Saturday, 14 February 2015

2. La La La ...

Adult Content

As I lie on my side watching Atlas sleeping with a smile on his face, I find myself wanting to stay.

Suddenly I do not know what is wrong with me.  Last night definitely did not go to plan!!  A one night stand is supposed to be just that, a one off sexual encounter with a stranger, today I should just walk away and forget about it.  However, I am not sure that I can.  I feel like I have been hit by something, my mind and body have been totally blown by this guy and I really do not know why.

I am torn between throwing caution to the wind and just saying to hell with it, or doing the sensible thing just for a quiet life.  I am sick of having to hide what I am, especially from my own family, gay, and pathetically I am only doing it for one reason ... my Father!!

I know that I have to sort my life out, especially if I have to stay in this town.  My Dad would have me living celibate for the rest of my life rather than let anyone know that I am gay.  I seriously do not know what his problem is.

While I really want to just curl up and go back to sleep with Atlas, I know I have to go home and try to sneak into the house before Dad finds out I have been out all night.  If I don't he will just give me hell constantly.  

I think the least I can do is sit my brothers and sisters down and tell them, before they find out through gossip.  I think when they find out it is going to be a shock to them whether they accept me for what I am, or not.  The shock will be because of the constant lies that our old man has been telling them over these years, he has been making out to them like I am straight, when he knows damn well that I am not.  If they do not like what I am, it is tough, it is not like I am really that close to any of them anyway.  The only one I could have talked too without worrying about, is Honey.  She was the only one that kept in constant contact with me, while I was living in Sugar Falls, but still I never told her the truth.  Now she has gone and I really miss her.

I can not change what I am or live my life like this anymore!!

I get up off the bed slowly, trying not to disturb Atlas.  This I do unsuccessfully, because he rolls over like he is reaching out for something, not finding anything he curls himself up into a ball.   He mumbles something in his sleep that I did not quite catch before he starts snoring.  This makes me snigger.  I quickly get dressed and check the time, it is nearly 6.30am, if I am quick I might just be able to sneak into the house before they start getting up at 7am for work.

As I walk towards the door I spot a note pad and pen on the side.  I smirk as I open it and write him a note.  I fold the piece of paper in half and place it on the pillow on the empty half of the bed.  Opening the door quietly, I check that there is nobody around, the last thing I want to do right now is bump into Forrest, or whoever else is living here.  The house is quiet so I tip toe out without being seen.   

After running all the way home.  I stand up against the wall at the side of the house, where I can not be spotted through any of the windows from inside, while I am struggling to catch my breath.  After the night I have had it is a wander I managed to make it home and especially running!!

I take a very deep breath as I turn the key slowly in the front door, trying to be as quiet as I can.  I just hope that nobody is up and out of bed yet, especially my Dad.  I open the door quietly listen for a moment.  All I hear is silence. I am a grown adult, and I should not have to still be doing this!!  Creeping into the house like a naughty little child.

I creep into the hallway and close the door behind me quietly.  Thinking about everyone that I have to avoid, Dad, Mom, Strawberry, Crimson, Carmine and Maize, I am going to be very lucky if I make it to my room unnoticed.  I still do not hear anything, the house is in total silence, so I tiptoe up the stairs and make my way very quietly to my room.  

When my door is safely closed behind me I let out a sigh of relief.  I did not realize until that moment that I had been holding my breath, probably since I had opened the front door.  Why the hell am I putting myself through this, why am I still so scared of my Dad, I am a grown adult and still the thought of one of his preaching speeches scares me.

I grab some clean clothes and go to the bathroom and take a quick shower.  I bump into Carmine on the way out of the bathroom, he starts moaning that I am holding him up and he is going to be late for work.  I just laugh at him as I go back to my room and throw myself onto my bed, I just lie there and start to daydream.  My mind automatically starts to think about last night and this morning.  Atlas Maps!!  Well that was very unexpected!!  

The very last thing I expected when I walked into that bar to drown my sorrows was such a hot night of mind blowing sex.  Or was that just the booze?!  I am not so sure it was the booze, this mornings tumble was just as good, if not better.  I have had plenty of one night stands, involving just meaningless sex, in my time, but nothing like that!!  There was definitely nothing meaningless about last night!!  Hell and I was the one who called it a one night stand!!

Meeting someone to spend the night with, was the very last thing on my mind when I entered the bar, I just wanted to get smashed to forget my problems.  Mainly Sulfur dumping me like he did.  When Atlas sat down just a seat away from me, I could not help but do a double take, he was so damn cute!!  I remember thinking he is never going to be gay, my luck never works that way.  Amazingly for once, luck was on my side!!  I just sat there undressing him in my mind and imagining what I wanted to do to him!!  Not that I should even have been thinking along those lines!!   There was me sending Sulfur text begging him to take me back, saying we could find a way to work it out, while I could not keep my eyes off the cute brown guy sat next to me.

Oh well I guess, if I had not already blown it with Sulfur, I would have totally blown it with last nights activities.  However, I think it has helped me put one thing into perspective, I think I realize now, Sulfur was seriously not the right one for me anyway, one night with Atlas has showed me that much, and I am not just talking about the sex. 

I should have known better than to get myself involved with Sulfur in the first place, I should have known how he would react if he ever found out I am a mixed berry.  He is a narrow minded pure berry, just like the rest of them.  He dumped my ass so fast, it was ridiculous!!  So much for loving me like he says he does, he obviously does not love me at all, he should take me warts and all.  After my Dad blurted out that I am a mixed berry, the way Sulfur looked at me, it was almost like suddenly I repulsed him.  It is not like it is my fault my genes are not only yellow but red also.  If he was a women then I could understand, but it is not like me and Sulfur are ever having any kids is it!!  So what difference does it really make to him, what colour my parents are?!

It annoys me that my Dad just dumped me out into the colour coded world at all, to face these problems, like I didn't have enough already.  My parents soon rid themselves of the problem of me!!  They removed me from my brothers and sisters, alienating me away from the family, so easily!!  What happened to loving your children unconditionally?!  I wander if they even gave a thought to what it might do to me mentally?  I had enough to deal with trying to come to terms with being gay, without having to deal with the prejudice's of the colour coded world and feeling abandoned, unloved and unwanted.

I have been watching how everyone reacts to to the gay guys in this town.  As far as I can see, nobody seems to have a problem with them, except for my Dad.  I am not sure how my Mother really feels about it, it is not something we have really discussed, she just stands quietly behind Dad saying nothing and letting him do whatever, which has always made me think that she feels the same way that he does.  Why should I be surprised really, they are both pure berries who were brought up in the colour coded world, I guess deep down they are still narrow minded about a lot of things. 

Out in the colour coded, the people are so much different to those in a colour mix town.  Gay people are not so accepted like they are in a colour mix town, we are treated a little like the homeless and colourless people.  Something not quite right that should be avoided. Don't get me wrong, not everyone has a problem with my sexual orientation, but I have had plenty of stick over the years because of it, out in the coded world.

I never expected Dad to react to me in the way that he did and I do not think I can ever forgive him for how he treated and continues to treat me.  I think the day that he realized I am gay will be forever etched in my memory, I remember that day, just like it was yesterday .... 

It had been a really horrible cold, rainy winters day, we had been stuck inside after school and could not go out to hang out like we normally would have done.  I shared a room with Crimson back then and he was round at Affairs with Cherry.  Bay and Slate had come round to hang out and we were just chilling in my room listening to music and pretending to do our homework but we were doing everything but. 

Me and Slate had been hanging out of the bedroom window having a crafty fag when my bedroom door opened.  I nearly shit myself, I thought that we had been caught, by one of my parents who were both downstairs, but I was relieved to see it was only Scarlet.

Scarlet had come in to tell Slate that Gravel was downstairs and he had come to take him home, he wanted Slate to come alone because there was something they had to do apparently.  Straight away I could see that this hacked both Slate and Bay off as they sat staring at each other for a moment.  Before Scarlet shut the door she moaned about the smell of fag smoke in the room, but I knew she would not grass me up because we were all smoking on the sly at that time, bar Cherry and Honey.

Scarlet goes out and closes the door as Slate gets up off the bed moaning about his Dad coming to fetch him.  As I spray the room with air freshener, I watch the look of disappointment on Bay's face as he watches Slate leave the room.  They exchange a glance just before Slate closes the door after him.  After Slate had left the room, Bay threw himself sulkily on the bed and starts looking at his homework assignment.

I lay on the other bed watching him, I think the look on his face said it all.  He almost looked love sick!!  I had been watching those two closely lately, because of my own confusing feelings, it was some of the boys that I had started to watch, fancy and dream about, not girls.   Slate and Bay had always been very close, they were almost joined at the hip, Bay always very clingy and possessive with Slate, and the way that they messed about together, always lying all over each other, they looked suspiciously too close to just be friends.

"You fancy Slate don't you."  I had said to him.  "I think you are gay!!"  He just looked up from his school book wide eyed.

"What?!  Don't be stupid!!"  he snaped at me defensively, but I could see his cheeks had started to glow red.  That is one thing about Bay, he blushes easily, and he looks so damn cute doing it!!  "Man you are mad!!"  he started laughing but it was far from convincing.  "I am not gay!!"

"Well I think you are!!"  I had laughed at him quietly.  "A lot of the girls at school are chasing you and you are not interested in any of them, you only see Slate!!"  he had just sat there quietly, he could not even look at me.  "You know you are barking up the wrong tree with Slate, he fancies Juni."

"I know!!"  he had mumbled quietly and looked miserable. 

"Have you ever kissed a boy?"  I had asked him and his eyes had widened again and he shook his head   "But you want to, don't you, you want to kiss Slate ... I am not stupid!!"

He just sat there saying nothing as he looked down at his book, his cheeks were really  glowing, which to me was an admission to him wanting to kiss Slate and that he might be gay.  I remember wandering if I should pluck up the courage to say something about myself.  I lay there for ages watching him, he was pretending to do his homework while his cheeks had burned redder and redder.

"Bay, if I tell you something, will you keep it to yourself?"  he had glanced at me sheepishly.  He said okay and I made him swear a few times before I was brave enough to say anything.  "I think kissing girls is gross!!  I think I might be gay."

"Are you just saying that to trick me?"  he had frowns at me suspiciously.

"No!!  I swear!!  I think I might be gay!!"  he had asked me who I liked.  "I think I might have the same taste in boys as my sister, I think Tapestry is cute, and ... you."  he started howling at me for a moment and I was not really sure why.

"Okay ..."  he seemed to hesitate for a while  "I do fancy Slate and I think I might be gay too."  he was watching my face to see how I reacted, his cheeks were still burning, when he saw I was not laughing at him, I think he must have believed and trusts me.  "It is doing my head in, how can I tell for sure?"  he had frowned at me  "Have you ever kissed a boy?"  I shook my head in denial.

"Maybe we should kiss each other, then we would know."  I had said to him, more as a joke, expecting him to tell me to get lost, but he just laughed for a moment. 

"Okay, I guess ... we should trying kissing each other."  he mumbled which shocked me.

I was surprised, shocked even, that he had agreed virtually straight away to trying the kiss.  After a little hesitation, we sat on the bed together.  He had sat there in his usual way, like he was shy and embarrassed, I knew if we were going to do this I was going to have to be the one to start it.  I nervously inched my face closer to his and we start kissing.

I think I knew after only a few minutes that kissing other boys was right for me.  I think Bay must have been feeling the same way because he relaxed and like me he was starting to get well into the kiss.  We wound up lying on the bed making out and it was good, I remember not wanting it to stop.  I had only ever kissed one girl, Coral, and I had not enjoy it at all.

We had breaks in the kissing, a few times, just enough time to take in air, then we went straight back to it.  We started to experiment and explore, we did not discuss it, we just did it.  Hands and mouths started wandering to other parts of our bodies, clothes started to be removed, neither of us had a clue about what we were doing, we just fumbled our way through it.  We did not have sex, but we both had our first blow job that day, well Bay only got half a one!! 

To say we got carried away with our first gay sexual adventure, was an understatement ... we totally forgot where we were and that any moment someone might walk in, which is exactly what happened.

I seriously wanted to fade at the time, but now I snigger just thinking about it.

My Dad seriously could not have picked a worst time to walk into the room.  We were both totally naked, all but for our socks.  Bay was sat on the bed, his head back and moaning, me on the floor on my knees, his erection well and truly lodged half way down my throat.  I just froze when I heard the door open, I had not even detached myself from Bay, I just stared wide eyed at my Dad as he stood there in the doorway totally shocked.  We left him with no doubt about what we were up to, it was not like we could even wriggle out of it.  I swear I watched my Dad turn colourless then red before he exploded into a fit of rage.  Bay shot off the bed and joined me on the floor, both of us trying to hide our nakedness.

I sometimes wander if my Dad still carries that image of us around in his head, because I can never rid the image of that situation from mine.  I guess Bay is never going to forget that day either even though it is not something that we have really discussed that much since, and not for years.

My Dad, as you can imagine, went TOTALLY Ballistic!!

I think if he had caught me with a girl it would not have been half so bad, he might even have laughed about it eventually, but he caught me with Bayleaf, another boy, and what he caught me doing just added salt to the wound.  I think that was the day I learned that my Dad is, or at least acts like, he is homophobic.

He had slammed the bedroom door shut and ordered us to get dressed, which we did very quickly, while he stood with his back to us.  He kicked off, like I have never seen him kick off before.  Bay started to beg him not to tell his Dad.  Dad told Bay to get out of the house and never to come back.  He said he would not tell Alpine and Caramel what he had just walked in on, as long as he never saw him anywhere near this house, Crimson, Maize, Carmine and especially not me again.  Poor Bay, he ran out of the house like a scared mouse that day.

I wish I could have ran that day like Bay, but I couldn't and I got the beating of my life.  I think Dad might even have thought that he could beat the gayness out of me, or scare me enough to never try it again.  I think if Crimson and my Mother had not dragged him off me, he would have faded me.   He was seriously angry with me and he told me there was no way he was going to let me be gay ... like I had a choise in the matter!!

A few weeks later me and Bay were caught together again, by my Dad, making out behind the bike sheds in the deserted playground at school.  We had both lied to our parents telling them we had detention, just so we could spend some time together out of school, because I was grounded.  We were stupid to hang around at school, because my Dad who was trying to keep a very close eye on me, came to collect me out of detention to make sure I didn't sneak off somewhere.  

It was not like me and Bay were in love or even fancied each other all that much, it was just a relief to be with someone the same, both of being gay, we understood each other and what we were going through.  We had been sneaking around for weeks together, even bunking days off school and hiding out in the woods, just so we could be together, however, it did not take Dad long to catch us together again.  

That night my bags were packed and I was sent off to live with my yellow Grandparents in Sugar Falls.  I never knew if he told Alpine about Bay.  Me and Bay have had no contact since, I have actually never seen or spoken to him since the day I was dragged off the school playground by one very furious parent.

Everyone was told at the time, that I had been sent to live with my Grandparents to give me a chance of a better life, better opportunities out in the coded world that are not available in a colour mix town.  Being completely yellow it was plausable.  I always wander just what he would have done with me if I had been like Crimson, Maize, Carmine, Cherry and Strawberry, visibly yellow and red.

It amuses me sometimes, the way he just dumped me out there in the coded world with his parents, hoping that they would straighten me out.  Especially as I know that Honey was very close to following me because of her bedroom antics with Tapestry.  He planned to split them up, just because he did not like Tapestry at the time, forget Honey's feelings, they did not count, just like mine never have!!  

That guy meddles too much in all of our lives, there is being a parent but he takes it way too far.   He is overbearing with his ways, he inflicts his opinions on all of us and woe betide us if we don't share the same opinion.  I would not mind but I know he is far from being a saint himself!!

I use to hate his visits, when he used to come over to see his parents, I used to get it, hours of his preaching, he honestly thought he could educate me and talk me out of being gay.  He used to ram sin continuously down my throat, like he does not have any himself!!   As the years went on I just learned to ignore him.  I think my Mother was the one that shocked me most, I have rarely seen her in the years that I have been away.  My Grandparents have never really been happy with my father colour mixing and she is not very welcome in their home, although she always made the effort to visit on my birthday.  Of course over the years, this has all seriously messed my head up.

Being fast asleep, I had not heard the door open, or anyone come in.  I do not know how long I have been asleep for or how long he might have been in my room.

"SAFFRON WAKE UP!!"  he yells a few times.

I open my eyes and my Dad is standing in the room at first with his arms folded.  As he just stands there staring at me, I guess he is not in here for a nice chat, because he has that look on his face.

"Not so loud!!  I have got a hangover, I drank a little too much last night!"  I snap at him.

"So where have you been all night?  And don't say here because I know you have stayed out all night!!"  he snaps.  

Great!!  I have been busted!!  I guessed I would not get away with it, he never misses at trick that man!  I bet he knows already exactly where I have been knowing him!

"Just out!"  I snap as I sit up.

"Where?  More to the point, who with and doing what?"

"None of your business, I am not fourteen years old any more!!"  I snap at him.

"While you are under my roof it is my business, especially when you worry your Mother, who has been fretting half of the night wandering why you have not come home!!  It did not help that you switched your phone off!!"  he snaps   

"Like she even cares!!  She who calls herself my Mother, but could only be bothered to come and see me once a year!!"

"Don't you even start on your Mother, when it was your own fault you was sent away!!"  he snaps  "So come on ... where have you been, or should I say who have you been with?  Please don't tell me you are at that filth already!!"

I lie there staring at him for a moment.  I do not even know why I am letting him put me through this again, why I am even trying to hide it from him, after all, he is the only one that I can admit it to.  I can not help what I am, he is just going to have to learn to accept it!!

"Well don't worry, I will not be under your roof for long!!"  I snap at him  "If you really must know, I went to the dive bar and I picked up this really cute GAY guy.  We got drunk, we went back to his and have spent most of the night shagging each others brains out."  I fake a yawn  "Shut the door on your way out, I am knackered I need to sleep!!" 

Off he blows!!  He starts with his normal rubbish, kicking off.  He starts to spew out the same old sanctimonious crap that I have had to listen to so many times since I was fourteen years old and he found out I am gay.  Preaching on about how disgusting and wrong it is, the sin I am committing.  I am soiling his faded brothers name and he wished to berry he had never given it me!  I'm a disgrace, I'm an embarrassment ...  Blah blah blah .....

I automatically close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears and start to repeat

"la la la ... la la la ... la la la." 

I say it over and over, getting louder and louder, which drowns out his preaching.  This is something that I have always done when I can no longer take his rubbish!!  His words now mean nothing to me, because I know now that he is wrong!!

He stops me by grabbing my arm and almost pulling me off the bed so I have no choice but to get up and face him.

"What the hell is wrong with you Saffron!!"  he yells at me  "I thought you would have grown out of all this crap by now and stopped this childish behaviour!!"

"What crap?"  I snap at him  "I am gay .... GET OVER IT!!"

"I was actually talking about your childish la la la rubbish!!"  he yells at me  "I just knew bringing you back here would be a mistake!!" 

"Then why did you!!"  I yell at him  "I was perfectly happy until you messed it all up for me, leaving me no choice but to come back to this DUMP!!"

"Yeah I bet you was happy!!"  he snaps sarcastically  "I can not believe that my parents let you practice your filth under their roof!!"  he yells at me 

"So come on who have you been with all night?  There are only a few of your kind in this town, so it won't take me long to find out.  Have you been sniffing round Bayleaf again?!"
"I think I might have to climb over Slate first to get to Bay!!"  I laugh at him "No it was not Bay, but I guess I should pay him a visit, I do still owe him a blow job, for the one that you so rudely interrupted all those years ago!!"  

I snigger at him and should not really be so surprised when my face starts stinging because he has just slapped it pretty hard.

"Touch me again and we are done!!"  I snap at him  "What gives you the right to judge me for being gay, when what you have done is far worse!!"  he frowns at me  "You CHOSE to colour mix and inflict your sin on your kids, most of whom didn't want it!!!  I did not choose to be a product of your sin just like I do not chose to be gay, and I don't inflict my sexuality on people who don't want it!!  So why exactly should it bother you if I am gay or not?!" 

I am starting to get very angry, he has totally messed my head up over the years, at first I even listened to his preaching, I thought he must be right, he is my Dad.  I am a sin and something unholy!!  I let him mess my head up for years with his rubbish!!

"What is your problem anyway?!  There only seems to be you who has a problem with the gay guys in this town!!"  I snap at him  "What kind of bullshit have you been feeding everyone?  Do you know the first questions most people are asking me ... When are we going to meet your GIRLfriend!!  Why haven't you brought your GIRLfriend with you!!  Is it really so bad you even have to pretend to my own brothers and sisters like I am not gay!!  I guess you are going to look very stupid when the truth comes out." 

"I am warning you!!"  he points his finger at me  "They do not need to ever know about your disgusting filthy habits!!"  he snaps at me  "I don't want you tempting them into trying your filth or your sordid ways rubbing off on them."

"Oh please!!  You can't catch it, or pursued someone to become gay for Berry's sake!"  I start to really laugh at him.

"Don't tell me that is not possible because you only have to look at Slate, he was perfectly normal until Bay got his disgusting hands on him!!"  he snaps  "Now look at him, he is one of your lot!!"

"One of my lot, obviously not being normal!"  I snap at him sarcastically  "Grow up, do you know how stupid you sound!!"  I laugh at him  "Slate has always had it in him, obviously he is bisexual, Bay did not tempt him over to the dark side, he went freely so I have heard!!"  I start laughing at him sarcastically  "Maybe you should try it, pull your head from up your ass for a moment, then you might just see where I am coming from ....."

"SHUT your filthy mouth!!"  he yells at me  "I'm warning you, while you are in this house and town, you will keep your disgusting filth to yourself!!  You don't even practice your sin in this house or anyone elses!!"  he snaps  "I don't want anyone, especially not your brothers and sisters, finding out what you are!!"

"You are a joke!!  Now you are telling me I can never have a love life!!"  I snap at him  "Don't think just because Sulfur has dumped me because of your meddling that I am going to STOP BEING GAY!!  I snap at him  "You just can't help yourself can you, you have messed us all up one way or another with your damn warped principals... yet your own love life has not been so perfect has it Dad!!"  he frowns at me   

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"I notice you don't seem to be on Strawberry's back much over her disgusting behaviour!!  That girl is a dirty slut!!"

"I am dealing with your sister!!"

"Yeah right!!  Well she is obviously not listening, and really I am not surprised, it is not like you can even say anything is it!!"  he frowns at me  "Why do you think little miss loose knickers runs around shagging every guy in town who wants to take a ride ... like Mother like daughter, we have all heard the stories about how you and your mates were sharing the slut and how you got yourself lumbered with the school bike ......"

He goes for me then.  In a way I wanted him to, because I have seriously had enough of his narrow minded crap.  Having a punch up with my old man is not something that I have ever imagined doing, but there is only so much I can take, he went for me first so I had to retaliate.

I am not sure that he expected what he got from me either, I bet he thought I was just going to lay there and take it, and just let him beat me like he used to when I was a kid.  I am not sure he expected me to hit back or so hard.  I might be gay but I know how to swing a punch, too many hours of working out in the boxing ring and gym, have taught me how too.  I found a good way to vent out all the frustration of my life, which helped to stop me from destroying myself in other ways.

We are having a full blown punch up and smashing the room up in the process when Maize and Crimson tear into the room and jump in and part us.  It is not until we are separated and being held apart that I can hear my Mother hysterically screaming at us to stop.  Mom and Crimson drag Dad out of the room to sort out his split lip and bloody nose. 

I throw myself on the couch, hoping that Maize will follow them but he doesn't, he joins me and just sits next to me staring at me for a while, while I just keep swearing out loud, trying to calm myself down.

"What's going on Saffy?"  Maizie mumbles after a while  "Why do you and Dad constantly argue?"

"Don't let Dad hear you calling me Saffy!  He will blow a gasket."  I laugh at him sarcastically  "Look little brother, just keep your nose out of it or you might just end up getting some of his forked tongue if he thinks you are taking my side!!"

"Why is he so angry with you?"  he frowns at me  "Since you came home, he has been in a constant bad mood.  Why?  None of us get it!!"

"Look I am not telling you! Just drop it!!"  I snap at him  "I am looking for my own place in town, so I won't be putting Dad in a bad mood for much longer!"

"So you are stopping in Sugar Valley then?"  he frowns at me

"For the time being yes ...."

"So will you be coming to my wedding?  Dad was not sure that you would bother to turn up to any of our weddings"  he smiles at me.  

Yeah I think I can see what Dad has been doing, making me out to be the wrong one with everyone, trying to widen the gap between me and everyone else.  I bet he is hoping that they would start to hate me and I would disappear out of everyone's life so they would never know the truth.

"I guess, if I am invited."

"Idiot!!  You are my brother, why would you think you are not invited?!"  he frowns at me  "I guess you know Carmine and Fern are also getting married soon."

"Who is Fern anyway?"  I frown at him "I've not seen or met her yet."

"Yeah Fern!  She is a scream, but you won't see her round here, she's not welcome."  he laughs and I frown.  "It's Dad, he doesn't like her, everyone else love her.  She is a pure green berry, she's not from this town.  She is Storm and Parsley's half sister, they have the same Mother, you know the phycho woman who abducted Tap and Honey.  Manderine has four other kids besides Storm and Parsley, who Fern has nothing to do with now, she's been living with Prelude and Parsley since Storm faded."

"It sounds complicated!"  I laugh at him

"It is a little."  he rolls his eyes  "Made worse by the fact that Dad doesn't like her just because of who her Mother is!!"  he pulls a face  "I seriously don't get Dad sometimes, he was okay with Straw and Parsley, him being Manderine's son, which is no different to Fern being Manderine's daughter, but not in Dads eyes.  I am just glad he likes Juniper!!"

"Is Dad still giving Carmine hell over Fern?" 

"Yes, just like he gave Honey hell over Tapestry, which is a joke because now Tap can not do no wrong in his eyes!!"  he laughs  "Sometimes I think it is Dad's fault Honey faded, he forced them to be stupid, they got pregnant on purpose to stop Dad from sending Honey to Sugar Falls."

"Yeah I heard, Tapestry is the golden boy these days!!  Dad is just a narrow minded twat and you are all adults now and you all need to ignore him!!  They are your lives to live, you have to do what makes you happy not him!!  If you let him he will rule your life!!"

I laugh at myself, I need to listen to my own words of advice!!  Like an idiot, I am letting him rule my life ... it has got to stop!!

 "So when are we going to meet your girlfriend?"


"For Berry's Sake!!  I DO NOT HAVE A GOD DAMN GIRLFRIEND!!"  I lose my temper, I am sick of everyone asking me that question!!  "I wish everyone would stop asking me about a girlfriend that does not exist ... I have NEVER had a damn girlfriend in my life!!"  This makes Maize snigger.

"Tell me you are still a virgin!!"  he continues to snigger.  

This makes me angry, they are all so wrapped up in Dad's lies about me being straight. When I say I have never had a girlfriend, he doesn't ask if I have had a boyfriend or question if I am gay, he automatically thinks I am a virgin instead!!

"No I'm not a bloody virgin .... Just GET OUT Maize!!"  I yell at him 

"MAN!!  Keep your hair on!!"  he snaps as he stands up  "I only asked, because Dad told us you have a girlfriend."

"Well don't ask because he is talking shit, there is no girlfriend and there never has been!!"  I snap at him.  "Just go Maizie, I want to be left alone, I am sick of the lot of you already!!"

"Why the hell did you come back SAFFRON??!!"  he snaps  "It's no wander Dad is angry with you all the time if this is how you talk to him!!"

"Ask Dad!!  He will tell you why I went in the first place, why I came back and why I won't be here for very long!!"

He looks upset as well as angry as he storms out and slams the door shut so hard behind him, the windows rattle.  I cringe as he slams the door.

I get up off the couch and throw myself on the bed, knowing that I was way too hard on Maize.  He asked me the wrong question at the wrong time and I just snapped.  I should really not have shouted at him like that!!  It is not his fault that he, like everyone else, has been sucked in with Dad's lies.  My bedroom door opens almost immediately and Crimson comes walking in.

"You have upset Maize now!!"  He frowns at me as he gets onto the bed.  "He's such a queer ass that kid!!  He is over sensitive and cries at the slightest thing, anyone would think he was gay!!"  he laughs but I don't because of what he has just said to me.  If only he knew what he had just said to me!! 

"Don't start Crimson!!"  I snap at him.

"Isn't it about time you told one of us what is going on between you and Dad."  he says finally.  "This has been going on for years and it is ridiculous!!"

"No, I'm telling you nothing!!"  I laugh at him  "You are the wanna be detective, you work it out!!"

"Oh I have tried!!  I don't get why Dad is always so angry with you.  You have a good job and don't have a criminal record, you obviously are not a alcoholic or on drugs.  I can not see you doing anything that would warrant his anger, so I don't get it!!"

"And you probably never will if he has his way!!"

"Come on Saffron, you are supposed to be my brother, you need to knock down that brick wall that you have put up between yourself and the rest of us."  This makes me laugh - I have put up the brick wall!? - Dad is the builder here!!  "You are constantly fighting with Dad, and you have isolated yourself away from all of us.  None of us can get anywhere near you, especially not Mom, which upsets her!!  What did we do?  What exactly is your problem?"

"Don't feel sorry for that woman, it's her own fault, she quit being my Mother years ago!!"  he frowns at me quite nastily.  "Crimson it is not me with the problem here!!  Dad is the one who dumped me out in the coded world when I did not want him too, and she let him!!   He was the one who isolated me away from everyone.  He is the one constantly on my back, while I just want to be left alone!!  Go ask him ... he is the one with all the problems and answers!!"

"Did you do something when you was younger that he will never forget you for?"  he frowns at me.  I can not help but laugh, thinking about Dad walking in on me and Bayleaf.  "None of us get it, one day you was here and everything was fine, the next you are gone and Dad only had to hear your name and he went off on one.  He would never tell us why."

"Being born, that is the only thing that I did wrong!!"  I snap at him  "Look Crimson you are not ever going to fix this, so quit even trying!!"  he pulls a face at me   "If I tell you it will just cause an even bigger argument, everyone hates me enough already, and I really don't want to make it worse for myself!!  There was only Honey who ever gave a toss about me after I left!!"

"That is not true and we don't hate you!!  Why would you even think that!!  We don't understand you, but we definitely don't hate you!!"   he pulls a face at me  "If the truth be known, most of us are jealous of you.  I am for one, you being all one colour, you are not trapped in this place, having our overbearing Dad constantly on your back, like the rest of us, and you can and have been out in the coded world.  I for one am never getting anywhere with my career because of visibly being mixed.  I do not even understand why you would want to come back here?"

"Oh you would be far from jealous, if only you knew the truth!!"

"Tell me then!!  What is the problem?"  he smiles at me  "Maybe I can help!  I can imagine it is Dad being unreasonable as usual!"

"Don't think you can use your police psychology on me either!!"  I laugh at him  "I am not telling you what Dad's problem is, and the coded world is not all it is cracked up to be, trust me!!"  I pull a face at him  "Look Crimson, I'm not being funny but I really don't want to talk about this, I'm knackered and I've got the hang over from hell and I just want to get some sleep!!"

"Fine!"  he says as he gets off the bed  "I'll leave you too it then, but Saffron, you know you don't have to go though whatever it is, alone!!"

I thump the bed when Crimson leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

I wanted to tell him, I was so close ... if he had not made that queer ass comment, I probably would have done!

I don't want to have to hide what I am any more.  I just did not have the guts, scared more that he would react in the same way that Dad does.

Song = La La La = Naughty Boy ft Sam Smith


  1. You know what? What I really want is for ghost Saffron to come and give his brother a good old slap in the face. Or write him a strongly worded note like how Storm wrote for Lime. Maybe in your head he's homophobic like Sunny, but I like to think that as a ghost that he wouldn't care about such things anymore. That what's more important to him is for Sunny to stop acting how he is and appreciate his son even if he doesn't exactly agree with his choices because he could lose living Saffron just as easily as he lost him.

    1. LOL - no in my mind I have actually thought about ghost Saffron telling Tapestry to tell Sunny to back off his son and that HE was gay when he was living - that would be better than a physical slap in the face for Sunny!!

      He is being ridiculous and he could very well lose Saffron if he carries on like he is. :(

    2. Glad to see we're thinking along the same lines :D
      I would like both to happen though- Tapestry tells Sunny, but Sunny still doesn't change as much as he should so ghost Saffron has to give him that slap or something to set him straight completely XD

      Part of me is curious to see what would happen if Sunny /lost/ lost Saffron, or even what would happen if Sunny accidentally played a part in his death. Like, if they fought again and Sunny accidentally pushed him so he hit his head against a piece of furniture or something. That's probably so much darker than what you've got planned, but that's where my mind is going ><

  2. Sunny needs to have his eyes opened up and realize that he has treated his son the same way his parents treated Crystal. I was so hoping that Saffron would just scream at everyone that he was gay and let the chips fall where they may. I was thinking while reading this that it would be funny if Sunny's brother had been gay. I would like to see how Sunny would react then.