Falling to Pieces ...
Lying in the woods where I've spent most of the day drinking vodka, crying and going off my head trying to make sense of all this madness and not doing a very good job of it!! It makes even less sense to me now than it did this morning.
My Dad and my so called girlfriend have torn my heart out and trampled all over it ... if it had been any other bloke in the world I could probably have taken it eventually and moved on ... but my Dad ... my Dad and Coral ... it's just madness!! I shudder just thinking about it!!
The only two people in my world that I love and who I thought loved me, but it turns out they love each other more ... they have torn my life to shreds and left me with absolutely nothing. Does he realize he's just as responsible for breaking my heart as Coral is and there in never any going back from this. We are done - finish - I can never forgive him for this!!
Well I hope they both rot in hell together because they deserve each other!!
My mind flashed back to this morning. How could I have not known what they have been up to for the past six weeks ... SIX WEEKS ... am I really that stupid?! I doubt I'd be none the wiser today if it hadn't have been for my damn shoe!!
I had just been about to walk out of the front door. I had actually opened the door when I stood on something that stuck into my shoe and painfully into my foot. I had closed the door and sat down on the carpet taking off my shoe. It was a carpet tack. I've been complaining about the front door dragging the carpet loose when we open it for months. Obviously one of the carpet tacks have worked loose and I just had to go and tread on it!!
After inspecting the bottom of my foot which was bleeding slightly, I had been sat there trying to pull the stubborn tack out of my shoe, when I heard the chair legs noisily scrape across the tiled kitchen floor. Dad getting up out of his chair.
I was a little surprised when I heard him say to Coral "You need to quit winding me up through breakfast." I didn't quite understand what he meant by that - what has she been doing because I haven't noticed anything - me like an idiot was thinking they might have had a falling out that they haven't told me about. I heard Coral giggle then he said "I'm being serious Coral, if Slate wasn't so blind he would have caught us way before now!!" - What the hell? Caught them doing what exactly? I had actually stayed sat on the carpet listening to the strange noises that I then heard coming from the kitchen but still the penny didn't drop!!
When I jumped up to my feet and walked into the kitchen - I stopped dead in the doorway not quite believe what I was seeing!! THEN the penny dropped!! This situation had not once crossed my mind as even being possible!!
I stood there watching in shock. They were all over each other and so engrossed with their making out that they are completely oblivious of my presence. Hell!! I was seriously not sure I could take it in!! Berry please don't let this be real!!
I stand watching in disbelief as they are undressing each other, I felt the blood draining from my face as I watched their clothes flying onto the kitchen floor. The way they were kissing each other turned my stomach ... they definitely looked like they have done this before, there was nothing awkward about what they are doing, far from it. I can remember thinking - she doesn't kiss me like that!!! How many times have they actually done this before?
I didn't like the way he was mauling her either ... his hands were everywhere and so were hers, she's sat on the kitchen counter with her legs wrapped round him ... I was struggling not to throw up all over floor!! I'm not sure who was hurting me the most doing this, him or her, my Dad with MY girlfriend - MY girlfriend not his ... I wanted to KILL HIM!!
They still didn't know I was standing there watching them as he swings her up into his arms, they are still attached at the lips, their tongues down the back of each other's throats it's disgusting!! He starts heading towards the doorway that I am stood in. I know exactly where this is heading!!
I couldn't help but say something then.
As they stood there in front of me I felt physically sick from the shock, my mind still not able to process it all properly. I just wanted to know how long THIS has been going on? How long have they been making a fool out of me? I bet they have been having a right laugh behind my back as well as everything else that they have been doing. I seriously can't believe that my own Dad would even do this to me!!
While Dad was standing there uncomfortably and actually looking guilty - I see Coral take a hold of Dads hand and the way she stood there almost adamantly looking straight through me, like she was trying to make the point that she's made her choice and it wasn't me! She didn't have to tell me she didn't give a shit because I could see it in her face. This was no one off for them ... It is over ... this is the end for us.
That was when I felt the pain - like a dagger straight through the heart - Why didn't I see this coming? Where the hell did this even come from? What did I do - did I do something wrong? How did this even start? My Dad and Coral - this can't be real!!
What felt like a hundred different emotions rushed through me all at once and I lost it!!
I'm not sure I am ever going to get the vision of them together out of my head!!
Why didn't I see any signs? How did I not notice this going on? SIX WEEKS. It doesn't make any sense ... its not like we have be arguing because we haven't, I thought we were okay, everything has been NORMAL with me and Coral even our sex life ... fudge, does that mean she has been sleeping with the BOTH of us for the past six weeks?! Hell!! Just the thought of going where my Dad has been, it makes me throw up all over the grass.
My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, Mango, Lilly, Dad, Mosaic, Mulberry, Affair, Parsley, Sunny, Carmine and quite a few numbers I don't know. I haven't spoken to any of them. I only made the one phone call to Mango this morning when I walked out of the front door because I was in utter shock, now I regret even making that phone call. Its obvious why they are all phoning me and I don't want to hear what any of them might have to say about it. I don't doubt that everyone knows by now, the gossip flies round that extended family quicker than concord!! Most of them are probably having a good laugh at my expense right now!! I can just imagine it!! The idiot who's girlfriend has been having it away with his old man right under his nose for the past six weeks and he's too stupid to even notice!! I've just sat and watched the missed calls and text messages stack up that I haven't answered or read. I've sat waiting for the one that never came ... there has not been a single call or text from Coral!! I turned off my phone eventually sick of hearing it constantly ringing.
I have to get up and move off I can't stay here any longer thinking about it because I'm starting to drive myself crazy. I need more alcohol to blot it all out completely ... if I'm totally wasted I won't have to think about them and what they have done!
After a trip to the grocery store, I stagger into the cemetery, a new bottle of vodka in my clammy hand ... I feel fairly intoxicated from the bottle I've spent all day drinking, but it's not enough, I'm hoping this one will finish the job ... that it will black me out into oblivion for a few hours at least!
I guess I've rendered myself homeless because there is no way I'm EVER going back to that house - I don't want to see either of their faces or listen to any of their pathetic excuses, there is nothing that they can say or do now to change this. It's done and it can never be erased!! If I never see either of them again it will be too soon!! At least if I'm wasted I won't care about having nowhere to go, I won't care that I'll probably be sleeping in the cemetery tonight!
I stumble over a bolder on the path and nearly fall flat on my face, somehow I manage to stay on my feet and keep hold of the bottle of vodka. I continue to stagger up towards Storms grave. Berry knows why I'm thinking about Storm right now and feel the urge to visit him ... probably because he's in the right place right now, away from it all!!
I really need someone to talk to who'd be on my side and I know he would be even if the bitch is his cousin. No doubt they'll all side with the drama queen!! I'm not their family why would they even care about what she has done to me?! Storm was always a good listener and I still really miss him ... besides I really don't know where else I can go!!
As I stumble around like a fool in the darkness, I am imagining what Storm would tell me to do right now ... smash my old man all around town ... that's what he'd be telling me to do, he would probably have helped me to do it too!!
I start laughing quite loudly to myself, imagining that Dad would probably arrest and lock me up for assaulting him. He obviously doesn't give a shit about me or he wouldn't have been banging my girlfriend behind my back!!
"Shut up man!! There are faded people trying to sleep in here!!" a voice comes out of the darkness ... a voice that I think I recognize. As I stumble closer to Storm's grave I notice a body in the darkness lying on the ground stretched out actually on Storm's grave, his back resting up against Storm's head stone. This makes me mad for a moment.
"You need to get off there man ... you're lying on top of my mate, have you no respect!!" I snap at the person who I still can't see clearly. He starts laughing!!
"Slate, Storm didn't mind me lying on top of him when he was alive, so I doubt he would mind now!!" I realize who it is now listening to him laughing. I've always found his laugh infection and I can't help but laugh with him. His laughter trails away suddenly until he almost sounds like he's moaning in pain ... the kind of pain that I'm feeling right now.
"Bayleaf what are you doing out here?" I say as I throw myself onto the ground next to him. He doesn't answer my question he just gives me a miserable glance before he looks away again. "So the rumours are true then ... you and Storm!! I never put either of you two down as batting for the other team!!"
"Yeah ... it's true!!" I notice he's crying as I watch a tear roll down his face and his bright green eyes are glistening in the darkness. I unscrew the top off the bottle and take a mouthful then offer him the bottle which he takes off me. "So what's up Slate, it's not like you to get wrecked and wander around in the middle of the night."
"Have you not heard what my so called girlfriend has been doing?" he shakes his head as he wipes the tears off his face looking a little embarrassed. He frowns at me as he hands me the bottle back. "I thought you'd know seeing as your Mom and her Mom are best mates!! It's got to be all round the family by now!!"
"I haven't seen Mom today, I've got my own place ... so what has our little drama queen been up to ... more tantrums over the wedding?"
I take a swig from the bottle and pass it back to Bayleaf, laughing in my head at him calling Coral a drama queen ... because she is, but I doubt she can ever top this performance!!
"The wedding is not happening EVER ... She's been screwing my Dad behind my back!!" he is in the middle of taking a swig from the bottle as I tell him. He spits vodka everywhere, choking on it as he nearly drops the bottle. "I actually caught them at it in the kitchen this morning!!"
"You're shitting me!!" he says still choking "Your old man!!?? Bitch!!! That is rough!!!" he sits studying my face for a while, I guess he doesn't feel so stupid over me catching him crying now as he watches the tears rolling down my face. "You know mate I've never really thought you and Coral were very well suited, Parsley and Strawberry too ... that's another car crash waiting to happen!!"
Him mentioning Strawberry ironically, tickled me for a moment, the picture of Dad and Straw on the living room floor flashed into my head. Fudge what is his problem all of a sudden?! Bayleaf frowns at me as I start laughing
"You know I think you might be right there ... Strawberry - somewhere else my Dad has been lately!! I haven't been able to look Parsley in the face since knowing what I know!!" he starts choking again "I walked in on them too while they were at it!! ... I'm beginning to think my Dad has a problem!!"
"Your Dad and Straw?! Shit!! Now Coral ... does he not like women his own age??!!" he's sat there in shock "You didn't tell Parsley I take it?"
"I wanted to, for some reason Coral wouldn't let me. Straw swore it was a stupid drunken one off and it wouldn't be happening again! So did he." I laugh sarcastically "Coral said she would keep a close eye on him while I'm at work ... the bitch ... she's been doing more than keeping an eye on him ... she's been riding the berry hole!!"
"I'm sorry mate!! It's always the nice ones who get dumped on!!" he mumbles as he takes another swig out of the bottle and passes it back to me. "I guess with it being your Dad, there is no going back?" he looks at me sympathetically
"Hell No!!! They can both rot in hell for all I care ... they have both blown it with me, especially my Dad ... he's not the person I thought he was!! Did I tell you it's been going on for six weeks ... how the hell I didn't notice, I don't know!!" I see his eyes widen, yeah now I bet he thinks I'm a right idiot!!
We sat drinking and just sat staring at each other in silence passing the bottle between us until the bottle is empty. I don't get it, I've drunk enough today to sink a battleship, so why do I only feel mildly drunk? I hoped I'd be wasted by now, but I'm far from it. The silence continues for ages, I doubt Bayleaf knows what to say and I really don't want to think about it let alone talk about it anymore ... and I think he understood that.
We both lay down on the grass covering Storms grave and just stare up at the stars.
"So how come you and Storm kept your relationships a secret?" I ask him curiously.
I was pretty shocked when I heard the rumours, I definitely would never have put Storm down as being gay. Bayleaf neither really. I didn't believe the rumours at first but Parsley did, he said he'd been suspicious of it for years and if anyone would know it would be his twin brother! I think that's when I started to believe they could be true. Storm has never had a girlfriend or shown any interest in any girl other than Honey, but Parsley thinks he chose Honey as a smoke screen because he knew she blindly never looked past Tapestry so it was safe for him to pretend to fancy her because he knew she would never go for him.
"We were both scared about how both of our Dads were going to react ... you know what they are like, especially Prelude!! They both think they are Johnny ten men, having a gay son would crush their ego's" he laughs and turns his head and stares at me for a moment like he's trying to see what kind of expression I have on my face. "And we were right ... my Dad has kicked off big time, finding out I'm gay, he practically kicked me out!!" I ask him about Prelude "He won't have it, he thinks I'm talking shit, he says he can't believe it and Storm isn't here to speak for himself, so he's not having it!! Like I'd make something like that up!!" I smile at him.
We lie there for what felt like hours chatting about this and that, Tapestry's abduction, Manderine the person who has only ever been a name to us until Storms funeral where most of us actually saw her for the very first time, Honey's pregnancy and how strange she has become shutting herself away in Tapestrys room refusing to see anyone, Storm and other stuff going on in 'the family'.
I've always been jealous of the Orchids, Shines and Forrest families, how close they all are. They are like one big extended family that always stick together and look out for each other no matter what. All the children from the three families growing up together almost like they are all brothers and sisters together. While I've sat looking in, being friends with most of them, from a solitary world of just me and my Dad, having no Mother or any other living relative. We've never had anyone to lean on like those three families do ... I've grown up in a very lonely world.
Slowly I was being sucked into their world, dating Coral I became one of them, I gained a family, I started to have other people besides my Dad who actually care about me and I care about them like the family that I always wanted and lacked ... now all that's gone ... my Dad and Coral have torn all that away from me ... now I'm back on the outside looking in ... all I have now is me!! I don't even have my Dad anymore. They've taken everything away from me ... I wander if they even realize exactly what they have done to me?!
I would have brought two bottles if I'd known I was going to have company, I really wanted to shut my head off from thinking about Coral completely, but I can't!! How could she do this to me? I thought she loved me!! We were supposed to be getting married! Hell, I should have suspected something when she suddenly changed her mind and postponed the wedding about a month back, after all the fuss she has been causing over it. She suddenly changed her mind and said she would wait until Tapestry returned home like everyone else is. What the hell was all Corals fuss about if she's been screwing my Dad ... why were we even planning a wedding?!
"So where are you staying tonight if you are not going home?" Bayleaf frowns at me when I tell him I can't go back to that house ever after what they've done.
"Here I guess ..."
"You can't do that ..." he turns his head to stare at me and seems to hesitate for a moment like he is having to think "I have a couch you can kip on untill you sort yourself out if you need a place to crash!!
I don't want a be a burden, you wouldn't want my miserable ass cramping your space. I'll check into the motel till I get my own place." I tell him as I stare back at him and can't help but notice how bright and nice his eyes are. He hesitated, I think he's only offering me his couch because he feels like he has to.
"Nonsense, why waste your money when I could actually use the company, living alone is taking a bit of getting used to for me!!" he says to me which surprises me. "You will be doing me a favour!"
Even though I've always been friends with Bayleaf, we actually used to be really close when we were younger. He was my best mate for ages, but suddenly, basically since I've been dating he backed right off. He distanced himself to the point where he wouldn't even answer my calls. I thought he had fallen out with me for some reason that I wasn't aware of.
"I swear I'll keep my hands to myself ... I know most of the guys are nervous of me now they know I'm gay" he laughs at me as he holds his hands up, so I laugh with him ... it hadn't even crossed my mind until he mentioned it.
I hadn't thought about why Bayleaf is out here in the middle of the night, miserably moping around on Storms grave, because I've been too busy thinking about my own problems. I guess he must have problems of his own ... I remember him saying Alpine has kicked him out, he says he's lonely and he obviously can't be over Storm.
"Has your family turned against you for being gay? You said your Dad kicked you out." I ask him. Knowing the three families it surprises me that any of them would do that ... they stand by Prelude even with all the trouble his drinking and that green wife of his has brought to all of them over the years.
"No, they took it surprisingly well, my sisters don't care, Cinnamon thinks it hilarious and I think my Mom already suspected it on the quiet!!" he starts laughing "Dad went tits up to start with, but we are still talking, it's not like we've fallen out or anything ... he told me if I want to be gay then I'm not doing it under his roof ... you know he's got brain damage, he can't handle stressful stuff, me being gay stresses him out, so we thought it best I move out." he looks sad for a moment like he's getting upset, he obviously must be missing not living with his family.
I close my eyes for a moment and the images of them together in the kitchen flashes into my head ... I can't get rid of it, it's playing over and over and it won't stop. An awful pain washes over me, it hurts so much I can hardly breath. Why have they done this to me? It's hard enough trying to cope with what Coral has done, but it's not just Coral is it, it's my Dad too ... I feel totally lost and alone ... they've taken EVERYTHING away from me with their sordid little affair!! What am I going to do without both of them?!
I sat up quickly trying to escape the images of them tormenting my head. I just want time to rewind back to yesterday when I had a normal happy life, before I found out what has been going on. I would quite happily of faded last night to stop today ever coming ... to stop me having to know and face the rest of my now miserable existence alone with this pain!
I can't control it, I have to let it all out before my head explodes. I start to crack up, sobbing uncontrollably, I just can't take the pressure of the pain in my chest and head anymore. It hurts so much and just want it all to stop!
I'd almost forgotten that Bayleaf is here for a moment, too wrapped up in my own self pity, until his arms go round me. He moves closer and holds me tightly while I just lose it completely. He doesn't say anything all the time that I'm crying he just lets me get on with it. At one point I even thought I could hear and feel him crying with me. He continues to hold me until I'm finally all cried out and have gone quiet, lying in his arms feeling exhausted and numb.
"You know Slate it's not going to feel like this forever, it will get better!! I know it might feel like the end of the world for you right now ... but it isn't! Far from it! Trust me I've been there ... it will get easier until you hardly notice it."
This makes me wander for a moment if he still isn't there in that painful place and he's just saying it trying to make me feel better. Why is he sat here still crying on Storms grave when it's been over five months now, he doesn't seem to be getting over it easily.
"So why are you still here crying on Storms grave?" I hear him laugh quietly "It's been over five months and you are obviously still feeling it - it doesn't look like its getting easier for you!"
"I'm over emotional, I cry over the silliest of thing - you cry and I cry that's just how I am. I wasn't actually here crying over Storm and my situation is completely different to yours!" he says quietly. I open my eyes and look up at him.
"Tell me!!" he shakes his head "TELL ME!!" he rolls his eyes
"Storm knew that I've been in love with someone that I couldn't have for years, just exactly like he was. The biggest drawback of being gay the ones you fall in love with are usually straight!!" he laughs quietly for a moment "We both loved someone else, his man is straight too - but we made the best of a bad situation and we were good together until he faded ... I do still really miss him!"
I glance up at him and I can see he has tears in his eyes again. I realize I'm still lying in his arms and he's still holding me but I don't move because I'm comfortable and it's selfishly what I really need right now so that I don't feel so alone.
"I've been feeling it for years and it hurt like hell to start with but like I said in time you hardly notice it, you learn to live with it, you move on and it gets easier. When I was with Storm I could go days without even thinking about it ... I was starting to on." I ask him who he is in love with and he starts laughing and shaking his head quite violently. "Does it really matter who he is, he is not gay so it's not like it is ever going to happen for me, so it's not even worth talking about it!!"
"What about if Coral was it for me?"
"Don't be stupid - trust me Coral was never right for you, you are both too self absorbed for a start, you both need a lot of attention and I doubt very much you gave it each other!! I'm actually surprised your relationship lasted this long." I laugh because that is what Dad always says I am self absorbed "There is someone better out there for you who will make you a lot happier than Coral ever did, and once you've found her, you'll wander where your head was at with Coral ... your first love is always the hardest one to let go."
"Have you let yours go?"
"No ... but it hardly hurt any more!"
"Well I hope you're right because I can't stand all this pain!!" he just smiles at me "But it's not just Coral I've got to deal with is it, it's what my Dad has done too!!"
"Yeah you have been thrown quite a double whammy ... your Dad is a whole different ball game and I'm afraid only you can sort that one out with him and yourself!! I can't even imagine how you must be feeling or what I'd do if I was in your shoes!"
Bayleaf removes his arms from around me and gets up slowly, grabbing my arm and pulling me up onto my feet. He says he's got a few bottles at home and he thinks we both need to go back and get wasted!!
Anything to shut Coral and my Dad out of my head for a few hours ... I'm up for that!!
Song ~ Break Even (Falling to Pieces) ~ The Script