, you are helping that twisted berry hole to get away with it, you are giving him the rope to carry it on!!  He needs to be stopped!!

Atlas almost starts to choke as he glances at me for a moment before he points to my legs and tells Granite to take a good look at the scars on my legs.  Here we go!!  All I can keep thinking at first is, please don't notice ... please don't notice.  I stand cringing with my eyes closed, because I think that this is the thing that I want to keep hidden most, and what I would have had trouble admitting and telling anyone.

"Then we get to the self harming and what the berry hole mentally drove Saffron to do to himself having to suffer his physical and mental abuse alone.  His Mother and Grandparents knew about the abuse the berry hole was dishing out to Saffron and the sick berry holes turned a blind eye to it and just let it carry on!!"

Atlas is now genuinely upset which stops me from being angry with him for forcing the issue and leaving me with no choice but to let him give away my deepest darkest secret, one that only he knows.  

All four of them are now standing silently staring at my legs, in painful disbelief.   I just want a large hole to open up in the floor to swallow me whole, because like Atlas said, I am ashamed and embarrassed that they now know what he does to me and what I have done to myself.

 "Hell Saff!!"  Slate mumbles  "Mate!!  You should have told me and Bay what was going on, we were your best mates, you know we would have helped you!!  Is that why you just totally ditched us when you went to Sugar Falls?"

"I didn't have a choice.  He smashed up my phone when he took me to Sugar Falls so I couldn't contact anyone, especially Bay and my brothers and sisters.  He didn't want anyone to know I am gay."

The scars on my legs are pretty bad in places, and it is not like they are easily missed, there are so many.  I have always told people who have questioned me about the scars in the past that I was climbing and fell through a glass roof when I was a child, of course that is far from the truth!!  Not even Sulfur knew the truth, nobody but me and my razor blade knew what I was doing to myself, and Atlas is the only person that I have ever been able to admitted it too. 

  
I struggled emotionally when my parents first sent me to Sugar Falls and tore me away from my life, family and friends.  I hated being separated from them, especially my brothers and sister and being dumped with Grandparents that I had only ever seen a few times during my life up until then.  Grandparents who were not very amused with their eight Grandchildren because of us being mixed berry's.  What I hated more were Dads twice weekly visits, which were hours, sometimes whole days of beatings and mental abuse.  I felt very alone, worthless and unloved.

For a while, in the early years, my Dad used to make me totally hate myself and especially for being gay.   I believed I deserved what was happening to me, all of this was my own fault.  I started to fall for the crap that he was preaching and trying to brainwash me with, but of course I am gay and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to change it, even if I wanted to.  I shut myself off, became numb, and the only time I could feel anything was the pain that I felt when he hit me.  So I went into self destruct mode and started inflict pain on myself, because the pain was the only thing that felt real.  I was slashing up my legs using a razor blade, it almost became an addiction, and in an odd way it was the only time that I was happy or felt in control of my life.

The self harming went on for years until I met Butter at college, who helped me mentally more than he even realized and showed me it was perfectly okay to be me and gay and that my Dad was talking a total load of crap!!  His family were very accepting of him being gay.  I never told Butter the truth, I always had excuses for the new cuts that appeared on my legs, but I think deep down he knew.  The cuts became less and less until I managed to stop completely, probably because I was a lot happier in my mind.

Butter moved away with his parents because his Father was relocated with his job.  Him leaving and moving away nearly destroyed me and I think I would have started to hurt myself again regularly, but I found a better way to do it, I replaced the blade with the gym.  I found another way to continue to hurt myself that did not leave tell tale scars.  

I am not an athletic person, and if truth be told I hate any form of physical exercise.  I don't enjoy doing it one little bit, so I have to force myself, which is part of the pain, and I started working out and pushing my body painfully beyond it's capabilities, until I was in totally agony from over doing it.  Not only did it give me a way to feel pain and vent out my anger and frustration but it helped me to build myself up so that I could fight back.  The physical blows that Dad delivered did not hurt so much and I could hit back and hurt him as much as he was hurting me.

"Atlas is right Saffron!!  Hiding it lets him off the hook and he needs to be stopped, and not just for your sake!!  I have a self destruction friend too, mine is alcohol so I understand how hard this is for you to live with, and how easily you can be drawn back into it."  Granite is staring down at my ankles as he speaks.  I think he knows, he is far from stupid!!  He looks up at my face then and smiles  "You do not have to tell everyone or even anyone else about the self harming if it upsets you, and we can keep this between ourselves and it never needs to leave this room, if it makes you feel more comfortable.  However, you can not hide his abuse from your brothers and sister, for their children's sake"  Granite smiles at me again  "They need to be warned!!  It only takes one of them to be gay, and the berry hole could do to them what he has done to you!!"   

"Saffron you shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed."  Forrest says as soon as Granite has stops talking.  "You were just a kid, you should never have had to suffer his sick twisted abuse, then or now!!  I'm just sorry you have had to go through it at all!!"  Forrest starts to look upset, which surprises me.  "You should have told one of us, someone close who would have stopped it!!  I definitely would have done!!  Mango too, he would never have stood back and let that carry on if he had known!!"

"I was too scared to tell anyone ..."  I mumble   "I never knew how anyone would take it, especially me being gay, and I worried it would have dragged Bay into it and he would end up getting the same too.  We were scared at the time, we expected Alpine to take Bay being gay, even worse than my Dad did!!"

"Hell Saff!!  Don't make me feel guilty for you keeping your mouth shut!!"  Bay mumbles  "I would rather you grassed me up than you having to go through that!!"

"Don't stress Bay, I was too ashamed to tell anyone anyway, and because my Mother and Grandparents were turning a blind eye to what he was doing, I didn't think anyone would be bothered or even care about me and what I was going through."

"You need to pack your bags and get out of there.  That man has taken being homophobic way too far and it is never going to stop while you are living under his roof!!"  Forrest smiles at me  "You can move in here until you get yourself sorted out!  I doubt Atlas will mind you sharing his bed, seeing as you already have been on the sly!"   

Forrest laughs as he smirks at Atlas then raises an eyebrow at him, Atlas just sticks his tongue out at Forrest then they both start laughing.

"I've got half a mind to go and find that slimy yellow berry hole and knock his head off!!  It is about time he got some of his own abuse back, we've all had to take it off him in one way or another!!"  Granite snaps angrily suddenly  "I have only been back in town five minutes and I've already had a few serious run in's with the twat, accusing me and Forrest of corrupting the town and running a 'house of sin', a brothel for faggots he called it!!"  he laughs sarcastically  "If it was not for Mango stepping in and taking the punch for me, he probably would have faded me!  The berry hole actually swung for me, while I was still recovering in the hospital, when I had him over pedaling his anti gay crap at Slate and Bay!!  Now I see why he seems to have it in for Bay in particular!!"  Granite snaps, I can see he is starting to get angry and worked up.  "It won't be just his ears that are left stinging, by the time I've finished with him!!"

"No Gran!!"  Forrest snaps at him  "You will just be stooping to his level if you go hitting him and do I really need to remind you about your liver and kidney!!  You promised Bay's parent's you would take good care of Cin's liver!!"  he tuts at Granite and I see Granites face drop, like he is automatically backing down. "You can't afford to go fighting with the berry hole if you are going to get blows to the stomach like Saffron has obviously had!!"

"You can't go saying anything to him either, well not just yet anyway!!"  Atlas buts in which has Granite frowns at him.  "You telling Sunny that you know Saffron is gay, it will just have him laying into Saffy even more.  Sunny is making Saff keep it a secret in Sugar Valley remember, he is not in the closet by choise!!"

"Yeah Atlas is right!!  He is terrified of my brothers and sisters finding out especially, not only because they will see just how much of a lying berry hole he is making out I am straight, but because he thinks I am going to tempt them and corrupt them into my filth!!

"We have all been accused of that mate!!  I bet you wouldn't know, Bay corrupted Storm and Slate according to the berry hole!?"  Granite starts laughing sarcastically which turns into hysterics  "I swear the twat actually believes that being gay is contagious and Slate has caught it because he has to live here with us!!!!"

"Wait until Crimson finds out what Sunny has been up to and what he drove Saffy to do to himself.  I doubt he will take it lightly, hopefully he will arrest the berry hole!!"  Atlas laughs  "We will get our day with that twat!!  Saffron just needs to have his day first and it is already planned for next week!!"  

Our conversation had gone on for a lot longer than any of us realized.  I go back into the bedroom when Forrest and Bay started to run around like headless chickens because they were getting late for work.  Atlas says that he needs the toilet, but as I am closing the bedroom door I notice Granite pull him to one side and starts talking to him quietly.

Well I never expected any of that when I stepped out of the bedroom to show myself.

I throw myself on the bed and I find myself suddenly starting to get upset.  In some strange way, even though I am embarrassed about my secrets being out, I think Atlas has actually done me a favour forcing the issue.  I feel a great sense of relief suddenly, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.   It is now finally out in the open, and I don't have to hide or carry it around with me anymore, and the way that they all reacted to it totally surprised me ... they seem to understand which I never expected.

I have always felt very weak and pathetic, for letting my Dad physically and mentally abuse me like he did and still tries to do.  So weak and pathetic I hated myself enough to hurt myself, like I was punishing myself, not only for what he was doing and saying, but for being gay which was the cause of it happening.  I always thought that if anyone found out, especially about the self harming, that I would be laughed at and ridiculed for it, they would blame me and even say it was my own fault.  I never expected sympathy!!

After closing the door, Atlas walks over to the bed just in time to see all the tears that were stinging and welling up in my eyes start to overflow.  He sees the tears starting to roll quickly down my face, and dives onto the bed and puts his arms round me.

Atlas just stares down at me and tries to wipe the tears off my face and kisses me before he says anything.

"Saff ... how long has it been ... since you last cut yourself?"  Atlas asks quietly and awkwardly.  

I just stare back at Atlas quietly for a moment.  I think I already know why he is asking me this question.  I just knew I would not get away with it!!  Granites beady eyes probably clocked it straight away.  He was staring right at my ankles when he said - he understands how easily you can be drawn back into it.  He saw it but had the decency not to bring it up in front of everyone, which I am very thankful for!!   I think I would seriously have curled up with embarrassment and shame if I had had to stand and admit the final part to everyone. 

"Granite ... he noticed didn't he?"  I mumble quietly as I try to look away, I now can't even make eye contact with him.  "He's a doctor, I guessed he might."

"Yeah ... he thinks ... some of those cuts are fairly fresh, the one's by your ankles ... he thinks you might still be doing it."  he mumbles quietly again almost like he is a little scared to talk about this subject, in case it upsets me any more.  I just close my eyes.

"They are."  I whisper quietly without looking at him  "I am."

"Oh Saff!!  You said you stopped doing it years ago."  he frowns at me 

"I ... I did stop!!"  I stare at him  "I started again when he ... dragged me back here!"

I start to crack up.

Atlas just holds me while I cry myself out.

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Song = Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
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