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Just be ....
I HATE it when he cries!!
I am woken up in the middle of the night and I'm not really sure by what at first, the room is in total darkness and I can't see anything properly.
As I just lie there listening, I am not sure whether it is the noise that Mace is making or the fact that he's making the bed shake, even if it is only slightly that had woken me up. I already know he's crying.
I roll over and flick on the bedside lamp. Mace is lay beside me curled up into a tight ball and is sobbing his heart out uncontrollably. I lie there for a moment just watching and listening to him thinking about all the arguing we did last night.
That's when the guilt always kicks in.
He doesn't do this very often but when he does - it kills me!!
I've moved over onto Mace's side of the bed and pulled him towards me and put my arms around him. At first he tries to fight me, he pushes me away quite forcefully. He uncurls himself out of the ball as he fights me and I pull him towards me. He carries on trying to fight me off until I have a tight hold of him then he gives up and lets me hold him.
He lies there in my arms and continues to cry quite loudly. It upsets me when he get's like this and I really don't want to fight with him anymore!!
Occasionally he thumps my chest because I know he's angry with me and I think I know why. He never reacts too well to me telling him to go and find someone else to sleep with because I say it so flippantly and like I really don't care and it hurts him. For all his faults, I know one thing that he is and that's faithful. Even though he might threaten it, I know he won't go out and do it.
Even though I am always telling him that he doesn't, I also know somewhere deep down he does really love me and at times like this I really do wish that I could love him back.
I know exactly how it feels to love someone and you don't get it back. In my case HE is not here to give it back and I'm 20 years too late to even think I could get back what we had ... I know it's gone forever. For Mace I am here with him everyday not giving him the love that he needs and that has got to be far worse than what I'm going through!! I could never cope if I had HIM in my face acting like he didn't give a shit everyday. The only way I can cope is by being and keeping away.
It's got to hurt like hell for him like it does for me ... and I'm the one doing it to him!!
We are both really as lost as each other.
It's not that I don't care about him because I do, I just don't love him. I would never have survived this last five years without him, and I struggle to even imagine life without him. He is my best friend even though we do have our problems these days and are constantly fighting and don't like each other very much at the moment ... if only we could take it back to our first few years together when it was really good ... before the idiot went and fell in love with me. But we can't.
When Mace landed on my doorstep he saved me from myself because I was on the verge of cracking. I was craving alcohol so badly if he hadn't turned up when he did I think I would have cracked. I would now be in that gutter my brother thinks I'm in. It is Mace who has helped in a very big way to keep me out of it ... I would be totally lost without him and I think if he did leave I'd be totally stuffed. As much as he annoys me these days - I can't afford to lose him So why do I treat him like this?!
I don't know what it is with alcohol, that is by far my worst enemy. I think it is going to chase me until the day I fade. The drugs really don't bother me anymore, I really don't know why I can't shake my alcohol addiction. I think about it all the time, even still, just the sight or smell of it sends me red eyed. I see HIM as an addiction too just like my alcohol addiction, something I just can't shake no matter how hard I've tried and I have tried - it is just not happening!!
Mace doesn't help with this situation, he is so different to HIM, I can't help but keep comparing them. Even if me and Mace did try to make a proper go of it - it would never come anywhere close. Mine and HIS relationship to me was perfect, I know we would have been together forever if shit hadn't happened - shit of my making!! I know now after all these years there is never any going back to HIM for me, I'd be stupid to even think it was a possibility, but it's what I want and wish for every day ... why can't I just let it go?
If I have to be honest with myself, selfishly I need Mace probably just as much as he needs me, if not more. Even though I show him the door almost every day, I say it because I know he won't use it and go. I am actually scared of what will happen to me if he does go and leave me on my own.
I lived alone for the first fifteen years and it almost drove me crazy. The past five years have been far better and I've been a lot happier and settled, even though there have been problems. For the past five years I've been making do with Mace. Making do is the best I'm ever going to get and at least Mace loves me. For both of our sakes I need to try and make this work and better somehow.
Better the devil you know ... if I have to be unhappy and making do forever I'd rather do it with Mace, but the old Mace, not the one who is here now. If only I could forget HIM and fall in love with Mace then it would cure both of our problems.
"I'm scared!!" Mace says suddenly through his snivelling
"You, going back to HIM!!" he chokes "It's okay when HE is thousands of miles away, but HE won't be when we get to Sugar Valley will he!!"
"Mace it's been 20 years - it's not happening, I don't know why you are worrying about it even being a possibility!! He'll have forgotten all about me by now!!" I laugh "Come on can you remember who you was dating 20 years ago?"
"Yeah ... nobody because I was only 10!" he giggles a little. I keep forgetting he is nearly fifteen years younger than I am. I laugh at him.
"Like I've told you hundreds of times, he's got to have moved on and completely forgotten all about me by now. The shit I gave HIM, if he does remember me I will just be a nightmare memory in his past - you are upsetting yourself for nothing - stop worrying!!"
"I'll always worry about it when you love HIM and not me!!" he snivels
"I'm sick of you keep comparing me to HIM all the time!! You never stop!!" he starts thumping my chest "You aren't ever going to forget about HIM because you never stop thinking about HIM!! What the hell is so special about HIM anyway?! Do you know how much it hurts me when you keep throwing HIM in my face!!"
"I'm sorry ... I'll stop doing it!!"
"I don't even think you like me most of time - because I am not HIM!! Why even keep me here?" he starts crying again "You never want to touch me and when you do I have to force the issue and you act like ... you are raping me!!"
"Is it really that bad?" I frown at him even though I probably already know the answer to my own question.
"Sometimes!!" he stares up at me "No most of the time!"
"I'm sorry!" he just lies there looking at me with the tears rolling down his face. "I don't exactly keep you here, you choose to stay - so why stay if it's so bad?"
"You know why!! I love you." he thumps my chest "Even if you are a berry hole most of the time!!"
I'm feeling guilty again. I know sometimes I'm too hard on him, especially if he's made me angry keep pushing me for it, which is most of the time lately. I should be ashamed of what I've been doing to him, it almost verges on abuse. I know I have to stop it!! Would it really hurt me to give him a little more affection and better sex?
"I know one thing, we seriously can't carry on like this Mace, we are destroying each other!! It seriously needs to end now before we do destroy ourselves completely!!"
I watch a flash of sheer panic wash across his face as he closes his eyes and starts shaking his head.
"Oh No!!" he keeps repeating over and over "I'm not going to let you do it!!"
I'm a little confused at first but when I think over what I have just said I know I could have worded it a little better, I think I know which way he took it. He think I'm saying we need to be putting an end to our arrangement, agreement, deal, relationship, whatever the hell this situation is called now.
"So you are not going to let me try to change?" I smirk at him
"What?!" he looks surprised.
"We can't carry on like we are and I really don't want to lose you or fight with you anymore!! We need to fix this Mace, we need to make it better before it get's any worse and we totally kill it or each other!! We both need to make some changes to ourselves if we are ever going to make this work." he just lies there looking at me wide eyed. "So I'm going to try and give you a bit more of what you want and treat you better. I know it's about time I let it go and start to forget about HIM, so I'm going to try and concentrate on us instead ... but there are things you are going to have to do for me too."
"You say it now, but after a few days of sweetness and light, it will be straight back to normal!!" he is starting to get really upset "I know it will!! You say you are going to try but you never do!!" he starts to cry loudly again. "You just say it to make me feel better!!"
I prop myself up onto my elbow and just stare at him. Yeah I have said I'd try before in the past flippantly quite a few times and he's probably right it was said just to shut him up and make him feel better. This time I am not saying it flippantly, I mean it, I really am going to try to change things ... but how do I convince him of that?
There is only one way I can think of, and it's something that I really need to change anyway!!
He's just lying there staring up at me with tears rolling down his face. I wipe the tears off his face gently then lean over him and start kissing him. I see his eyes widen in shock before they eventually close. He's surprised because I have started kissing him. Something I haven't done for years, if ever, I can't actually remember making the first move to kiss him. He always kisses me.
For us sex is always quick and rough. I give and he takes. I get all the pleasure and he gets the pain because of the way I deal it out and I don't usually care because for me it is just a release for my sexual frustration. I really don't know what pleasure if any that he gets out of the sex we have other than his own release which my hand always takes care of, but he can't hate it because he keeps coming to me for more.
I never show him any affection or make any of the moves. He tries to please me, he does it all while I just lie there and take all the pleasure, but he never gets anything back. He does everything except for one thing which I won't let him do. I built a brick wall between us years ago that I've never once taken down. I never let myself get carried away with it ... it has just become a quick set routine when he wants it.
It's not like I don't fancy him because I do and it's not like he repulses me either because he doesn't. It was his cute face and hot body that got me the first time I laid eyes on him as he stood on my doorstep and he can turn me on quite easily, but once he does I just become a robot who has only one interest, my own release.
The only way I'm ever going to convince him that I mean what I say is by making this better - I'm going to have to start doing things to him that I've never let myself do before - ever. Treat him like I care about him and not just like he's a prostitute or a sex toy. Hell that sounds bad, but that's exactly what I've been doing!!
I move my mouth away from his and start kissing his neck as I shuffle myself down a little so I'm sat over him, kissing my way across his chest and stomach until I get to his shorts which I start removing with one hand while my other one starts working slowly on his erection. I see him look up in surprise because I am actually doing something to give him the pleasure for once.
He quickly throws himself back on the bed and shouts 'fudge!' when I do the last thing he probably would have ever expected, my mouth replaces my hand. He goes rigid as he arches his body towards me and his hands are now by my head screwing up the bedclothes in his fists as he moans loudly. While he's done this to me a million times, this is the first time I've ever done this too him and I think very quickly he's finding it hard to keep control of himself. I have to stop and make my way back up to kissing him.
We wind up in our usual place on the floor.
As soon as I move behind him and place my hands on his hips I feel him tense up like he usually does waiting for the onslaught that he thinks is coming and normally would. He automatically goes to lean over the bed so I stop him and pull him towards me so that he's lying against me, I can already tell he's very confused.
I'm not even sure how our sex life got to be like this, or how it has stayed like this. It was never this bad when we first started, it has never been good or anything other than quick sex but it definitely was not this bad. I guess it's probably me and that brick wall I've built up ... I seriously need to knock it down if this is ever going to work.
I start to kiss and bite the back of his neck gently as I let my hands run slowly over his body feeling his hard toned muscles that actually do really turn me on. I can feel he is still a little tense, he's probably wandering why I haven't started with the onslaught yet when my hand is now in its usual place working on his erection again a lot slower and gentler than I normally would be. I laugh in my head when he asks between quiet moans what I'm doing?
"Shhhh relax and don't ask again or you'll get it the normal way!!"
"Turn round." I tell him and I see him frown.
He turns round to face me and sits on his knees staring at me in confusion. I smile at him and pull him towards me, explaining where I want him, he does what I ask him to do but he looks nervous, scared even - is this what I've done to him?
"Show me how you like it." I say to him quietly. How bad is it really when after five years I don't have a clue ... how the hell can I not even know what and how he likes it!! That just shows you how selfish I've been.
I let him take control for a while, which was working me up to the point where I couldn't take it any more, my head switch off from the intense pleasure that I don't usually feel and I started to work with him, he's now fully relaxed and we are both really enjoying actually being together properly for the first time. The noises and moans coming from Mace I've never heard before, they definitely sound a lot better than the ones I'm used to and I think I made a few new ones of my own.
It actually felt almost like it could have been our very first time, like we haven't been together for the last five years and we've never done it before. I found myself actually enjoying it and totally lost my head for the first time ever with Mace. I completely removed that brick wall of mine and we didn't just have sex, it was nothing like the normal quick rough horrible sex that we usually have.
We collapsed onto the carpet and just lay there silently for ages while we tried to control our breathing and our bodies calm down and work their way back to normal. I notice from his face he's been crying but I don't know when or why.
When I sit up and lean back against the nearby chair he crawls into my arms and lies there with his eyes closed. I wipe the tear streaks off his face not really understanding why he would have been crying!
"Where the hell did that come from?" he just lies there smiling as I kiss his head. "Why have you never done it like that before?"
"I said I'd try didn't I!! That is as good a place as any to start and to show you I meant what I said!! We won't ever be doing it the old way again!!"
"So you wasn't just saying it to make me feel better?" he looks surprised "Hell!! Did I just dream that?" I laugh at him.
"No, I meant it - I am going to try!!" I sigh "It looks like we are stuck with each other, so we might as well start enjoying it and trying to make it work! But if I'm trying to change things to make this work then so do you!! because it is not just me who is killing us!!"
"What do you mean?"
"You, and the person you have become - it's not the real you and I don't like the new you. You used to be just a regular fun guy, who wasn't a snob, social climber or bitch, who didn't give a shit about money or what it could buy, and you definitely didn't give a shit about what anyone thought!! You used to slouch around the house being untidy in shorts or ripped jeans listening to loud music, playing video games and eating pizza, hotdogs and cheese toasties till they came out of your ear holes - food fights and pranks, we used to laugh ourselves stupid and we used to talk not argue - I want him back!" he looks at me "The arguments, the tantrums, the bitching, the stupid spending and materialistic shit just to out do your bitches and all the other shit you've been doing lately - its got to stop!! Just be yourself!!" I frown at him "Why have you started to do all this stupid shit anyway?"
"I don't know ... You!" he says quietly "You make me feel like I'm crap ... worthless, useless, unloveable ... " he stares at me quietly for a moment "I'm just trying to make myself better so you'll love me!"
"I'm sorry Mace!! I really didn't mean to make you feel like that!!" I kiss his head again "Mace you've been going totally and completely the wrong way about it!! Just like I have" he looks up at me "All this shit you are doing ... you are turning into a person I don't like and pushing me away not making me love you or even like you!! I liked you the way you used to be and I know it's my fault you changed because I never let my walls down to let you in!!" he just stares at me for a moment "So? The old Mace - can you bring him back?"
He lies there saying nothing for a while.
"Can you actually stop all this crap and bring back the old Mace? Because if you can't this is never going to work!!" I frown at him "I'm doing something here I've never tried to do before I am trying to forget HIM ... and how can I even try to love you when I don't even like you right now!!"
"Okay I can do that, I can bring the old me back ... Fuck the neighbors and the bitches, I'm actually sick of pretending that I like their bullshit and I don't really like them or myself that much anyway!!"
"You prize dick!!" we both start laughing "So you've been doing all this acting up for attention and you are not even enjoying it!!"
"No I hate it - I know it isn't me!!"
"I don't have to tell him anything, it's none of his business and I guess everyone will presume I'm your boyfriend like they always do ... especially as you will tell them along with the performance that you like to put on in public." I laugh at him
"I know but my friends think ..."
"I know exactly what your friends think - they think we are loves young dream and have got the romance of the century going on here because of all the crap you feed them ... is it so shameful to admit we are just mates who shag?" I laugh at the expression on his face.
"But that is going to change now isn't it?" he opens his eyes and frowns at me "You said you are going to try to make us work and you might as well already be my boyfriend!!" he frowns at me "We live and play house together, you go to work and earn the money and I do all the housewife stuff, we share a bed and sleep with each other and we are not shagging anyone else. We do everything together, we even have a joint bank account for berry's sake! We have been playing it for years so I don't get what your problem is!?" he laughs "I know you don't like expensive labels but the boyfriend label isn't going to cost you a penny or hurt you to say it!! Its not like it's even going to change anything - it will just make me feel a little better about us!!"
"Okay - I'll think about it!!" I start laughing "You say that label doesn't cost a penny ... Fudge! ... my imaginary boyfriend has cost me a packet!!" we both start laughing "No doubt my real boyfriend will be wanting rings and all sorts of silly shit!"
"Okay so I did kind of walk into that one!!" he carries on laughing
"So can we start playing this properly!" he says grinning at me.
"You said you would try and this is never going to work if we don't take it in turns and you don't give yourself to me properly!" I laugh at him "You need to be the bitch sometimes and let me shag you!!"
I guessed that's what he was getting at. I am far from ready for that with him. I know it's probably silly because I don't mind playing the bitch and taking - I just don't want to. It's kind of like the ultimate betrayal, I can cope with everything else but not that!! Other than Mace I've not so much as kissed anyone else only HIM. HE is the only one I've ever done that with and I never wanted that to change - but I've got to let this go haven't I!!
Everything I already do with Mace kills me and makes me feel like I'm betraying HIM that is why I think I built my brick wall from letting me take it too far. I seriously meant the vows that I took and never thought I would ever have to break them. I start spinning the wedding ring on my finger nervously.
The wedding ring that Mace doesn't even realize is a wedding ring because it's not a conventional round one, we went for square ones. Mace has never questioned it and thinks it is just a ring and I've never bothered to tell him or anyone else for that matter any different.
I still wear my wedding ring because in my heart and mind we always will be married even though I don't know if we actually are still married or not, but I doubt we are!! After all these years he has probably divorced me by now for abandonment, he could be re married by now for all I know - either way I plan never to get married again.
I guess if I'm going to try and make this work, I really need to come clean and tell Mace about my marriage, but I think I know, he'll hit the roof!!
"So can we?" he asks smiling, distracting my thoughts.
"Not so fast sunshine ... nice try but don't push your luck!! Yeah I said I'd try but it goes at my pace ... that will come in time naturally when and if I'm ready as long as you don't keep nagging me for it!!"
I laugh as his face drops into a semi sulk as he starts to run his hand gently up my leg and gets that look in his eyes.
"And don't even think for one minute we are going again!! It's 4am and I need a few more hours sleep!! We have tonnes to do today remember!! Cases to pack, I've got theatre schedules to rearrange and your friends in the fridge need new lodgings for a start - they need to go and run round in someone else's fridge!!"
He rolls his eyes at me. I hold my breath waiting for it to start. This is normally where he would make me angry, I say no and he carries on pushing - he pushes and pushes until we either end up arguing badly or I give in and I take it out on him painfully. He surprises me by not pushing.
"You and those damn lobsters - I'm surprised you haven't given them names yet!!" he starts laughing at me
"Stinky and Shelly!" I just say off the top of my head which makes him really laugh.
"Well Stinky and Shelly are going in the pot tomorrow so they don't need re-homing." I frown at him "Don't worry I've cancelled dinner - we may as well eat them before you go back to your cheese toasties that you love so much!!"
Mace made me laugh throwing my boxers at me, telling me to put them on. It's not like we've never slept naked together before, he actually prefers to sleep totally naked so I'm a little confused by it.
"Is my body that bad that you want me to cover it up?" I ask laughing even though it is a very big sore point with me. Compared to his, my body is a bag of shit and I really don't know what he sees in it.
"No silly ... the cleaner will be here at 7am, she said something about having to come early because her kid is going on a school trip - you know how she loves walking in here without knocking!!" I'd totally forgotten it is the day for the cleaning lady. "Just because she's up she thinks the rest of the world should be."
"Mace do we really need a cleaner now you are a full time housewife?" I laugh at him
"I suppose not." he mumbles I can already tell he's falling asleep, I doubt he's even had any sleep yet. "I'll tell her today if you want." I laugh in my head because normally he would have kicked up a fuss over me suggesting we don't need a cleaner, we have to have one because his bitches do - maybe its starting to work already.
"Leave her be until after we come home, it's probably a good thing, at least she'll be coming in twice a week while we are away and keeping an eye on the place, that will make me feel a little easier about being away for so long!"
"Okay" he mumbles quietly.
After only a few minutes I can tell he's fallen straight off to sleep already as his breathing changes and gets heavier. I just lie there thinking about what he's said and his very low self esteem. I didn't realise I was actually doing that to him treating him the way I have been ... I am making him feel that way.
It takes me age to fall back to sleep.
After our cases were packed I left Mace to sort out the house stuff while I went to the hospital to sort out my leave and re-arrange my theatre schedules, as well as pay a few bills and tie up a few loose ends.
My mind has been tormented all day, going back to Sugar Valley and especially being round Gravel, my marriage is bound to come up at some point in conversation, I'm actually expecting it to be the first thing that Gravel rubs in my face. So I know I really need to tell Mace about it before we get there to prevent the kick off that I am expecting. The last thing I want is a public slanging match to give Gravel something else to gloat over or to look stupid because I haven't told him.
I am trying not the think about HIM too much because the thought of facing him again really scares me, but I know tonight me and Mace are going to have to have a conversation that HE is going to be the centre of.
When I walk into the kitchen Mace is just stood in front of the cooker blankly staring at the wall, I wander what he's doing as I stand watching him for a moment. Since our talk its been good, he hasn't stopped smiling and we've had a good day but I am probably about to change all that with what I have to tell him.
"Where is your head at?" I ask which makes him jump as he spins round to face me. "I hope you are day dreaming about me!"
"Fudge Gran, I didn't hear you come in!" he starts laughing at me "I'm just trying to think if we've forgotten to do anything ... I've cancelled the papers and milk ... did you pay the grocery bill? Isn't your car insurance due soon."
The timer goes off on the cooker and I watch him take out the contents of the oven, my stomach rolls a little when I see what he's been cooking.
"Yes I've sorted the insurance and payed all the bills ... including your credit card ... " I roll my eyes at him "What the hell have you been buying this month Mace?!" I laugh at him while I am saying it instead of shouting like I normally would to try and avoid a kick off. While I'm trying to avoid subjects that might cause arguments - I can't really ignore the balance on his credit card!! "Please tell me didn't buy that princess bed you wanted ... although now I come to think about it, it might not be such a bad idea - I could tie you to the bed posts to stop you spending" he looks a little wide eyed like he thinks I mean it "Better still just think of the kinky fun I could have with you while I've got you tied up!!" he starts laughing then
"I know I'm sorry - it was the living room, clothes and the lamps mainly!! You can snap my card up if you want ... I won't use it any more!!" I laugh at him as he stands there cringing I think he knows himself he's been going over the top!! "I'll stop you can take my card off me!!" I can't help but smile at him, he would normally have got all defensive and had the roof off the house by now.
"No you can keep it, just cut it down Mace please it's getting really silly!!" he hugs me "Please tell me you haven't really cooked Stinky and Shelly!!" he starts laughing at me. "I'm not sure I can eat them after seeing them walking around the fridge!!"
"You'll have to, I gave all the perishable food to the cleaner so we don't have a lot else in, nothing that you like anyway ... unless you want to phone for a pizza?" he looks at me a little sheepishly, I'm quite amused by him even suggesting that I phone for a pizza after last nights performance. "But it seems silly to waste them don't you think!"
We sit down to eat, at first I just stare down at the lobster on my plate. I've never been a big fan of sea fish but now I like it even less especially that lobster sat on my plate after seeing it moving around in the fridge. I continue to stare down at it as I try to work out how I'm going to tell Mace about my marriage.
"It's not going to move if that's what you're waiting for - it's well faded!!" Mace starts laughing at me "They don't thrash around in the boiling water for long, they just squeal a little but not as loudly as people make out they do!!"
"How can you even joke about it - I might have done a lot of things in my time but murdering innocent creatures is not one of them!! It's bad enough you've had the poor things living in the fridge!! You've faded them ... I don't think I can eat it!!"
"Oh berry!!" Mace is choking on his food "How can you be squeemish over a pair of lobsters when you cut people open and mess about with their insides for a living ... you'll be wanting me to bury them in the back garden in a minute and give them a decent funeral!!" he really howling now.
"It's not funny or a matter of being squeemish, I just don't like the idea that those things were alive early and you've faded them just to fill your stomach!" I tut at him but decide to play him up a little "You should know with my job that I try to save lives not extinguish them for my own pleasure!! and yeah a decent funeral would be nice so stop eating him - it's not right if you don't bury him whole!!"
"Oh berry!! Please don't even start me." he start laughing hysterically "Everything you eat was alive at some point, the ham on that pizza last night was walking around a farm yard not too long ago." he can hardly speak for laughing "PLEASE tell me you are winding me up about the funeral or I think I'm going to piss my pants!!"
I pick up my fork and start laughing while he's sat cracking up next to me. I start eating wandering if I should catch him now while he's in a really good mood as we sit there laughing at each other.
"You joker you nearly had me going there for a minute - oh berry - you told me to stop eating him so seriously!!" he's howling so much he can't eat. I wait for him to calm down a little before I take a deep breath and speak.
"I need to tell you something before we get to Sugar Valley." he glances at me while he's still laughing "Just in case it is mentioned in conversation and it might upset you if you didn't know about it." I don't even look at him as I carry on eating "I've been Married."
I glance nervously at him he looks at me for a second then cracks up completely. He's howling the place down with laughter, he puts down his fork and is holding his stomach. He thinks I'm joking!!
"You married! Now I know you are winding me up!!" he carries on laughing "You can't even commit to being anyone's boyfriend how the hell would anyone get you to a registry office to take wedding vows."
"I am not joking Mace!! I seriously have been married!!" he stops laughing "We got married when we were eighteen just after we graduated ... so I didn't just leave HIM I walked out on our marriage." He just sits there staring at me for a while with a strange look on his face. I am half expecting him to blow a gasket. "Take deep breaths Mace - Please I really don't want an argument over this!!"
"You and HIM MARRIED?!" he looks a little shocked "You got divorced right?! You are not about to tell me you are STILL married!!"
"I don't know!! I presume I'm divorced ... come on I walked away over 20 years ago, he's got to have divorced me by now for abandonment - what sort of idiot would sit there still married to the man who dumped him 20 years ago?" I laugh trying to make light of it.
"The same sort of idiot who walks out on a marriage and is sat here 20 years later not knowing if he's divorced or not!!" he snaps
"Well this is just GREAT!!!" he raises his voice a little and I think he's about to kick off so I remind him to take deep breaths. "I am so not happy about this!!! but I am not going to cause a scene or start that argument you don't want even though I really want to!! he snaps then just sits there staring at me before he laughs sarcastically "I guess this answers my question - the boyfriend label - you being married is your problem and here was me thinking I was your problem!!"
"No that hasn't been my problem!" I look at him "I have always presumed we are divorced - the marriage is officially over as far as I'm concerned!! You are not the problem either - it's me. I'm the problem. You know I've never wanted any of that shit ... I've been there and done it and look where it has got me!! Relationships just bring too many complications and heartache that I don't want!!" he laugh sarcastically
"So what the hell are we - we have been having a relationship for years whether you want to admit it or not - you not putting a label on it doesn't make it any less real!!" he laugh sarcastically "I know you have some kind of feelings for me even though you don't want to admit that either, you wouldn't have kept me here this long with all of our problems if you didn't or be willing to try and make this work ... you proved it this morning, that wasn't just sex ... it has been in there for ages you just haven't wanted to let it out because you are a stubborn berry hole still clinging onto HIM even though you know he's long gone!!" he laughs for a moment "What other secrets are you hiding from me?"
"Nothing - that is it, just that I used to be married."
"Used to be ... don't you mean could STILL be married! Which takes me straight back to square one again - now I'm scared again!!" he starts to look upset
"Well don't be!! It's been 20 years - its over - gone - you are here and HE isn't. What do you think is going to happen here - I'm going to go home and walk right back into my old life - it's not happening is it - be real Mace!! Even I'm not stupid enough to think I could get any of what we had back after all this time - it's too late Mace!! You can't tell me he hasn't divorced me and moved on by now - just like I have with you." Did I really just say that "Just like I have with you!" he frowns at me for repeating myself even though I didn't really mean to say it out loud.
"Just like you have with me what?" he frowns at me
"Moving on - I guess you are right, its been there for ages and I've not even notice it happening and not labeling it doesn't mean its not happening!" he frowns and asks me what I'm trying to say "If you want your boyfriend label I suppose you can have it."
"Oh no!! Not like this I don't - you pick your time to throw it at me, if that's just to keep me sweet because I'm pissed because now I find out you are probably a married man - you can stick it - keep your label till you actually want and mean it!!"
After helping Mace tidy up the kitchen, something else I don't normally do, we moved into the living room. I notice he's very quiet, since he threw the boyfriend label back at me he's hardly said a word. We settle down to watch a movie. Normally we would just sit there together like a pair of bookends, or most of the time on different couches so we can lie down and watch TV, him on his couch and me on mine.
Mace is half slouches on his couch still not saying much. I guess I might need to do some creeping to keep him in a good mood so I join him on his couch and lie on him which surprised then amuses him. He just smiles at me and we start to watch the movie quietly. A movie that I am finding pretty boring because I can't concentrate on it properly my mind keeps wandering - I'm still pretty shocked that he didn't kick off over my marriage even though I think it is really playing on his mind!
"When I get to Sugar Valley - I'll find out about my marriage. If I am still married, which I highly doubt, then I'll get it annulled, file for divorce or whatever you do."
"Okay." he says without taking his eyes off the TV screen. I really can't get into the movie that he's engrossed in and my eyes start wandering around the room. I really don't like how he's redecorated.
"Mace when we get back from Sugar Valley we really need to redecorate this room TOGETHER" I say together because I don't usually get a say in it. Most of the time I don't even know it's happening until I usually return from work to find it done or a work in progress.
"Excuse me ... you who moaned about me wasting money, this room was done less than a month ago!!" he laughs at me
"Yeah well I don't like it, everything is too poncy!!" he slaps my arm "Since WHEN did you suddenly like candles, flowers, plants and pretty pictures - they are everywhere I look!!" I laugh at him "We are men not girls ... well you might be a girl but I'm not!! I bet you've got handbags and high heeled shoes stashed at the back of the wardrobe haven't you!!"
"Shut up, I know exactly what you are trying to do!! Why do you always have to be so aggravating when we are watching TV especially when it's something I want to watch?"
Mace is now engrossed in the movie and he keeps laughing, but my mind keeps wandering back to this morning and the sex we had on the bedroom floor. It's the first time I've actually really enjoyed it for years. It is making me horny just thinking about it.
"This movie is boring me!" I turn my head to look up at him "I'd much rather be doing something else a little more enjoyable and strenuous"
"I think it's funny!" he says without taking his eyes off the TV screen.
"So boyfriend how do you fancy an early night instead?" I run my hand slowly up and down his leg that he now has wrapped round me.
"It's only nine o'clock!!" he laughs "I'm not tired yet. Let me watch this movie first, you are so aggravating, you always do this when it's something you don't want to watch!" he tuts "And drop the label - come back when you mean it!!"
"Oh I'll aggravate and tire you out alright!!"
I laugh at him as he carries on watching the movie. He still doesn't get the hint, but then he wouldn't because it is something that I'd never normally say or do. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't think this morning was a one off. I roll off the couch and he carries on sitting there not taking his eyes off the screen or paying any attention to me.
I remove his shorts with one sharp tug half pulling him off the couch in the process and just sit on my knees laughing at the shock on his face as I start to remove his boxers then my own clothes and pull him off the couch onto the floor.
He soon forgets all about the movie as we start rolling around on the floor together making improvements on this mornings performance.
I lie on the carpet trying to catch my breath wandering what the hell I've been playing at for the past five years hiding behind my brick wall. I've been cutting my nose off to spite my face, this is so much better than what we have been doing before.
"Are you on something? You are not back on drugs are you?" he starts laughing at me once he's caught his breath "Twice in one day and both times you've started it and that was pretty hot ... I feel far from raped." I wish he wouldn't keep reminding me of how awful I can be!!
"Yeah well, we haven't had a single argument or bitching session today not even over my marriage and you've been a lot more like your old self today - so I thought we should celebrate!!" I smile at him "Besides I had to distract you away from that movie somehow!!"
"Do you think we can really make this work?" he smiles at me
"I don't see why not as long as you pack Mr bitchy social climbing snob away and I pack HIM away and stop being a berry hole especially in the bedroom and we TALK instead of arguing!!"
He starts kissing me, he's grinding himself against me and his hands are wandering all over the place - he's starting to cause problems again already. I carry on kissing him for a while till I can't stand it any longer
"Hell!! Did you put Viagra or something into my lobster?" he starts laughing at me as I place his hand on my erection.
"No, you'll find it is the lobster ... aren't they supposed to be an aphrodisiac?" he starts really laughing at me "Although they have never worked on you before!!"
"Well you can thank your fridge friends, they have given me another problem which we need to sort out!!" I smirk at him as I roll on top of him and start kissing him.
After another round of total pleasure on the living room floor we crawl into bed totally shattered.
"I love you!" he says quietly
"I know and I'm trying to love you too."
Song = Just Be ... Paloma Faith